Test Drive Unlimited

a second wind review

FBT lives the driving-sim dream

I avoid dedicated Driving games – I’m a strictly Carmageddon, Driver, Saints Row and GTA driver; games where I can go off road and over pedestrians. I can’t stand track-games, winning by going round in circles. I want my car to be a weapon. And I really can’t stand the idea of Driving Sims; why would I digitally behave? TDU seemed like GTA without the GT. But I’ve come to accept I’ll never own a Bugatti Veyron, so the closest I’ll get is a game like TDU, putting me behind a wheel I’ll never afford.

Doesn’t even look like I’ll get to drive a digital Veyron. TDU is, or was, bolted to Gamespy and once that went, so did the servers and ability to connect. Although TDU can play offline, it was very insistent about being logged into Gamespy – encouraging me with the warning “you won’t be able to finish the game completely”. Well that sucks. Luckily, I can skip by assuring TDU I’ll never be good enough to reach the end anyway.

We open with a nice little scene-setter – picking my character from a passport line, I’m flown to Hawaii to rent a low-end car then purchase a house. No reason, no backstory, no further plotting. We literally have $ to spend and time to fill. With what I have left I pick my first car (should not have bought the most expensive house) – a dinky Golf R32. If I squint it kinda looks like a Veyron.

Although the map is open, I can only trigger missions/races by discovering them. It’s kinda like a car-based Skyrim. I put my foot down and … nothing. Turns out I have to turn the key with a separate button, something that will constantly infuriate me as I get into it. The first icon I discover is a Ben Sherman shop – at first I assumed product placement but I can actually visit and buy clothes. I’m not racing for Ben Sherman shirts. I consider rage quitting but you can’t really rage quit in a Golf, and once I zoom into the map I realise there is a lot to do here; challenges, races, missions, plus dozens of very posh looking houses and what seems like hundreds of cars. Everything way out of my price range. I have a purpose. This really is feeling like an RPG but instead of bringing peace or justice to the land I’m buying it up like some tax-dodging absent landlord who gets his Veyron towed and just buys another one. There’s also clubhouses where you can hang with other drivers, buy and sell cars, and the island itself acts much like an online world with other drivers logging in. Except not anymore. It’s just me and the AI.

The main issue with TDU is your fellow drivers. They’re not dangerous but they are stupid. They will indicate, which is helpful, but often make last minute lane changes, break suddenly or just pull over. It’s fraught. Although your cars can’t be damaged, the worry is a bump slows you down and every millisecond counts; winning means $ and when granny decides to change lanes it’s the difference between affording a Cadillac and a Veyron. I can’t be sure if they’re reacting to me, other drivers or just doing random stuff, but it can be frustrating. The game also cheats to keep up with you so once you have a speedy little number you’ll suddenly spot some titchy little car scream across the intersection to catch up, making it hard to anticipate. But you can anticipate the cops blaming you for it.

Although the cops don’t seem concerned with speed – I’ve passed them at 400kph before (Not in my Golf, mind) and never gotten a flash but if I clip an AI’s wing mirror they’re on me like it’s GTA5. And they’re tenacious. You’ll hear the call go over the radio then have to avoid them until the heat dies down. The more mayhem you cause (Or the AI Cars cause for you) the worse it gets until they’re throwing up roadblocks and cornering you. It’s not like Driver where it turns into Car Wars, if you keep out of sight long enough they’ll give up, but every time they spot you it’s reset and a lot of the roads don’t have many options. Going off road pauses the meter so the second rubber touches asphalt again they’re on you. And getting pulled over means a hefty fine. It’ll take two or three races to make that back.

Money is as free-flowing as the game is free-roam. Most races will net you from $1,000 up to and beyond $100,000 – soon you’re buying up the most insane houses and filling the garages with cars and bikes and it becomes more than just race, race, race. Well it is purely racing, but if you get your head into an RPG state of mind, TDU is something special. It’s not just a driving sim, it’s a lifestyle sim. I am a Rockstar sauntering out, staring at my motors and deciding which to take for a spin and see where the day takes me. I didn’t expect it but there’s something incredibly cool about swaggering into a dealership, your wallet flush, and buying your first hyper-car. When the cut scene plays of you driving it out, it’s as cool as leveling up or upgrading a weapon – you smirk and can’t wait to take it out for a spin.

The ‘quests’ are usually pretty cool, stuff like “160mph in heavy traffic” or go quick enough to set off speed cameras. You can pick up rich wives (well, ‘Models’), assuming you have a cool enough car and they’ll give you their unused Groupons for clothing stores if you didn’t ruffle their hair. It’s a bit of a low prize, especially considering how rough some of them are. The routes, not the wives. Hitchhikers don’t care what jalopy you’re in but like the Model Wives, too much jostling and they’ll bail. I’ll never get that Ben Sherman shirt at this rate. Courier missions are a bit more GTA-like; while the package doesn’t care about being lobbed about, you will care about the cops on your tail and the tight time limit. There’s also missions where you rock up to some rich dude’s house and drive his car to his other house. Those are high-earners, but they come at a high cost; if you chip his car your earnings will take a beating. So go easy, obey the Highway Code and all is well, right? Wrong, because there’s a car out there all TDU drivers fear … The Ghost Car.

Endless amounts of time I smack into a car that isn’t there. It triggers police interest, costs me valuable credits, ruins my speed laps, has cost me 1st. It’s costing me a Veyron. You’ll have no inkling, just a sudden cloud of smoke, sparks and police sirens. They don’t even appear afterwards, a victim of slow-ass Draw Distance. They’re just not rendered, only the collision. You’re concentrating on passing one car only to hit one you didn’t even know was there – they’re like Velociraptors. I had a perfectly good Sunday afternoon bike ride ruined by a ghost car. Wound up costing me nearly $100,000 in fines by the time the police had caught me – and how did they catch me? I ran into another invisible car.

‘Side-quests’ aside, the races and high-performance challenges are where the big money is, and in order to do them you step up in classes; designated by the cars you buy. The higher the class, the classier the car required. While the physics and handling are very 2006, the cars do all differ, and it’s also about getting to know the island. Like an RPG, know what you’re driving into, start getting tactical with your car choices. Then you’ll start earning. It’s so much fun getting enough money to rev out of the showroom with something as beautiful as a … well, they’re all beautiful.

The Ferrari Enzo, Pagani Zonda, Koenigsegg, the Vanquish; they’re eye-watering. The Maserati MC12 might look like art incarnate, but it handles like it’s on ice. Still, look at it. But for me, it was the Saleen S7 Twin-Turbo. That thing GOES. I passed 430kph before losing it. It was exhilarating being in the driving seat. You can change views, from behind to driver’s seat to basically sitting on the bonnet and they all provide a different experience. But if you want to just to pootle around town, I recommend the McLaren F1 GTR, a snip at $1.5 mil. Sounds like the devil’s having a coughing fit when you floor it. It’s no Veyron, but damn.

But it’s not all hyper-cars – I’m not compensating for something. There’s classics in here. Maserati 3500 GT, Lambo Miura, E-Type Jag and the Aston Zagato. When you get in one of those you feel like 60’s-era Michael Caine, James Bond, The Saint (hang on, he drove a Volvo) – you get a real sense of accomplishment, excitement – when you drive those cars into your eight-garage house with an infinity pool, you’ve arrived. You earnt this. Stroke the dash, rev the engine, peal out of the driveway, and smash into a Ghost Car.

Muscle cars are taken care of too; Camaro, Mustang, Firebird, the Ford GT and the Shelby GT. Plus there’s concept cars, AC, TVR, some oddities and the low-end starter cars which shouldn’t be ignored. Who am I kidding, they’re totally ignored but you’ll buy them anyway because you’re so freaking rich.

Once you’re in the top-class cars, the games really step up. It’s cool to come across a race for just Ferrari’s, like an exclusive little club. Best thing though, it goes by make not model, so get yourself the best of the bunch, then pile it over to a garage and get it pimped. My fave was finding a race for Alpha Romeros and rocking up in my Competizione, unlocked only by completing the Tour of the Island challenge. It’s a zippy little filly but luxurious too. I feel like I should be wearing driving gloves and a flat-cap playing this game.

There’s bikes too, which for the most part just show how basic the physics are. Ranging from Triumphs to Ducatis, riding them does call to mind GTA VC-style cornering and steering. As in, they don’t do either. But I bought them all anyway because I look fabulous in leathers.

Some of the cars have hidden qualities, especially if you upgrade them; a middling c-class is suddenly a dark horse that can trouble a Ferrari, but it’s here that the game struggles. Each house you buy has a number of garages, and while you can tour the garage of the home you’re in, you only get a text list of the others, which doesn’t compare cars at a glance. As such, that XJ220 that can ruin anything else in the B-class is constantly missed because you’re flicking back and forth trying to remember what it’s called or track all their stats – that’s one hell of a first world problem to have, too many houses and cars but it’s an annoyance when you know there’s the perfect car and you can’t find it.

Unlike it’s cars, TDU hasn’t aged that well, the ghost cars are a major frustration as is the bloody start button and the menu sucks, plus there’s the coupons – since you only see yourself lounging or getting into or out of cars it seems a bit redundant; I get that I have to look the part but do I need to scroll through 24 Ben Sherman shirts? To be honest, there’s nothing in TDU that we haven’t played in other racer games, and many have done it better. Without Ghost Cars. And now Gamespy is no more, TDU is unsupported; some cars are missing due to online activation and there’s no DLC to download anymore – But, by the near-end of it all I had amassed the kind of car and house collection only billionaires dream of.

Because you’re not battling a leader board or trying to win a season, losing doesn’t matter so much. Just go back to one of your ten garages and pick one of two dozen cars and try again. Some of the races and challenges are insanely hard/unfair, but as a sim, a genre I avoid, it’s brilliant. In real-time, I drove my Enzo on a Cannonball Run called the Millionaire’s Cup around Hawaii’s coasts, bringing it 1 minute 10 seconds under the one-hour limit. That meant something; I drove a Ferrari for nearly an hour straight and loved every minute. And netted $1Mill in the process. It’s awesome.

While I tried very hard to turn TDU into GTA, eventually I realised I was missing out on the sheer joy of just driving. I still drove like a loon, but there’s just something classy about TDU, taking the scenic route in a E-Type is pure wish fulfillment. It’s one of those laid-back games that doesn’t put pressure on you yet makes it very hard to leave.

Just one last tour of my garages, maybe a quick drive into the mountains with some Frank playing. Think I’ll take the …

Wait, there is no Bugatti Veyron. I bet that’s the Ghost Car …

2006 | Developer, Eden Games | Publisher, Atari Inc.

Platforms; Win | PS2 | X360

Championship Manager 01/02: Part 8 – End of an Era… or Error?

As TheMorty ended his epic, 3-month play-through of Football’s greatest simulator, he remembered he was supposed to be reviewing the game…

Well, this was it. My Championship Manager journey was finally coming to an end. A game that could, quite literally, go on forever had to stop somewhere and I’d decided to stop it here. I’d tasted domestic silverware success twice, winning the League Cup and the FA Cup and I’d comfortably finished third, securing Champions League qualification in the process. So why not end on a high, eh?

Before I switched off the laptop and said a final goodbye to a childhood friend, there was just one piece of business left to finish. A loose end to tie up. A season ending swansong. While on paper a game away to West Ham was meaningless for the Geordies, it presented itself a unique transactional opportunity. Nothing less than a win for the Hammers on the final day would suffice in their battle for survival and I had the opportunity to relegate them by leaving the Boleyn Ground with just a point. A bit harsh, taking satisfaction in relegating a team – isn’t it? Perhaps, but I feel no ill towards West Ham and wished them only well – this was purely business.

You may remember back in August that I had several bids turned down from West Ham for their midfield starlet Joe Cole. He’d be a fantastic acquisition for any side on the game but I wasn’t prepared to meet their asking price. My final rejected offer was north of £10m – with £15m being the likely figure I’d need to pay to land him. No way would I part with that much cash when for the same price I could have purchased:

5 Frederik Risps,

21½ Kim Kallstroms,

35 Mark Kerrs

or 1,500 To Madeiras.

In CM 01/02, many players have release clauses at the start of the game – it makes it hard to sign them at your first season, but after 12-18 months you can pick up some right bargains. As it happened, Joe Cole was one of these coveted players with a common release clause that made him available for just £3.3m if West Ham were to be relegated from the Premier League. All of a sudden, this game meant something – sorry Hammers fans, but I was going to pull out all of the stops to make sure I landed my missing midfield man!

Squad vs West Ham (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Risp, Said, Crainey, Dyer, Kerr, Bakircioglu, Shearer ©, Kallstrom, Madeira.

Subs: Pinheiro, Solano (on 45), Selakovic, Barsom, Lee (on 27).

With Chiotis finally serving a suspension, I handed a rare start to Shay Given. Shearer and Madeira resumed their red-hot partnership up top and I recalled Robert Lee to the bench for what would be his final appearance in a Newcastle United shirt – I had opted not to renew the 36-year old’s contract. My plans to bring him on for a 10 minute run out at the end swiftly changed when Mike Duff went down with a calf injury and Rob was brought onto the field in the 27th Minute. I decided to be kind and play him in his preferred and natural DM role, while Kieron Dyer moved to right-back to plug the Duff-sized gap.

Fortunately, this came at a manageable time. We were already 1-0 up thanks to a trademark, bullet header from Alan Shearer.

At half time we had a slender advantage. All we needed to do was hold on for 45 minutes…

Unlike some of my earlier match-ups, there was to be no final day roller-coaster ride. What followed was a boring and event-less half, where Newcastle shut up shop and West Ham looked void of energy and idea – almost resigned to their impending fate. The game ended and Newcastle were victorious. I had finished my season (and play through) on a high and I now had my shot at securing a world class central midfielder for next to nothing. Brilliant.

As final whistles blew around the grounds, we had our final standings. Arsenal were Champions with Manchester United Runners-Up.

Newcastle and Liverpool took the remaining champions league places while Leeds and Chelsea would play in the UEFA Cup. There was a respectable and somewhat surprising 7th placed finish for Leicester City, who pipped Ipswich and Middlesbrough to the Intertoto Cup place on goal difference.

At the Bottom of the table, West Ham joined Derby and Southampton on the express train to Division One while Charlton narrowly avoided the drop – despite losing 1-2 to Fulham on the final day.

In reality, the league table from 2002 wasn’t too much different. Same Champions, same top 6 – albeit in a slightly different order. Derby, Everton and Bolton finished in the same positions as they did in my play-through too. It left me asking, is this game really that good, that it can almost perfectly predict the final outcome for every team?

I mean, there’s obviously a lot of additional factors with a game to take into consideration, but most teams finished very close to their real life position. The accuracy of this text based simulator was astounding and certainly a lot better than all other sports sims I’d played to date. I decided to prove my point and put CM to the test by starting a career on FIFA 18. It has all the bells and whistles you’d expect of an HD next gen game, but when I simulated a whole season the results were almost random. In my game Spurs won the league, Manchester City finished 8th and Sunderland were promoted back to the Premier League at the first time of asking – a far cry from real events.

The guys at Sports Interactive were clearly not just football fans, more football experts and that knowledge shone through in every element of their meticulously planned and perfectly executed game.

The scouting network was incredible and even back then, when it was a lot smaller than the 1,300 scouts SI employ in 51 countries around the globe, it was scarily accurate enough to get so much varied player, team and boardroom information pretty much bang on. The in-game scouting, combined with my Biff Tannen Sports Almanac, meant I’d fared quite well during the play-through. I’d managed 37 victories at a win rate of 68.5%. The third best in the division behind Arsene Wenger and Sir Alex Ferguson. Not too shabby…

I’d bought 18 players – the 7th most transfers in the world that season and my reputation had increased from “Unproven” to “Fair”. I was a long way to “World Class”, but at least I was now ranked as the 111th best manager in world football. For those curious, Then Bayern manager Ottmar Hitzfeld was nummer eins.

So. Was the game as good as I had so nostalgically remembered? Yes. I’d loved it. Simple yet shrewd, plain yet pure and set in a time un-corrupted by the Broadcast TV money that enables modern football to be the ruthless business it is today. I’d adored not having to deal with complicated transfer systems and contract negotiations that had infuriated me during my playthrough of FM 2018.

Don’t get me wrong, Football manager is a fantastic game. It’s smart, accurate and is as close to the real thing as you could ever get without putting on your suit and sitting in the dugout. However, it lacked that immersive element that CM 01/02 just oozed and while I happily swapped my £40 game for a free one, I can’t say that CM didn’t have moments where I’d longed for a press conference to deliver a spiteful, hate filled jab at my opponent who’d just beaten me. I’d missed being able to unsettle a player by verbally singing their praises and I’d missed sitting back and watching the replays of key goals it big matches.

While that is certainly a major selling point for the latest games, it wasn’t enough to sway me back to the shiny lights of football simulations answer to the Las Vegas Strip. The mystery and intrigue of what would happen next was always more exhilarating that seeing the 2D or 3D build up play.

Had this old, 18 year old title delivered? Well, I’d spent 3 months playing this game and it had really taken over my life. I was going to bed late, getting up early and I’d made more coffee than Gunther from Friends in my bid to stay awake at my desk. I was spending my lunch breaks on forums and watching CM 01/02 streamed games on twitter as I couldn’t wait to get home and resume my game. So yeah, delivered is certainly one way to put it.

It’s repeat play-through value is indeed priceless and while I had achieved my goals as Newcastle gaffer, I still didn’t want to walk away. The devil on my shoulder saying “Just one more season…” while the Angel was saying… “Go on… just one more season…”

I wanted to dip back in immediately, move clubs and maybe manage a country – I felt like I wanted to play this game forever and explore every experience available. With the World Cup approaching, I was itching to do an England play-though with the excitement of a kid at Christmas. I had to physically stop myself for fear I’d never play another game again and FBT would kick me firmly off the site for taking up all the blog space with football puns.

My advice to all football fans, it’s just as good as you remember – and if you didn’t play it get out there and give it a go. It’s free, so what are you waiting for? Kiss goodbye to the partner, the children, your friends and your colleagues tell them you’ll see them in a month. Crack open a beer, put your feet up and play. I promise, you won’t regret it.

Contract J.A.C.K

a second wind review

No One Lives Forever is one of FBT’s fave games. Contract JACK isn’t.

There’s many games I’ve disliked, loads I’ve given up on and a fair few I hated for what they were, but Contract J.A.C.K. is the only one I hate for what it isn’t.

There’s two things that set NOLF apart from any other FPS game; it’s celebration of the Sixties spy genre, and Cate Archer. CJ doesn’t have either and does nothing to replace them. It is a spin-off without the spin. It’s just off.

Set before / alongside NOLF2, John Jack is ‘just another contract killer’ who escapes a bunch of Mafioso thugs only to be tricked into a to-the-death shootout with waves of HARM troops – the super-villain group Cate fights – and discovers it’s actually a fairly extreme job interview to work for HARM itself. Hired, JJ is sent to uncover what ‘Danger Danger’, a rival super-villain group is up to. Essentially our mission is to stop them finding a mad scientist and deliver him to HARM instead, and that means us raiding military bases, a secret rocket facility, NOLF1’s Moon Base and assaulting Danger Danger’s headquarters in Italy. Considering the universe CJ is set in, you can’t help but think you’re in for some fun with the eccentric, surreal inner workings of HARM; at least more of the sixties tv love and silliness. Nope, nothing. Not a thing. Amazingly, what sounds like a fun romp and reboot of NOLF’s plot is a straight shooter without any of of NOLF’s charm, ingenuity or commentary.

There’s nothing to this at all but shooting. Endless, repetitive shooting in badly paced missions that just won’t end, facing waves of henchmen like some close-quarter Serious Sam. CJ has none of the spirit of NOLF, it just happens to look like it, and so you’re constantly reminded of how sublime that was. Cate Archer was a brilliant character. Smart-as, beautiful, capable and able to bat away rampant sexism with a deft one-liner. In her place we have JJ, a standard silent hero – an opportunity to explore the inevitability of being a nameless NCP? Surely he’s called ‘just another contract killer’ for a reason? He should be Sam Rockwell’s character in Galaxy Quest, constantly terrified of getting killed because his character doesn’t even have a name. Or continue NOLF’s commentary on sexism, and parody the unbeatable male hero? No, none of that, JJ isn’t just another killer, he’s just another arm in a shooter.

CJ doesn’t even take the opportunity to repeat Cate’s experiences from the POV of the villains. Hang out with the henchmen, suck up to the Director, observe key moments in the background, getting involved in/ruining HARM’s schemes, meeting Isako, recruiting the villains Cate later faces, the creation of the Supersoliders – there’s a whole subplot about Abigail they could have explored. All ignored. We don’t even get to play with the Man-Handler. So much opportunity and instead we have nothing to do with HARM at all, just a self-contained plot to stop Danger Danger – mostly humourless Italian clichés who aren’t a patch on the French Mimes or Indian Evil Alliance. NOLF parodied generic FPS (remember the sewers?) and now here we are in a master-class of what NOLF aped.

There’s so little of NOLF here it’s like a mod (except the fans would have done better). No stealth, gadgets, puzzles, Santa-style Quartermaster; also missing is Cate’s travels as she dismantles HARM. Admittedly, NOLF2 overdoes the India location but CJ is essentially three locations – the base, the moon and the lair (from the outside) and each outstay their welcome, over-long and over-populated with the same villains doing the same things. It’s so repetitive CJ almost ruins NOLF; there’s so many henchmen to fight you notice how scripted they are when they’re not talking about their mother in law or the causality between villainy and alcoholism. It’s just no fun; how do you miss the fun? Why don’t we have a mission where we (try) to silence Armstrong or recruit Pierre the Mime King? Failure could have been a fun option for this game, an anti-hero in the literal sense, but no.

What about something to tie it in? Naa – when CJ does reference the original it’s getting it wrong; the moonbase is a repeat of NOLF’s trip but without any of the cool 2001-inspired spacesuits or, unforgivably, the nightclub. JJ gets blasted into space and has to fight off other space-villains, repeating the fall from the plane in NOLF, except there’s no henchman yelling ‘please be full of hay’. It’s just a straight shooter using NOLFs assets. There’s no quotable lines, quirky behaviours, in-jokes, references. The only reason I’m persevering is in the hopes Cate might make an appearance. And kill me.

And then, after a too-little, too-late fun ending where we use cannons to take out Danger Danger’s base (which was a slog to get to, enlivened only by a short ride on a Vespa), JJ gets double-crossed by HARM and takes his revenge on Volkov, explaining his pained reappearance in NOLF2. It doesn’t even make sense, other than to explain why Cate doesn’t face off with JJ in NOLF2. Plus, JJ is supposed to be a stone-cold killer and his revenge is ruining Volkov’s holiday? That’s our NOLF payoff? There’s one scene where we torture a Danger-Danger henchman but although it’s played for laughs it’s actually more painful for us, and not an ounce on the scene where Cate tricks a HARM henchman into telling her where their base is.

What were Monolith thinking with this? I can understand some other developer being given the franchise and missing the point but this is inexcusable – they made the original. I mean, CJ is built entirely on NOLF2’s assets, so why did they drop the one thing that made NOLF special? Everyone in HARM is an eccentric, why is JJ a cliched silent hero? He should have been a parody of ill-fated henchmen, or a Frank Drebin type, at least a satire on the silent, masculine heroes. At the very least, it should have been a NOLF game. Contract JACK is one of those straight to video sequels starring Joe Estevez and Don Swayze. It’s Highlander 2.

The most annoying moment is during the opening of JJ’s first mission where, from the back of a truck, we briefly glimpse Cate on her way somewhere far more interesting than we are. That’s like briefly seeing the shark from Jaws then realising you’re in Sharknado. Contract JACK is just a loud, relentless, mindless slog of a shooter and aside from being thankfully short, there’s nothing redeeming about it – I was even more pissed off when in researching this, I discovered something I didn’t know. The PS2 version of NOLF contained an additional level called ‘Nine Years Ago…’ which featured The Fox, Cate’s burglarising alter-ego before her capture by Bruno. How do we have Contract JACK and that’s not available? How could they not have made that prequel instead of this ‘side-quel’? I can’t think of a game that has more spectacularly backfired – and I’ve played Mass Effect Andromeda.

2003 | Developer Monolith Productions | Publisher Sierra Entertainment

Platforms; Win/Internet

Alien vs Predator (2010)

a second wind review

FBT cheers for the underdog in Aliens Vs Predator

Somewhere in space, the Weyland/Yutani corporation has uncovered a Predator training ground. Activating the Pyramid and triggering a huge EMP blast, Weyland sets in motion a series of events – well, one event told from three points of view; the eyes of a colonial marine, the infrared of a Predator, and … however it is that Aliens can see without eyes.

Starting out as a Colonial Marine, we’re circling a planet after a distress call about a research lab being overrun – and a xenomorph may be involved. As our drop ship departs, another ship decloaks and attacks. Crashing on the planet – which does a brilliant job of calling to mind LV-426/Hadley’s Hope – the survivors are scattered. Our hero, ‘Rookie’ is ordered about by Corporal ‘Tequila’, a Vasquez-lite who needs us to find our CO so he can order a rescue. As soon as we’ve done all the usual ‘turn this on’, ‘shut that down’ missions while fighting through Xenos, Tequila realises the only way out is through – as in, the Alien nest, and we all know what’s in one of those.

The Marines section is ultimately a by-the-numbers horror FPS that coasts on our love for Xeno, but the Aliens do elevate it, as does the attention Rebellion gave to reflect the original movies; there’s tons of references, nods and subtle reminders of where all this started. It doesn’t help that our hero is about as generic as you can get though; Rookie should have been cut from the same cloth as Hicks – at the very least, Hudson – but he’s largely Freeman with a pulse rifle. He gets the movie-standard flame-throwers, Smartguns and motion trackers – sometimes blips will disappear and you can’t be sure the aliens have left or just stopped moving; but it’s standard FPS fare – if it wasn’t for those movie-moments that motion-bleep wouldn’t be half as scary.

There’s nothing wrong with the Marine section, but throughout the checkered history that is AvP, humans were always the bridesmaid, never the Queen. They’re not who we’re here for. The Aliens are fast and scary, use stealth and sheer-number attacks, skulk in shadows, run along the walls and ceilings, but it’s not all shock-scares; there are some great stand-up fights to please the Hudson in all of us. Problem is, we never really feel like we’re in an Alien movie (and even less a Predator movie – they barely feature); just a regular shooter and AvP relies a little too heavily on button-mashing – Aliens recoil from a bop on the nose? – have Rookie do an auto-fire with a shotgun while yelling ‘eat this!’ when you hit melee instead! If Shepard can auto-melee when Geth get too close, why can Rookie? And you get pop-ups telling you to ‘hold’ to dish out a pistol-whipping – how much more of a hint do you need than huge teeth rushing at you?

Strangely, the nest isn’t the end for Rookie’s run-through. Once out the other side we have Weyland-Yutani to stop, further removing it from the AvP stars we bought this for. It’s just about getting the hell out of there. Meanwhile, the Predators are trying to get in.

Pred’s mission is fairly straight forward – to contain the outbreak. Of course, it’s not as easy as it seems, but not because of the Marines, Weyland’s plans or even the aliens. It’s because for a Predator, it’s not very good at predatoring. They’re all about tactics, yet there’s nothing subtle about constantly going back to the menu to figure out which button does what – everything requires a button, everything; nothing’s automatic or intuitive – to even leap you have to press two buttons; the Predator is a stealth hunter, a master tactician – it should be fluid, automatic, a pleasure to kill – you’re a creature who’s turned hunting into an art-form but it’s like the Predator’s suit is running Windows 98; “aim the shoulder cannon – Are You Sure?” Oh, and the Aliens can see through your cloak. They’re supposed to be the ultimate prey, their rite of passage, how are the Predators not better prepared? They’re not even acid-proof so you’re constantly taking splash damage.

And when it’s not the woeful under-preparedness, it’s personal admin. Weapons, shield and cloak all pull from a central power source which drains so rather than treating this like a sport, you’re distracted looking for power outlets. Is Pred wearing a Nanosuit from Crysis? And when it is powered up, it’s useless – in heat mode Pred can’t see Aliens, but in ‘Alien vision’ it can’t see Marines. Normal vision makes it hard to see either. How is that super-predator behaviour? You’re always flicking, it’s like watching an 80s music video. I’m constantly taken out of the “Predator” moment – no marine is going to mutter “She says the jungle … it just came alive and took him” when they see me flaying about and falling out of trees. Dillon had it right; bullshit, it doesn’t make any sense. Neither does Pred’s plot.

As other Predators go off to conveniently act as mini-bosses in the other storylines, Pred gets off easy; he’s tasked with destroying the Aliens which Rookie did for him, then turns his attention to destroying the Pyramid for no real reason since it’s all destroyed anyway – one of his pals gives birth to a Predalien and that’s the only bit of business Pred has really; and it turns into a platforming bounce-around over lava. Tactical.

The only thing that makes the Predator stand out is its spectacularly OTT trophy kills. Get close to a marine/alien and you can execute the kind of kills even the movies avoided, with blood and vertebrate spraying everywhere. But even that seems a bit daft. The skulls are trophies of the hunt, not the kills.

The Alien on the other hand, doesn’t have anything to prove.

It’s odd that the Alien is given the best storyline out of all of them. It’s even odder that they’re the best character, the best gameplay and the best reason to even bother playing this. I expected old hissy to be the least satisfying but it’s a whole other level. Referencing Alien Resurrection, we’re in a clinic breeding Aliens. As the scientists collect chestbursters from test-tubes attached to the victims, they notice the sixth specimen is missing. Turns out ‘Six’ smartly chose to burrow back into its victim and leaps out of the mouth to escape. Although the attempt fails, Six catches the eye of Weyland and is spared, only to grow up as a lab rat, trained as a bioweapon for Weyland.

When Wayland opens the Pyramid and triggers the blast, it shuts down the lab and Six breaks out, frees it’s stable-mates and decimates the facility. Then we’re off to rescue the Queen and create a new colony where we all live happily until some marine decides to come clomping through looking for the exit.

Six is just brilliant to play. Being an Alien is constantly thrilling, clever and tactical; the Predators are, when not player-controlled, a serious threat to Six as are the Marines – in the open Six is exposed, but it’s not a stealth game. You have to be as aggressive as strategic and lying in wait for a Marine then leaping out is the stuff of Dietrich’s nightmares. Obviously, it’s all close-quarter fights, flinging claws, tails and teeth but it’s so clean and efficient. You can crawl over walls and ceilings (either auto or triggered, take note Predator), see through walls (again, Predator?) and be an ambush predator (Predator). It is so much fun and to top it off, Six also has an army of Facehuggers. If you pin down a human you can impregnate it instead. Eugh. Six also has ridiculous trophy kills, a POV shot from inside the mouth. Where are their eyes?!

Conveniently, Six is distracted by the Predators (not our Pred; no idea where he went during Six’s mission, likely stymied by a four foot-high wall or gone to charge his suit) while Rookie takes a shortcut through the nest, and due to his actions, recapturing Six becomes Weyland’s focus as everything goes to hell – the scene is set for our generic hero, anti-hero and non-hero to finally meet as we all head to the same final showdown. In the sequel. Which never happened, leaving our heroes on aggravating cliff-hangers. Sure that layabout Predator was happy about that.

Six itself is constantly referred to an exception and more conniving that it’s brethren, and the ending implies a reason for that increased intelligence; it’s annoying that Six was only one third of the game, it’s the absolute star of the show. It’s as if Rebellion took Ash’s line about Kane’s Son having a hostility matched only by it’s perfection and made that its character-arc; I become death, playing more dangerously than I have in years, bolstered by the sheer reputation of the Xeno. It’s completely impossible for me to relate to or impress emotions onto it, and usually I’d complain about not understanding a character’s motivations, but here it’s freeing and compelling. It is the ultimate non-human character to play, literally alien, and that you’re tortured and manipulated in the opening scenes gives you a revenge angle that lets you be a total badass.

While Rookie is a seen-it-all-before shooter with just enough franchise cap-doffing to get away with it, Pred’s should have been like the original movie, with one squad to take out in a game of cat and mouse, or at least a black-ops cover up, leaving no witnesses. He’s cool-AF in the cutscenes but clunky-AF when it comes to game-play. I’m supposed to be ‘El diablo cazador de hombres’ not ‘el diablo jugando como mi madre’.

Another frustration is how linked yet unaffected the separate missions are. They do all impact each other but only in the cut-scenes – Rookie’s faceoff with the Queen has a huge impact on Six, who derails Pred by facehugging one of his pals while Pred … actually not sure Pred does anything to inconvenience the others. It would have been much more interesting to see choices you make affect the others. I’m not asking for Aliens Vs Predator: Mass Effect edition, but a little cause and effect would have gone a long way – we know the Aliens and Predator universes; we know what’s in the nest, what Pred has on his wrist; the idea seems to be you need to play all three stories to get the whole picture, but it’s obvious. We’ve seen it all before. Except Six. It was something else. AvP would have worked better as just A.

An Alien-only game where we have to establish a nest, cocoon folks, raise kids, control lower-caste drones while keeping the colonists unaware and later keep the marines at bay would be awesome; so many ways this could have gone. As it is, AvP is a 3 out of 5. Occasionally a Six.

2010 | Developer Rebellion Developments | Publisher Sega

Platforms; Win/Steam, PS3, X360