Author: fbt

Alan Wake

FBT is Max Payne’s nerdy brother

In 2001 Remedy burst into the shooter scene with Max Payne, a game that helped shape shooters in the noughties; not just a great game, it’s a nod to action cinema of the time -The Matrix & John Woo- and an engrossing noir story, but what made it a classic was the guy we played; Max Payne, a suicidal burnout we thought was cool and we cared about. Two years later Remedy did it again with Max Payne 2, deepening the character, story and the gameplay. If only all game (and movie) sequels could be that good. Let’s not talk about Rockstar’s Max Payne 3. Remedy then spent seven years perfecting their new man, Alan Wake; this is a developer that likes to get things right. And while there is a lot -a hell of a lot- right with Alan Wake, the game isn’t quite the sum of its unnatural parts.

Alan Wake, our eponymous and unwilling hero (I get it, Awake, but Alan? I’m an Alan?), is a famous novelist struggling with writer’s block. His wife Alice suggests a trip to Bright Falls, a remote town that’s so quaint it screams ‘dark underbelly’. Settling into their cabin on the lake, Alan’s hoping to mope about and be all tortured-artist, but Alice has an ulterior motive; get Alan to visit a local celebrity psychologist to lift his spirits and knock out another best-seller. Alan’s not best pleased but no sooner has he stropped off when Alice disappears, and Alan wakes to find himself in a wrecked car a week later. The next thing he knows, violent ghost-like figures are after him and his most valuable weapon is a flashlight.

Alan Wake is as much a pot-boiler film or novel as it is game; Polanski’s Frantic meets Stephen King – in fact, there’s so much King in AW that Remedy sent him a copy. Should have given him a credit. The world is incredible, beautiful yet foreboding, isolated but intimate, it just has this off quality and it ramps up that unease with some juicy ghost-story beats to complicate things; the cabin on the lake hasn’t existed in years, who’s the unknown woman in black who gave them the cabin keys, the slightly off-kilter locals – it’s got all the makings, and that’s before you really get into the Novel-quality story; this isn’t some contrived plot to drive the game; King, Poe, M.R James, Susan Hill, Shirley Jackson; Alan Wake fuses everything that’s good about a small-town ghost story into its own compelling and chilling tale. Where the hell is Alice, what happened in that missing week? Why are there pages of a novel Alan doesn’t recall writing scattered around the town? What broke his writer’s block? Typically, the answers are to be found in the dark and that’s great, but that’s where the game unravels.

As Alan searches for answers, he contends with ‘the Taken’, previously cheery Bright Falls residents now wrapped in some evil Darkness and intent on butchering him. He can dispatch them with a wave of his torch and a well-placed bullet, and that’s the problem; it’s a shooter that doesn’t need to be a shooter. The best thing about a ghost story is nothing traditional will save you; we’re a pasty-faced intellectual, Alan should be completely out of his depth, an everyman – when did Max Payne get here? We’ve played this a hundred times before and it’s hugely at odds with the set up and cut-scenes. The fights are scary at first as you put your flashlight on full beam causing the battery to drain while firing wildly, then take off running, desperately trying to reach the safety of a street light only to be surrounded, with low bullets and no batteries, but the further you stumble on, the more you realise there’s not much else going on; it starts to feel like a zombie shooter and it’s so rail-linear it is literally you walking one way, the Taken staggering in the other; quickly you lose the key thing about going into the woods at night; apprehension.

A surprisingly bold/frustrating move is no melee. Alan can shoot like a trooper but he can’t muster a pistol-whipping? Running out of ammo means dodging until you find a safe haven (and hope it has ammo) or just wait to die and it feels like a lazy way to add tension – it would have been so much scarier to wander with only your torch and smarts as a defence; alone in the dark, hassled by possessed locals you just had a damn fine cup of coffee with isn’t enough? Why is this a shooter? I never thought I’d be annoyed at being armed.

The story though continues to grip, with Alan under suspicion for killing townsfolk and we’re not entirely sure it’s not all in his head – the psychologist even commits him at one point, but the sinister unease is always ruined by some contrivance that forces Alan back into the woods or elsewhere, at night, again. Alan Wake needed to merge the scenes with the reality, make it one inescapable nightmare not a game of two halves. But even without the clearly defined shooter parts to interrupt the flow, the game is broken out much like a TV series, something Remedy’s follow up Quantum Break explored further. Once a story element is resolved, we go to ‘credits’ and the next opens with ‘previously on’ featuring key scenes from the last episode. Why? I should be playing Stranger Things not watching it. An encroaching, suffocating narrative like this shouldn’t be ruined by the game pausing to ask, ‘are you still watching?’

Early reports suggested Alan Wake was going to be open world but Remedy decided would ruin the suspense – it might have worked better non-linear, if you could get lost … Everyone’s taken a shortcut at night down some alleyway, across a park or woods and gotten the heebie-jeebies and to have the town and surrounding area open up as he investigated the pages – then going into the woods would be truly horrible because we would have made the choice; and without weapons it would have been unbearable. If it had a constant clock and you roamed safely in daytime, venturing further only to get lost and see the sun setting … that would have been awesome. I should be too scared to go into the woods, not just dumped with no choice; it reduces the narrative’s dread and scares – I should be bravely walking out, hearing a twig snap and immediately saying “I vote we go back to the Slaughtered Lamb…”

Still, once out of the woods Remedy really have fashioned something beautiful with Alan Wake, it’s one of those games you grumble about then say ‘but it’s great really’; as a (cutscene) hero Alan is a refreshing one – petulant and self-obsessed, while others such as Alan’s agent/friend Barry and the local Sheriff work really well, wondering if they’re just feeding his fantasy, while the ending is Bioshock-brilliant; bitter-sweet and moving, it’s actually one of the best game endings I’ve seen in years. Despite everything else, the final reveal and what Alan does saved it. Alan Wake’s story is pure art, but the game-play … when you turn a bright light on, there’s nothing underneath.

Alan returned for the standalone add-on American Nightmare and a sequel was planned but poor sales caused Remedy to rework some of the ideas into Quantum Break, with mixed results. There aren’t any other developers out there with this level of ingenuity or originality in gaming; the risks and chances Remedy take are always more interesting than a play-it-safe CoD clone. Alan Wake is worth a play just to see a developer pushing the limits of what a shooter should be. Long may they continue.

2010 | Developer Remedy Entertainment | Publisher Microsoft Game Studios

Platforms; Win | X360

Championship Manager 01/02 – Part 2: The Journeyman's Journey

On his Premier League debut, TheMorty’s epic campaign continues in part 2

How will his side fare against the league giants Manchester United and Arsenal? And will the Magpies finally get one over bitter rivals SAFC?

When it comes to Football-based gaming, you could say I’ve been around the block a few times. The ultimate journeyman of the sport. The video-gaming equivalent of Steve Claridge.

Since playing Italia 90 on the Commodore 64, I’ve graduated from the school of Sensible Soccer, owned the entire EA-FIFA catalogue and invested/wasted more years than I care to remember flicking little Subbuteo pieces around the table in my garden shed. Yet, in all the years and all the games, this was undoubtedly the most pressure I’d felt to perform.

I’d played Chamionship manager hundreds of times and gotten teams to a fair few virtual cup finals along the way, but it was always in the comfort of the bedroom. Here, I was about to put my reputation on the line, knowing full well that my tactics and approach would be publicly available and inviting scrutiny. Before it was good fun but now it felt like there was something riding on this. Was I actually any good at this game? or was i just another football fan who talked the talk but hadn’t yet passed his fork-lift truck drivers licence.

Squad vs Ipswich (Away)

Formation: 4-4-2

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, Distin, West, Dyer, Kallstrom, Robert, Shearer ©, Solano, Madeira

Subs: Harper, Acuna, Cort, Bellamy (on 82), Dabizas

Here I was, going into the opening Premier League game of the season and it was fitting I’d been given a fixture down at Portman Road to kick it all off. Facing one of Sir Bobby’s favourite clubs – Ipswich Town, where he notably won The UEFA Cup and FA Cup with the Tractor Boys. My chances to win the former were dashed by the qualifying defeat to Pribram, but to emulate the FA Cup run in my first season in charge would be a dream (some might say a fantasy). There were debuts for Said, West and Duff as my new look defence took shape and a first start for Kim Kallstrom in a 2-man midfield with Kieron Dyer – who is returning to face his former club in Suffolk for the first time since his £6m move to Newcastle in 1999.

The game didn’t go exactly as planned, but there were positives. A very low tempo 0-0 draw was the outcome, Shearer and Madeira both having a 6 rated game and nowhere near the level you’d expect from that calibre of striker. Yet, the defence were superb in keeping an in-form Markus Stewart at bay particularly the three new lads on their debuts. Sylvain Distin deservedly picked up the MoM award. However, as it would transpire – that would be his last game for the club…

Distin was always about money. In his teens, his lightening quick-out-of-the-blocks speed made him an Olympic hopeful for France. He could have been a sprinting great, but he saw his future in the mega-rich world of football opting to sign as a scholar in Paris. In 2002, he had the option to fulfil most players dreams and play Champions League football at either Newcastle or PSG, but instead opted to join newly promoted Manchester City and help them in their relegation battle – almost entirely because they were willing to pay the highest wages. So when the news flashed up that PSG had accepted a bid from Rennes of £1.1m, it was no surprise that we’d likely lose our loan man. And lose him we did, so off went the scouts looking for the ideal replacement. In the meantime, there was another game to prepare for…

Squad vs Spurs (Home)

Formation: 4-5-1

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, West, Elliott, Dyer, Kallstrom, Robert, Shearer ©, Solano, Speed,

Subs: Harper, Madeira (on 46), Cort, O’Brien, Barton (on 46)

From the North East of London to the North East of England come Tottenham Hotspur. A team filled with ageing – but still very dangerous – talent. Poyet, Rebrov and Sir Les Ferdinand were just a few names on the team sheet that had the ability to really punish us. With my team still very much a work in progress and finding their feet, I opted to go for a much more defensive approach. Bringing in Gary Speed as a second defensive midfielder and opting to go with just the one up top, Shearer being preferred to Madeira. Elliot comes in at LB with West moving centrally in place of the departed Distin.

The game gets off to a flyer, with Kieron Dyer banging in a volley from distance to put us 1-0 up on 25 minutes. 4 minutes later though and its only bloody Robbie Elliott (AGAIN) who gives away a penalty. The luck of the Irish was with us, Shay Given pulled off a wonderful diving save to deny Uruguayan striker Gus Poyet an equaliser. Spurs were having most of the possession, but I was reluctant to change things – the plan was to get to half time and regroup. But, typically, I didn’t get that chance. On the stroke of 45 Sergei Rebrov got on the end of a corner and powered a header past a helpless Given to make it ones-a-piece. While it wasn’t mentioned in the on screen text, one can only imagine it was Robbie Elliott that let his man go..

At half time, changes must be made. I switch back to my favoured 4-1-3-2 system, bringing on Tó Madeira to get his first taste of the atmosphere of the 52,000 roars inside St. James Park. Speedo makes way for a fresh striker and I haul off Elliott, moving Taribo West to left back and bringing Warren Barton in at centre back. It only took 9 minutes for my plan to work. Supersub Madeira scoring from close range after rounding the keeper to make it 2-1. After a couple of late scares (including Poyet having a goal disallowed for offside!) We edged over the finish line for the first PL victory of TheMorty’s reign.

One of the many, many things I love about Championship Manager is how easy it is to conduct your transfer business. There’s essentially 3 bits of criteria you need to meet:

  1. Club Asking Price

  2. Player Wages & Signing on Fee

  3. Player Ambition.

That’s essentially it. There’s a goal and assist bonus, a relegation/minimum release clause but they’re optional and only really needed for high-profile players who need that extra bit of convincing to join your club. In the latest iteration of the game (Football Manager 2018) there are far too many options and sets of criteria that need to be met. Seasonal landmarks, target-based wage increases, appearance fees, substitute fees, unused substitute fees. Fees if you win a trophy, fees if you don’t win a trophy. Fees for when they get international recognition and fees when they score international goals. Now, that’s all well and good, it’s modern day football and incentive based contracts are the norm, but when you play a ‘game’ you long for the simplicity, you don’t need every detail to be incredibly realistic. For example, in Call of Duty you hit ‘X’ to reload. You don’t go into a mini-game where you take out the clip, clean the chamber, replace bullets individually and then re-position the sights. The reason you don’t do that is because it’s supposed to be quick and it’s supposed to be fun. Championship Manager 01/02 prides itself on that perfect balance, you take care of the basics and the machine will take care of the rest. My foray into the transfer market here is exactly as I’d hoped – fun. I can buy, sell and sack whoever I want as long as I meet the three outlined standards and boy am I enjoying doing so.

I start throwing out offers to clubs in search for my midfield missing link. First Steven Gerrard turns me down, then Joe Cole at West Ham. Derby see Tonton Zola Moukoko as a hot prospect for the future and reject my offer and, despite meeting Blackpool’s asking price, the club cancel my transfer for ex-Man Utd starlet Richie Wellens because they think the money offered is unrealistic for an unproven youngster. Despite the setbacks, I’m having a whale of a time playing the young Harry Redknapp, trying to wheel and deal my way to spending the limited transfer budget that I have. After the relative success I had bringing in Kim Kallstrom, I turn back away from the English league and look to the Scandi countries, criteria being a midfield player under-21 years old with high work rate, influence, flair and finishing. Eventually, I make a breakthrough… Kennedy Bakircioglu is the name, the 20-year old arriving for £1.9m from Swedish side Hammarby. He’d scored 5 goals in 26 games the season before and been voted young player of the year in the Allsvenskan league. Not bad at all for an 8th of what Steven Gerrard would have cost me!

Squad vs Man Utd (Away)

Formation: 4-5-1 (defensive)

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, West, Elliott, Dyer, Kallstrom, Robert, Shearer ©, Solano, Speed.

Subs: Harper, Madeira (on 46), Cort (on 67), O’Brien, Bakircioglu (on 46)

After a great result against Spurs, I thought I’d try the same tactics again. Contain Manchester United as best I could, trying to nullify some of the best players on the game (and in the world at the time). Giggs, van Nistelrooy, Cole, Veron and Beckham were an attacking force to be reckoned with. If my defensive line could hold, get to half time 0-0, perhaps I could change things up in the second half and bring on some pace in Madeira and Bakircioglu and try to nick a win. Hell, settling for a point this early on at a place like Old Trafford where Newcastle hadn’t won since 1972 would be fantastic. Afterall, the scorers from that day, Stewart Barrowclough and John Tudor, were long gone from the Geordie squad. The plan was good… the execution however… was anything but.

Half time and we were 0-2 down. van Nistelrooy and Cole on the scoresheet as Man Utds front three were all having 10/10 games. I brought on Madeira and Bakircioglu at half time as planned, dropping Gary Speed and – again – Robbie Elliott who were both playing at 5s. Carl Cort came on with 20 minutes + stoppage time to go, but couldn’t stop serial dog-knocker-off-er-er Roy Keane from adding the icing to a very bitterly tasting cake. My first Premier League defeat against one of our oldest enemies. Needless to say, the board weren’t pleased.

Having had enough of Robbie Elliotts antics, I added him to the transfer list and dropped him to the reserves. He’d become a liability and as much as he’s a top lad and fun to have a beer with, I just couldn’t risk against the leagues best anymore. I had to step up my search for a centre back and again took a trip to the Nordics. Young Swede Fredrik Risp fit the bill and soon became my latest addition to the squad in a £3m deal. Whilst scouting Risp, I noticed a player who had scored against him a week or two previous and had a 10-rated MoM game. Abgar Barsom. Another young Swedish player who was valued at only £70k! Similarly to Paiva, it was a risk free move to strengthen the reserve team. In the departure lounge, Bassedas was waiting for a flight to Spain as the Argentinian departed for a record fee of £9.5m to La Liga outfit Real Sociedad. Not that I really wanted to sell him, but he was surplus to requirements and that kind of money was just too good to turn down.

Growing up, my mother’s best friend lived in Falkirk. We’d often take trips up there to visit her and her family. She had a son my age and we got on really well (bonding naturally over football). In the summer of 2001, we were up there for the weekend and me and the lad went along to Brockville Park to see a game. I remember it well, because they were playing St. Mirren (who I was quietly cheering on, given they’re my Scottish grandfather’s boyhood club). It was 2-2 and the game was into stoppage time, when suddenly out of nowhere the ball was in the back of the onion bag and The Bairns had hit a last-minute winner. The 7,000 fans inside the stadium were on their feet and cheering. It was a great atmosphere for such a small club. The scorer of that winning goal was Mark Kerr, and naturally his name rang around the terraces. I got CM 01/02 that year for Christmas and everytime I’d play, I’d always sign him – he was to me as Niko Kranjcar or Jermaine Defoe is to Harry Redknapp. For that one goal I saw him take – I’d take him anywhere with me in return. Keeping up that 100% record, of course he was the next body through the door – signing for my Newcastle project in a £425k deal.

Squad vs Fulham (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Gavilan, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Bakircioglu, Bellamy, Shearer ©, Solano, Madeira.

Subs: Harper, Kerr (on 77), Lee, Barsom (on 77), Kallstrom (on 77).

Back to 4-1-3-2 and a return of the attacking intent. I was done playing to my opponents strengths – time to play to ours. Mike Duff missed out after picking up a training injury and Laurent Robert was very unhappy – he felt he deserved to be paid more and was asking for a pay rise. Much like the late Rev. Ian Paisley – I don’t negotiate with terrorists, particularly not those who’ve only been in the team for 5 minutes and are demanding to be the highest paid player in the club! So Robert got the naughty step treatment and would spend a week in the reserves to contemplate what he had done.

What an incredible game for the neutrals. We thought our luck was in when former Monaco midfielder John Collins got crocked in the 39th minute. However, his replacement Bjarne Goldbaek came on and made an instant impact, putting Jean Tigana’s boys 1-0 up before half time. We fought back with a goal from Bakircioglu on his full debut and we very nearly took the lead, but Shearer’s strike was ruled out for offside. Steve Marlet restored Fulham’s advantage before Madeira struck in the 75th minute to make the game all square. Heading for a draw, I made a 3-man substitution. A last roll of the dice. Kallstrom, Barsom and Kerr – the latter I had hoped would repeat his feat from the St Mirren game I remembered so fondly as a boy. Alas, the opposite happened. Fulham scored a 90th minute winner on the counter attack as we committed men forward. Sods law it had to be ex-nufc striker Louis Saha with the winning goal to cap his Man of the Match performance. Newcastle were on 4 points in 15th position and the board were not happy, making it clear that they expected us to be “winning that type of match”.

Squad vs Southampton (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Bakircioglu, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Solano, Barsom.

Subs: Harper, Madeira (on 77), Lee (on 77), Kerr, Bellamy (on 85).

What better way to bounce back than to record an away win, in some style. A first half brace for Alan Shearer against his former club allowed us to race into a worthy lead, before Kim Kallstrom’s strike sent us in at half time 3 goals to the good. We changed tactics at the break, opting for a more defensive approach and managed to see the game out for a 3-1 victory, horrible hatchet-man Kevin Davies getting their consolation.

Squad vs Aston Villa (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Bakircioglu, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Solano, Barsom.

Subs: Harper, Madeira (on 46), Lee (on 75), Kerr (on 83), Bellamy.

Loathed to change a winning side, I kept the same starting 11 for the game against Villa a few days later. A 0-0 bore draw wasn’t the worst result, the point taking the team up to 12th position.

Having had multiple bids rejected for my #1 goalkeeping target, Sebastien Frey from Serie A team Parma, I went looking for a handy alternative. My search led me to Greece and a 20-something pair of gloves called Dionisis Chiotis at AEK Athens. He had a fantastic clean sheet record for someone so young and at just £1.1m I couldn’t resist. He accepted the contract, but sadly wouldn’t sign in time for the Everton game. While scouting Chiotis in Greece, I came across second division side OFI SC and managed to pick up their Costa Rican forward Ronald Gomez very cheaply. While he didn’t have the greatest of records, his stat of 20 for finishing would prove a good plan B from the bench. He signed in a £70k deal.

Squad vs Everton (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Bakircioglu, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Solano, Madeira.

Subs: Harper, Barsom, Kerr (on 66), Gomez (on 59), Lee.

Another bore draw. Even with Gomez coming off the bench for the last half an hour we still only managed 3 shots on target in 90mins. The two points we’d obtained in consecutive home games wasn’t ideal. Results elsewhere meant we dropped back down to 15th as Aston Villa smashed Sunderland, Leicester got a shock result at home to Spurs and Fulham continued their good form.

Now, one of the best things about playing old football games is the benefit of hindsight and knowledge which you can accrue over time. I had amassed over 15 years of football trivia since this game was released – that’s essentially a players entire career. So I could easily spot a bargain or two and thought I’d search for a few players who might be young and cheap, but had turned into quality players IRL since the games release. I stumbled upon Ricardo Queresma. The skillful Portuguese winger who would go on to have a real-life career winning 7 league titles, 7 domestic cups and the champions league, while playing for iconic teams Barcelona, Inter and Porto. Imagine my shock when I saw this wonderkid available for £1.1m! I snapped off Sporting’s hands and tied him down on a 5-year contract and put him straight into the squad for the next league game at home to Charlton.

Squad vs Charlton (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Bakircioglu, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Solano, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Lee, Kerr (on 23), Gomez (on 85), Queresma (on 85).

After two draws and two defeats from the last 5 games, my form was looking more like the name of a Welsh mining village than that of a league and cup hopeful. With Charlton Athletic coming to Leazes, we had an excellent chance to add a big, fat W on the end of the form and really kick start the season. Get that W we did – and it came in emphatic style!

A bagged brace from Madeira in the first half well and truly got us on the road to victory. The first was a sublime finish from long range and the second a headed effort from a corner. An unfortunate injury to Bakircioglu with barely a quarter of the game gone wasn’t ideal, but his replacement Mark Kerr played a blinder and netted his first goal for the club late in the second half. Chiotis had a fantastic debut in goal and managed to keep a deserved clean sheet – but no-one was taking that MoM award from our pal To up top.

After the game, our fantastic physio Derek Wright (famous for his exceptional pie cooking and eating skills) gave Bakircioglu the once over and found him to be out for around 3 weeks. Best get back to that transfer market… Surprise surprise, I’m back on an EasyJet flight to Sweden. Having had fantastic luck in the Nordic bargain bucket, I figured I’d go hunting again. One player that seemed to have all the attributes was Stefan Selakovic. 24 years old, 10 goals in 25 games from midfield in 00/01. I snapped him up from Halmstad for £1.4m.

Squad vs Leicester (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Kerr, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Lee, Solano, Barsom, Robert.

For 89 minutes the game remained goalless. There’d been little in the way of attack but everyone had played well, Shearer, Madeira, Kerr and Selakovic were all having 8-rated games and I didn’t want to change them. For the first time in my managerial career, I didn’t use a single substitute. Everyone played 90mins and that gamble paid off when Big Al popped up on the edge of the box and smashed home a volley in the 2nd minute of stoppage time. A last-minute winner to bring home all 3 points. Shearer had a knack of scoring against Leicester, in 1997, Alan scored his first hattrick for Newcastle against the Foxes and added to his impressive tally in epic style.

Squad vs Bolton (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Kerr, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Lee (on 30), Solano, Gomez (on 81), Robert (on 81).

Looking for our third win on the spin, we travelled to the North-West to play Sam Allardyce’s Bolton Wanderers. Now, I’ve always had a bit of beef with Bolton. I’m not quite sure why… Maybe it was because they often beat Newcastle IRL. Maybe it was because I disliked Fat Sam’s awful style of football or maybe it was just because they reminded me of the profoundly irritating Peter Kay. Regardless, I was desperate to get one over on them at the Reebok Stadium.

We couldn’t have dreamed of a better start. Madeira is through 1-on-1 with Jussi Jaaskelainen and the big Finn has a rush of blood to the head and comes racing off his line to bundle our Portuguese starlet to the ground. Former school teacher David Elleray points to the spot and gives the keeper his marching orders with a deserved red-card! Shearer steps up and, as always, buries the peno into the top corner. 1-0. As the game went on, it was all Newcastle and Mark Kerr trebled his tally for the term with a pair of strikes on either side of half time. Three zip the score and off go the Toon marching toward the top.

Squad vs Boro (Away)

Formation: 4-4-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Kerr, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Barsom (on 79), Solano (on 79), Gomez, Robert (on 79).

Next up was the Tyne-Smog “derby”, a word I use very loosely… see Middleborough have always hated Newcastle, basically because all of the other teams around the Boro had been relegated off years ago and their local rivals Darlington and Hartlepool were so far down the leagues they never contested any games. Newcastle and Sunderland hated each-other and Boro always felt like they wanted in on the action, but no-one really took notice of them. However, that had changed of late and Middlesbrough had been an ambitious team to watch. Boyhood fan Steve Gibson is an incredible chairman and had ploughed millions of his own fortune into the club, bringing in former England Captain Paul Ince and world-class centre backs Ugo Ehiogu and Gareth Southgate. Underestimate this team at your peril. Looking at their previous games, Boro would likely use the counterattack as their main offence, so I decided to change shape. Going 4-4-2 to protect the fullbacks while keeping the personnel the same.

As expected it was a tight game and ended 0-0. Paul Ince pushed over Mark Kerr in the 52nd minute and Boro were down to 10 men, but there was no way through that defence and Steve McClaren’s mob shut up shop and made it difficult to get past their rear-guard. Even with the introduction of Gomez and Barsom in a 3-up-top formation, we still couldn’t score and disappointingly came away with a share of the spoils.

Having kept the same squad for the last few games, I could see the players were jaded and in need of a rest, with the next game coming in the league cup, it was the perfect opportunity to rest some players – and play the ressies in their place.

Squad vs Cambridge United (League Cup 3rd Round)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Pinheiro, Gavilan, O’Brien, Dabizas, Bernard, Robert, Solano ©, Queresma, Speed, Barsom, Gomez

Subs: Given, Dyer (on 91), Lee (on 91), Said, Paiva (on 67).

The League Cup by many is seen as a secondary competition in England as it lacks the prestige of the FA Cup. Mind, for a team like Newcastle who last tasted domestic success in 1955, this was a chance that we couldn’t pass up. While Arsene Wenger and Gerard Houllier would often create their own banana skin by fielding the reserves in this tournament, I was determined not to lose an opportunity to advance into a cup where I could earn instant adoration from the Geordie public. My team was a perfect mix of up-and-coming youth with a steady spine of experience.

The game couldn’t have started any better, fox-in-the-box Ronald Gomez dispatching a Solano cross within 6 minutes and giving us a 1-0 lead. His strike partner Abgar Barsom wasn’t going to allow Gomez to steal the show and deservedly got in on the act, bagging in the 29th minute. We were cruising in the first half and started to go through the gears in the second. Barsom getting his brace before two late goals from top-trumpeter Nobby Solano made it 5-zip. A fairly easy game, but it was clear there was still a lot of work to do if we’re to progress to a Wembley final. Particularly with some tough Premier League games sandwiching the next cup fixture, and there weren’t many tougher than our next opponent… Leeds United.

Now, Leeds United have a fantastic squad, arguably one of the best in the game. The season previous they’d gotten to the Semi-Final of the Champions League. An extraordinary achievement for any club and one they’d achieved through heavy investment. Big money moves for Rio Ferdinand from West Ham, Robbie Keane from Inter were supplemented with a virtual David O’Leary signing Darren Anderton from Spurs at the start of the in-game season for £8.75m. Beating the Whites would be a very hard ask.

Squad vs Leeds United (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Dyer, Said, Risp, West, Lee, Kerr, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Speed (on 65), Barsom (on 72), Queresma, Robert.

My preparations for Leeds certainly were not helped by a training injury to Mike Duff. It was too big a game to risk bringing in Barton from the cold, so with no recognised RB to speak of, I opted to put Kieron Dyer in as a stop-gap and bring Robert Lee into midfield.

It really was end-to-end stuff as two heavyweights traded blows in one of the most exciting games of the season. Leeds drew first blood when set-piece specialist Ian Harte rattled a direct freekick past the helpless Chiotis and straight into the top corner. Newcastle’s skipper fought back, crashing home a header on the stroke of half time meaning we would go in at the break all-square.

Swedish Selakovic scored to give the mags an advantage before Irishman Keane made it 2-2. Barsom came on for the last 15 making an instant impact and scoring a thunderous strike in the 77th to give Newcastle the advantage going into the final 10 minutes… or so we thought… New signing Darren Anderton came up with an unlikely equaliser in the 80th to deny the lads all three points.

All in all, not a bad point, but the injury to Duff had left a gap that needed filling and it was time to delve back into the market to strengthen that defence. I wanted someone with potential, but who could also make an instant Impact. After looking at Mexes, Boumsong, Hofland and John Terry, I opted to sign “Super” Mario Yepes from River Plate. A right-footed Columbian centre-back who IRL would go on to play over 100 times for PSG and have great domestic success at AC Milan. To buy someone a little older and coming into their prime would cost me a lot more than I’d previously spent on a player, but at £7.75m I was getting a top-quality signing who would hit the ground running. At this stage of the season – sat in 5th position in the league – I was happy to splash the cash.

Squad vs Chelsea (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Dyer, Said, Yepes, West, Lee, Kerr, Bakircioglu, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Queresma (on 90), Barsom (on 90), Kallstrom (on 90), Solano.

Stamford Bridge has always been a difficult ground for the Geordies, even before Abramovich’s billions paved the way for a golden generation at the club. Particularly in CM 01/02, when Chelsea have an exceptional team and are always toward the top of the table. Toon Target John Terry was in fine form and Frank Lampard was scoring goals for fun in midfield. Up front, the deadly partnership of Eidur Gunjonsson and Jimmy-Floyd Hasselbaink was one of the best in the business – the pair already on 15 goals between them by mid-November. I opted to bring in Yepes in place of Risp who’d had a shaky game at Leeds, Dyer continued at RB with Kallstrom being dropped to the bench for the returning Bakircioglu – whose return was a welcome sight.

I’d expected a difficult game, but it was little more than an unexpected formality. Mark Kerr had won the Young Player of the Month award for October and he’d continued his excellent form with another pair of strikes. One in the 18th minute and a rasper in the 84th. Infamous twitter gobshite Leon Knight grabbed a consolation in stoppage time, but in reality it was only their 3rd shot all game. Our defence switching off late on to allow him to score virtually unopposed.

Squad vs Fulham (League Cup 4th Round)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Yepes, West, Dyer, Kerr, Bakircioglu, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Risp (on 78), Barsom (on 78), Kallstrom (on 78), Robert.

Having started the season with a defeat at Craven Cottage, we had chance to finally get a result in West London and advance to the next stage of the cup at the same time. As I mentioned earlier, I wasn’t going to continue with playing the stiffs in this competition. Fulham would play their best team and I want a trophy, so we went full strength. Duff was back from his layoff and came into the team in place of Robert Lee. Despite the changes, the game did not start well. It dd not start well at all…

5 minutes were on the clock when Ibrahim Said was bizarrely sent off for HOLDING one of the players, it wasn’t even in the box! That’s the thing with Championship Manager, it often throws up a bizarre decision or two – rather like real life games I guess where stranger things have happened. I had a decision to make; change tactics or keep it as is and try to attack with 10 men. It’s a cup game and could go to extra time… I opted to change things and earn my coin. I switched to a 3-2-2-2 formation. West, Yepes and Kerr filled the three centre back positions with Duff and Dyer as wing-backs. Kennedy Bakircioglu and Stefan Selakovic played as two central midfielders while Shearer and Madeira stayed unchanged.

We held on for 36 minutes when the deadlock was broken and Steve Marlet scored the opener. I couldn’t help feel this was it, the game and with it my cup dream would be over before half time. Just as I was thinking that, a lifeline. Selakovic smashed home a volley from distance to restore parity – hugely against the run of play. 1-1 going into half time was just what I needed. A chance to re-group. I dropped Madeira deeper into midfield and kept Shearer as a target man. Perhaps this would help us retain possession. We survived a few scares on the 61st and 77th minutes when Saha had TWO goals ruled out for offside. We were really hanging on by a thread.

I made three substitutions in the 78th to shore things up. Risp coming on for Kerr, Kallstrom for Dyer and Barsom for Big Al. If we could just survive until the full-time whistle, maybe we could take them to penalties… Just as I thought the game was heading for an extra 30mins of play, To Madeira came up with a moment of magic. From a corner to Fulham, Newcastle won the ball and raced away on the counter. Kallstrom played it into the channel and Duff picked it up. Duff beat his man and squared from the by-line across the box where Madeira was waiting to slot the ball home from 12 yards. Newcastle had the lead and within seconds of the restart the game was over. Newcastle had won against the odds and were into the quarter finals of the cup!

I got the obligatory message of congratulations from the Newcastle Board of Directors to say they were pleased with the result but we had no time to rest, the next game was against league leaders Arsenal. Whose league record currently stood at P13 W13 with 32 goals scored… for draw specialists Newcastle, getting a victory would be our toughest test yet.

Squad vs Arsenal (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Yepes, West, Dyer, Kerr, Bakircioglu, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Risp, Barsom (on 67), Kallstrom (on 67), Robert (on 88)

Arsenal were a fantastic side. They had world class players approaching their prime. The season previous had saw them runners up to Manchester United in the league and get all the way to the FA Cup final. They were a fantastic outfit and IRL, 01/02 would see them go one better, winning the domestic double. If the game followed real life, they’d be an outstanding side that would rarely lose and be arguably the toughest opponents any player would face.

I’d love this to be the start of a David/Goliath story where we toppled them and inflicted their first defeat, but sadly, that was not to be the case. They made it P14 W14 beating us 2-1 at St. James Park. Our consolation coming in the sad form of an OG. Not the best day at the office… but, it was expected. This team wasn’t yet at the stage of defeating giants and it had a long way to go. Anyway, it was all about the next game… the small matter of the Wear-Tyne Derby.

Newcastle v Sunderland is a rivalry almost as old as time itself. Some would say it goes all the way back to the 1600s where Cromwell’s Parliamentarians (backed by those on Wearside) fought the Crown (backed by those on Tyneside) in a fierce battle on Boldon Hill. On the footballing front, Sunderland and Newcastle have a fierce record. Each has beaten the other 53 times in their history, with 49 ending in a draw – dating all the way back to the first ever match in 1898, where Newcastle ran out 3-2 winners.

This game in 2001 bears a significance for me. Growing up on the outskirts of Newcastle, we had a few Mackems hidden away in the woodwork and they all came crawling out in a state of irritating jubilation the previous season where Don Hutchison and Niall Quinn goals had given the red and whites a 1-2 win on Tyneside. The licencing and merchandising team at the Stadium of Light had gone into overdrive. I remember my teacher having a “we beat the scum 2-1” mug that he drank his coffee from for an entire year and I recall one lad at school bringing in the VHS widely sold for £21.21 (good one). It didn’t matter if it was Football or tiddlywinks, Newcastle and Sunderland were desperate to beat each other in every arena and, knowing what it meant to the fans, I knew this was a game that I just could not lose.

One of the amazing things about Championship Manager 01/02 is that there’s no complicated reserve league set up. Whoever your first team is playing, your reserve teams go head-to-head the day before. I watched on eagerly to see how our young lads would do and was delighted with the result. The Toon ran out 3-1 winners with historical Mackem haters Nikos Dabizas and Shola Ameobi (2) grabbing the goals. It boded very well for the main event, the bi-seasonal showpiece against Sunderland.

Squad vs Sunderland (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Yepes, West, Dyer, Kerr, Bakircioglu, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Ameobi.

Subs: Given, Risp (on 65), Madeira, Kallstrom (on 65), Robert.

I wanted to approach this game professionally and just like any other fixture but, I just couldn’t. My heart ruled my head. Shola “The Mackem Slayer” Ameobi would go on to have a prolific goalscoring record – netting 7 times against the old enemy in 16 professional derbies. He was also in red-hot form, scoring twice the previous night for the reserves and remarkably had a high condition level despite completing 90mins less than 24hours earlier. As much as I knew starting Madeira was the smart move, I just couldn’t have left him out.

The game kicked-off and it was all one-way traffic. Tomas Sorenson was having the game of his life in the Black Cat’s goal frame. First, he saved a fantastic header from Ameobi, then he stopped Shearer’s effort from distance. He was already on a 9 rating and we were only 12 minutes in! I could hear the home fans making noise through my speakers, most of which were chanting nonsense about Alan Shearer’s birth certificate. This was a game I had to read every moment of. I slowed down the game to a snail-paced speed so I could take in every effort, every offside, every throw-in. Games like this made me appreciate the simplicity and joy of text-based gaming and nothing typified this more than the next readable moment. Alan Shearer had beaten the off-side trap, he was through on goal, he only had the keeper to beat. “Shearer shoots at goal” the text read… what happened next felt like an eternity. Like I had time to go downstairs, make a coffee and get back before I’d see if he’d scored or if it had been saved. As I could feel the anticipation building, the text flared up on screen…

SHEARER SCORES flashed the text in black and white, fast enough to trigger a fit in anyone with Photosensitive Epilepsy. GET IN, I shouted, forgetting the Mrs was in the other room, the bairn was asleep and I was a grown man in his 30s. That’s what Championship Manager does to you, it sucks you in to a nostalgic world of your youth and makes you forget where and who you are whenever you’re logged in.

I could see half time approaching, when I saw another flash on screen, this time in the dreaded colours of the opposition. VARGA SCORES. Oh FFS! Stanislav Varga? You’re kidding me. Said had switched off for a moment and Varga nodded home Micky Gray’s floated cross. Half time arrived and the key was not to panic. We’d been all over them in the first half, surely we’d have more of the same second?!

57 minutes where on the clock when Bakircioglu hits a crashing shot from distance. It hits Varga. Ameobi picks up the loose ball. Ameobi bore down on goal. Ameobi Shoots. GOAL!!!!! AMEOBI SCORES. The Mackem Slayer strikes again! A tactical masterstroke bringing Sho Time into the starting line-up for the greatest performance of his career to date. The fans (i.e me) are singing out loud Shola’s name to the tune of the Hokey Cokey and Newcastle hold on for the win.

The board are delighted, the fans are delighted – my now-awake wife and kid are not delighted – telling me to shut up and let them sleep. Worth it though. Worth it.

The win puts us up to 3rd… as we go into December. We’ve achieved something special so far. Overhauled an aging squad, gotten to the Quarter Finals of a cup competition, beaten the old enemy on their own patch and have a team that looks like they can genuinely challenge for silverware. We can’t rest now, but is there really more to come from this team or have we peaked too soon? Was this result was the beginning of something special? Or the last hurrah before the impending downfall. Check out next weeks instalment to find out…

Championship Manager 01/02 – Part 2: The Journeyman’s Journey

On his Premier League debut, TheMorty’s epic campaign continues in part 2

How will his side fare against the league giants Manchester United and Arsenal? And will the Magpies finally get one over bitter rivals SAFC?

When it comes to Football-based gaming, you could say I’ve been around the block a few times. The ultimate journeyman of the sport. The video-gaming equivalent of Steve Claridge.

Since playing Italia 90 on the Commodore 64, I’ve graduated from the school of Sensible Soccer, owned the entire EA-FIFA catalogue and invested/wasted more years than I care to remember flicking little Subbuteo pieces around the table in my garden shed. Yet, in all the years and all the games, this was undoubtedly the most pressure I’d felt to perform.

I’d played Chamionship manager hundreds of times and gotten teams to a fair few virtual cup finals along the way, but it was always in the comfort of the bedroom. Here, I was about to put my reputation on the line, knowing full well that my tactics and approach would be publicly available and inviting scrutiny. Before it was good fun but now it felt like there was something riding on this. Was I actually any good at this game? or was i just another football fan who talked the talk but hadn’t yet passed his fork-lift truck drivers licence.

Squad vs Ipswich (Away)

Formation: 4-4-2

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, Distin, West, Dyer, Kallstrom, Robert, Shearer ©, Solano, Madeira

Subs: Harper, Acuna, Cort, Bellamy (on 82), Dabizas

Here I was, going into the opening Premier League game of the season and it was fitting I’d been given a fixture down at Portman Road to kick it all off. Facing one of Sir Bobby’s favourite clubs – Ipswich Town, where he notably won The UEFA Cup and FA Cup with the Tractor Boys. My chances to win the former were dashed by the qualifying defeat to Pribram, but to emulate the FA Cup run in my first season in charge would be a dream (some might say a fantasy). There were debuts for Said, West and Duff as my new look defence took shape and a first start for Kim Kallstrom in a 2-man midfield with Kieron Dyer – who is returning to face his former club in Suffolk for the first time since his £6m move to Newcastle in 1999.

The game didn’t go exactly as planned, but there were positives. A very low tempo 0-0 draw was the outcome, Shearer and Madeira both having a 6 rated game and nowhere near the level you’d expect from that calibre of striker. Yet, the defence were superb in keeping an in-form Markus Stewart at bay particularly the three new lads on their debuts. Sylvain Distin deservedly picked up the MoM award. However, as it would transpire – that would be his last game for the club…

Distin was always about money. In his teens, his lightening quick-out-of-the-blocks speed made him an Olympic hopeful for France. He could have been a sprinting great, but he saw his future in the mega-rich world of football opting to sign as a scholar in Paris. In 2002, he had the option to fulfil most players dreams and play Champions League football at either Newcastle or PSG, but instead opted to join newly promoted Manchester City and help them in their relegation battle – almost entirely because they were willing to pay the highest wages. So when the news flashed up that PSG had accepted a bid from Rennes of £1.1m, it was no surprise that we’d likely lose our loan man. And lose him we did, so off went the scouts looking for the ideal replacement. In the meantime, there was another game to prepare for…

Squad vs Spurs (Home)

Formation: 4-5-1

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, West, Elliott, Dyer, Kallstrom, Robert, Shearer ©, Solano, Speed,

Subs: Harper, Madeira (on 46), Cort, O’Brien, Barton (on 46)

From the North East of London to the North East of England come Tottenham Hotspur. A team filled with ageing – but still very dangerous – talent. Poyet, Rebrov and Sir Les Ferdinand were just a few names on the team sheet that had the ability to really punish us. With my team still very much a work in progress and finding their feet, I opted to go for a much more defensive approach. Bringing in Gary Speed as a second defensive midfielder and opting to go with just the one up top, Shearer being preferred to Madeira. Elliot comes in at LB with West moving centrally in place of the departed Distin.

The game gets off to a flyer, with Kieron Dyer banging in a volley from distance to put us 1-0 up on 25 minutes. 4 minutes later though and its only bloody Robbie Elliott (AGAIN) who gives away a penalty. The luck of the Irish was with us, Shay Given pulled off a wonderful diving save to deny Uruguayan striker Gus Poyet an equaliser. Spurs were having most of the possession, but I was reluctant to change things – the plan was to get to half time and regroup. But, typically, I didn’t get that chance. On the stroke of 45 Sergei Rebrov got on the end of a corner and powered a header past a helpless Given to make it ones-a-piece. While it wasn’t mentioned in the on screen text, one can only imagine it was Robbie Elliott that let his man go..

At half time, changes must be made. I switch back to my favoured 4-1-3-2 system, bringing on Tó Madeira to get his first taste of the atmosphere of the 52,000 roars inside St. James Park. Speedo makes way for a fresh striker and I haul off Elliott, moving Taribo West to left back and bringing Warren Barton in at centre back. It only took 9 minutes for my plan to work. Supersub Madeira scoring from close range after rounding the keeper to make it 2-1. After a couple of late scares (including Poyet having a goal disallowed for offside!) We edged over the finish line for the first PL victory of TheMorty’s reign.

One of the many, many things I love about Championship Manager is how easy it is to conduct your transfer business. There’s essentially 3 bits of criteria you need to meet:

  1. Club Asking Price
  2. Player Wages & Signing on Fee
  3. Player Ambition.

That’s essentially it. There’s a goal and assist bonus, a relegation/minimum release clause but they’re optional and only really needed for high-profile players who need that extra bit of convincing to join your club. In the latest iteration of the game (Football Manager 2018) there are far too many options and sets of criteria that need to be met. Seasonal landmarks, target-based wage increases, appearance fees, substitute fees, unused substitute fees. Fees if you win a trophy, fees if you don’t win a trophy. Fees for when they get international recognition and fees when they score international goals. Now, that’s all well and good, it’s modern day football and incentive based contracts are the norm, but when you play a ‘game’ you long for the simplicity, you don’t need every detail to be incredibly realistic. For example, in Call of Duty you hit ‘X’ to reload. You don’t go into a mini-game where you take out the clip, clean the chamber, replace bullets individually and then re-position the sights. The reason you don’t do that is because it’s supposed to be quick and it’s supposed to be fun. Championship Manager 01/02 prides itself on that perfect balance, you take care of the basics and the machine will take care of the rest. My foray into the transfer market here is exactly as I’d hoped – fun. I can buy, sell and sack whoever I want as long as I meet the three outlined standards and boy am I enjoying doing so.

I start throwing out offers to clubs in search for my midfield missing link. First Steven Gerrard turns me down, then Joe Cole at West Ham. Derby see Tonton Zola Moukoko as a hot prospect for the future and reject my offer and, despite meeting Blackpool’s asking price, the club cancel my transfer for ex-Man Utd starlet Richie Wellens because they think the money offered is unrealistic for an unproven youngster. Despite the setbacks, I’m having a whale of a time playing the young Harry Redknapp, trying to wheel and deal my way to spending the limited transfer budget that I have. After the relative success I had bringing in Kim Kallstrom, I turn back away from the English league and look to the Scandi countries, criteria being a midfield player under-21 years old with high work rate, influence, flair and finishing. Eventually, I make a breakthrough… Kennedy Bakircioglu is the name, the 20-year old arriving for £1.9m from Swedish side Hammarby. He’d scored 5 goals in 26 games the season before and been voted young player of the year in the Allsvenskan league. Not bad at all for an 8th of what Steven Gerrard would have cost me!

Squad vs Man Utd (Away)

Formation: 4-5-1 (defensive)

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, West, Elliott, Dyer, Kallstrom, Robert, Shearer ©, Solano, Speed.

Subs: Harper, Madeira (on 46), Cort (on 67), O’Brien, Bakircioglu (on 46)

After a great result against Spurs, I thought I’d try the same tactics again. Contain Manchester United as best I could, trying to nullify some of the best players on the game (and in the world at the time). Giggs, van Nistelrooy, Cole, Veron and Beckham were an attacking force to be reckoned with. If my defensive line could hold, get to half time 0-0, perhaps I could change things up in the second half and bring on some pace in Madeira and Bakircioglu and try to nick a win. Hell, settling for a point this early on at a place like Old Trafford where Newcastle hadn’t won since 1972 would be fantastic. Afterall, the scorers from that day, Stewart Barrowclough and John Tudor, were long gone from the Geordie squad. The plan was good… the execution however… was anything but.

Half time and we were 0-2 down. van Nistelrooy and Cole on the scoresheet as Man Utds front three were all having 10/10 games. I brought on Madeira and Bakircioglu at half time as planned, dropping Gary Speed and – again – Robbie Elliott who were both playing at 5s. Carl Cort came on with 20 minutes + stoppage time to go, but couldn’t stop serial dog-knocker-off-er-er Roy Keane from adding the icing to a very bitterly tasting cake. My first Premier League defeat against one of our oldest enemies. Needless to say, the board weren’t pleased.

Having had enough of Robbie Elliotts antics, I added him to the transfer list and dropped him to the reserves. He’d become a liability and as much as he’s a top lad and fun to have a beer with, I just couldn’t risk against the leagues best anymore. I had to step up my search for a centre back and again took a trip to the Nordics. Young Swede Fredrik Risp fit the bill and soon became my latest addition to the squad in a £3m deal. Whilst scouting Risp, I noticed a player who had scored against him a week or two previous and had a 10-rated MoM game. Abgar Barsom. Another young Swedish player who was valued at only £70k! Similarly to Paiva, it was a risk free move to strengthen the reserve team. In the departure lounge, Bassedas was waiting for a flight to Spain as the Argentinian departed for a record fee of £9.5m to La Liga outfit Real Sociedad. Not that I really wanted to sell him, but he was surplus to requirements and that kind of money was just too good to turn down.

Growing up, my mother’s best friend lived in Falkirk. We’d often take trips up there to visit her and her family. She had a son my age and we got on really well (bonding naturally over football). In the summer of 2001, we were up there for the weekend and me and the lad went along to Brockville Park to see a game. I remember it well, because they were playing St. Mirren (who I was quietly cheering on, given they’re my Scottish grandfather’s boyhood club). It was 2-2 and the game was into stoppage time, when suddenly out of nowhere the ball was in the back of the onion bag and The Bairns had hit a last-minute winner. The 7,000 fans inside the stadium were on their feet and cheering. It was a great atmosphere for such a small club. The scorer of that winning goal was Mark Kerr, and naturally his name rang around the terraces. I got CM 01/02 that year for Christmas and everytime I’d play, I’d always sign him – he was to me as Niko Kranjcar or Jermaine Defoe is to Harry Redknapp. For that one goal I saw him take – I’d take him anywhere with me in return. Keeping up that 100% record, of course he was the next body through the door – signing for my Newcastle project in a £425k deal.

Squad vs Fulham (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Gavilan, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Bakircioglu, Bellamy, Shearer ©, Solano, Madeira.

Subs: Harper, Kerr (on 77), Lee, Barsom (on 77), Kallstrom (on 77).

Back to 4-1-3-2 and a return of the attacking intent. I was done playing to my opponents strengths – time to play to ours. Mike Duff missed out after picking up a training injury and Laurent Robert was very unhappy – he felt he deserved to be paid more and was asking for a pay rise. Much like the late Rev. Ian Paisley – I don’t negotiate with terrorists, particularly not those who’ve only been in the team for 5 minutes and are demanding to be the highest paid player in the club! So Robert got the naughty step treatment and would spend a week in the reserves to contemplate what he had done.

What an incredible game for the neutrals. We thought our luck was in when former Monaco midfielder John Collins got crocked in the 39th minute. However, his replacement Bjarne Goldbaek came on and made an instant impact, putting Jean Tigana’s boys 1-0 up before half time. We fought back with a goal from Bakircioglu on his full debut and we very nearly took the lead, but Shearer’s strike was ruled out for offside. Steve Marlet restored Fulham’s advantage before Madeira struck in the 75th minute to make the game all square. Heading for a draw, I made a 3-man substitution. A last roll of the dice. Kallstrom, Barsom and Kerr – the latter I had hoped would repeat his feat from the St Mirren game I remembered so fondly as a boy. Alas, the opposite happened. Fulham scored a 90th minute winner on the counter attack as we committed men forward. Sods law it had to be ex-nufc striker Louis Saha with the winning goal to cap his Man of the Match performance. Newcastle were on 4 points in 15th position and the board were not happy, making it clear that they expected us to be “winning that type of match”.

Squad vs Southampton (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Bakircioglu, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Solano, Barsom.

Subs: Harper, Madeira (on 77), Lee (on 77), Kerr, Bellamy (on 85).

What better way to bounce back than to record an away win, in some style. A first half brace for Alan Shearer against his former club allowed us to race into a worthy lead, before Kim Kallstrom’s strike sent us in at half time 3 goals to the good. We changed tactics at the break, opting for a more defensive approach and managed to see the game out for a 3-1 victory, horrible hatchet-man Kevin Davies getting their consolation.

Squad vs Aston Villa (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Bakircioglu, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Solano, Barsom.

Subs: Harper, Madeira (on 46), Lee (on 75), Kerr (on 83), Bellamy.

Loathed to change a winning side, I kept the same starting 11 for the game against Villa a few days later. A 0-0 bore draw wasn’t the worst result, the point taking the team up to 12th position.

Having had multiple bids rejected for my #1 goalkeeping target, Sebastien Frey from Serie A team Parma, I went looking for a handy alternative. My search led me to Greece and a 20-something pair of gloves called Dionisis Chiotis at AEK Athens. He had a fantastic clean sheet record for someone so young and at just £1.1m I couldn’t resist. He accepted the contract, but sadly wouldn’t sign in time for the Everton game. While scouting Chiotis in Greece, I came across second division side OFI SC and managed to pick up their Costa Rican forward Ronald Gomez very cheaply. While he didn’t have the greatest of records, his stat of 20 for finishing would prove a good plan B from the bench. He signed in a £70k deal.

Squad vs Everton (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Bakircioglu, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Solano, Madeira.

Subs: Harper, Barsom, Kerr (on 66), Gomez (on 59), Lee.

Another bore draw. Even with Gomez coming off the bench for the last half an hour we still only managed 3 shots on target in 90mins. The two points we’d obtained in consecutive home games wasn’t ideal. Results elsewhere meant we dropped back down to 15th as Aston Villa smashed Sunderland, Leicester got a shock result at home to Spurs and Fulham continued their good form.

Now, one of the best things about playing old football games is the benefit of hindsight and knowledge which you can accrue over time. I had amassed over 15 years of football trivia since this game was released – that’s essentially a players entire career. So I could easily spot a bargain or two and thought I’d search for a few players who might be young and cheap, but had turned into quality players IRL since the games release. I stumbled upon Ricardo Queresma. The skillful Portuguese winger who would go on to have a real-life career winning 7 league titles, 7 domestic cups and the champions league, while playing for iconic teams Barcelona, Inter and Porto. Imagine my shock when I saw this wonderkid available for £1.1m! I snapped off Sporting’s hands and tied him down on a 5-year contract and put him straight into the squad for the next league game at home to Charlton.

Squad vs Charlton (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Bakircioglu, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Solano, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Lee, Kerr (on 23), Gomez (on 85), Queresma (on 85).

After two draws and two defeats from the last 5 games, my form was looking more like the name of a Welsh mining village than that of a league and cup hopeful. With Charlton Athletic coming to Leazes, we had an excellent chance to add a big, fat W on the end of the form and really kick start the season. Get that W we did – and it came in emphatic style!

A bagged brace from Madeira in the first half well and truly got us on the road to victory. The first was a sublime finish from long range and the second a headed effort from a corner. An unfortunate injury to Bakircioglu with barely a quarter of the game gone wasn’t ideal, but his replacement Mark Kerr played a blinder and netted his first goal for the club late in the second half. Chiotis had a fantastic debut in goal and managed to keep a deserved clean sheet – but no-one was taking that MoM award from our pal To up top.

After the game, our fantastic physio Derek Wright (famous for his exceptional pie cooking and eating skills) gave Bakircioglu the once over and found him to be out for around 3 weeks. Best get back to that transfer market… Surprise surprise, I’m back on an EasyJet flight to Sweden. Having had fantastic luck in the Nordic bargain bucket, I figured I’d go hunting again. One player that seemed to have all the attributes was Stefan Selakovic. 24 years old, 10 goals in 25 games from midfield in 00/01. I snapped him up from Halmstad for £1.4m.

Squad vs Leicester (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Kerr, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Lee, Solano, Barsom, Robert.

For 89 minutes the game remained goalless. There’d been little in the way of attack but everyone had played well, Shearer, Madeira, Kerr and Selakovic were all having 8-rated games and I didn’t want to change them. For the first time in my managerial career, I didn’t use a single substitute. Everyone played 90mins and that gamble paid off when Big Al popped up on the edge of the box and smashed home a volley in the 2nd minute of stoppage time. A last-minute winner to bring home all 3 points. Shearer had a knack of scoring against Leicester, in 1997, Alan scored his first hattrick for Newcastle against the Foxes and added to his impressive tally in epic style.

Squad vs Bolton (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Kerr, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Lee (on 30), Solano, Gomez (on 81), Robert (on 81).

Looking for our third win on the spin, we travelled to the North-West to play Sam Allardyce’s Bolton Wanderers. Now, I’ve always had a bit of beef with Bolton. I’m not quite sure why… Maybe it was because they often beat Newcastle IRL. Maybe it was because I disliked Fat Sam’s awful style of football or maybe it was just because they reminded me of the profoundly irritating Peter Kay. Regardless, I was desperate to get one over on them at the Reebok Stadium.

We couldn’t have dreamed of a better start. Madeira is through 1-on-1 with Jussi Jaaskelainen and the big Finn has a rush of blood to the head and comes racing off his line to bundle our Portuguese starlet to the ground. Former school teacher David Elleray points to the spot and gives the keeper his marching orders with a deserved red-card! Shearer steps up and, as always, buries the peno into the top corner. 1-0. As the game went on, it was all Newcastle and Mark Kerr trebled his tally for the term with a pair of strikes on either side of half time. Three zip the score and off go the Toon marching toward the top.

Squad vs Boro (Away)

Formation: 4-4-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Risp, West, Dyer, Kerr, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Barsom (on 79), Solano (on 79), Gomez, Robert (on 79).

Next up was the Tyne-Smog “derby”, a word I use very loosely… see Middleborough have always hated Newcastle, basically because all of the other teams around the Boro had been relegated off years ago and their local rivals Darlington and Hartlepool were so far down the leagues they never contested any games. Newcastle and Sunderland hated each-other and Boro always felt like they wanted in on the action, but no-one really took notice of them. However, that had changed of late and Middlesbrough had been an ambitious team to watch. Boyhood fan Steve Gibson is an incredible chairman and had ploughed millions of his own fortune into the club, bringing in former England Captain Paul Ince and world-class centre backs Ugo Ehiogu and Gareth Southgate. Underestimate this team at your peril. Looking at their previous games, Boro would likely use the counterattack as their main offence, so I decided to change shape. Going 4-4-2 to protect the fullbacks while keeping the personnel the same.

As expected it was a tight game and ended 0-0. Paul Ince pushed over Mark Kerr in the 52nd minute and Boro were down to 10 men, but there was no way through that defence and Steve McClaren’s mob shut up shop and made it difficult to get past their rear-guard. Even with the introduction of Gomez and Barsom in a 3-up-top formation, we still couldn’t score and disappointingly came away with a share of the spoils.

Having kept the same squad for the last few games, I could see the players were jaded and in need of a rest, with the next game coming in the league cup, it was the perfect opportunity to rest some players – and play the ressies in their place.

Squad vs Cambridge United (League Cup 3rd Round)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Pinheiro, Gavilan, O’Brien, Dabizas, Bernard, Robert, Solano ©, Queresma, Speed, Barsom, Gomez

Subs: Given, Dyer (on 91), Lee (on 91), Said, Paiva (on 67).

The League Cup by many is seen as a secondary competition in England as it lacks the prestige of the FA Cup. Mind, for a team like Newcastle who last tasted domestic success in 1955, this was a chance that we couldn’t pass up. While Arsene Wenger and Gerard Houllier would often create their own banana skin by fielding the reserves in this tournament, I was determined not to lose an opportunity to advance into a cup where I could earn instant adoration from the Geordie public. My team was a perfect mix of up-and-coming youth with a steady spine of experience.

The game couldn’t have started any better, fox-in-the-box Ronald Gomez dispatching a Solano cross within 6 minutes and giving us a 1-0 lead. His strike partner Abgar Barsom wasn’t going to allow Gomez to steal the show and deservedly got in on the act, bagging in the 29th minute. We were cruising in the first half and started to go through the gears in the second. Barsom getting his brace before two late goals from top-trumpeter Nobby Solano made it 5-zip. A fairly easy game, but it was clear there was still a lot of work to do if we’re to progress to a Wembley final. Particularly with some tough Premier League games sandwiching the next cup fixture, and there weren’t many tougher than our next opponent… Leeds United.

Now, Leeds United have a fantastic squad, arguably one of the best in the game. The season previous they’d gotten to the Semi-Final of the Champions League. An extraordinary achievement for any club and one they’d achieved through heavy investment. Big money moves for Rio Ferdinand from West Ham, Robbie Keane from Inter were supplemented with a virtual David O’Leary signing Darren Anderton from Spurs at the start of the in-game season for £8.75m. Beating the Whites would be a very hard ask.

Squad vs Leeds United (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Dyer, Said, Risp, West, Lee, Kerr, Kallstrom, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Speed (on 65), Barsom (on 72), Queresma, Robert.

My preparations for Leeds certainly were not helped by a training injury to Mike Duff. It was too big a game to risk bringing in Barton from the cold, so with no recognised RB to speak of, I opted to put Kieron Dyer in as a stop-gap and bring Robert Lee into midfield.

It really was end-to-end stuff as two heavyweights traded blows in one of the most exciting games of the season. Leeds drew first blood when set-piece specialist Ian Harte rattled a direct freekick past the helpless Chiotis and straight into the top corner. Newcastle’s skipper fought back, crashing home a header on the stroke of half time meaning we would go in at the break all-square.

Swedish Selakovic scored to give the mags an advantage before Irishman Keane made it 2-2. Barsom came on for the last 15 making an instant impact and scoring a thunderous strike in the 77th to give Newcastle the advantage going into the final 10 minutes… or so we thought… New signing Darren Anderton came up with an unlikely equaliser in the 80th to deny the lads all three points.

All in all, not a bad point, but the injury to Duff had left a gap that needed filling and it was time to delve back into the market to strengthen that defence. I wanted someone with potential, but who could also make an instant Impact. After looking at Mexes, Boumsong, Hofland and John Terry, I opted to sign “Super” Mario Yepes from River Plate. A right-footed Columbian centre-back who IRL would go on to play over 100 times for PSG and have great domestic success at AC Milan. To buy someone a little older and coming into their prime would cost me a lot more than I’d previously spent on a player, but at £7.75m I was getting a top-quality signing who would hit the ground running. At this stage of the season – sat in 5th position in the league – I was happy to splash the cash.

Squad vs Chelsea (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Dyer, Said, Yepes, West, Lee, Kerr, Bakircioglu, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Queresma (on 90), Barsom (on 90), Kallstrom (on 90), Solano.

Stamford Bridge has always been a difficult ground for the Geordies, even before Abramovich’s billions paved the way for a golden generation at the club. Particularly in CM 01/02, when Chelsea have an exceptional team and are always toward the top of the table. Toon Target John Terry was in fine form and Frank Lampard was scoring goals for fun in midfield. Up front, the deadly partnership of Eidur Gunjonsson and Jimmy-Floyd Hasselbaink was one of the best in the business – the pair already on 15 goals between them by mid-November. I opted to bring in Yepes in place of Risp who’d had a shaky game at Leeds, Dyer continued at RB with Kallstrom being dropped to the bench for the returning Bakircioglu – whose return was a welcome sight.

I’d expected a difficult game, but it was little more than an unexpected formality. Mark Kerr had won the Young Player of the Month award for October and he’d continued his excellent form with another pair of strikes. One in the 18th minute and a rasper in the 84th. Infamous twitter gobshite Leon Knight grabbed a consolation in stoppage time, but in reality it was only their 3rd shot all game. Our defence switching off late on to allow him to score virtually unopposed.

Squad vs Fulham (League Cup 4th Round)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Yepes, West, Dyer, Kerr, Bakircioglu, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Risp (on 78), Barsom (on 78), Kallstrom (on 78), Robert.

Having started the season with a defeat at Craven Cottage, we had chance to finally get a result in West London and advance to the next stage of the cup at the same time. As I mentioned earlier, I wasn’t going to continue with playing the stiffs in this competition. Fulham would play their best team and I want a trophy, so we went full strength. Duff was back from his layoff and came into the team in place of Robert Lee. Despite the changes, the game did not start well. It dd not start well at all…

5 minutes were on the clock when Ibrahim Said was bizarrely sent off for HOLDING one of the players, it wasn’t even in the box! That’s the thing with Championship Manager, it often throws up a bizarre decision or two – rather like real life games I guess where stranger things have happened. I had a decision to make; change tactics or keep it as is and try to attack with 10 men. It’s a cup game and could go to extra time… I opted to change things and earn my coin. I switched to a 3-2-2-2 formation. West, Yepes and Kerr filled the three centre back positions with Duff and Dyer as wing-backs. Kennedy Bakircioglu and Stefan Selakovic played as two central midfielders while Shearer and Madeira stayed unchanged.

We held on for 36 minutes when the deadlock was broken and Steve Marlet scored the opener. I couldn’t help feel this was it, the game and with it my cup dream would be over before half time. Just as I was thinking that, a lifeline. Selakovic smashed home a volley from distance to restore parity – hugely against the run of play. 1-1 going into half time was just what I needed. A chance to re-group. I dropped Madeira deeper into midfield and kept Shearer as a target man. Perhaps this would help us retain possession. We survived a few scares on the 61st and 77th minutes when Saha had TWO goals ruled out for offside. We were really hanging on by a thread.

I made three substitutions in the 78th to shore things up. Risp coming on for Kerr, Kallstrom for Dyer and Barsom for Big Al. If we could just survive until the full-time whistle, maybe we could take them to penalties… Just as I thought the game was heading for an extra 30mins of play, To Madeira came up with a moment of magic. From a corner to Fulham, Newcastle won the ball and raced away on the counter. Kallstrom played it into the channel and Duff picked it up. Duff beat his man and squared from the by-line across the box where Madeira was waiting to slot the ball home from 12 yards. Newcastle had the lead and within seconds of the restart the game was over. Newcastle had won against the odds and were into the quarter finals of the cup!

I got the obligatory message of congratulations from the Newcastle Board of Directors to say they were pleased with the result but we had no time to rest, the next game was against league leaders Arsenal. Whose league record currently stood at P13 W13 with 32 goals scored… for draw specialists Newcastle, getting a victory would be our toughest test yet.

Squad vs Arsenal (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Yepes, West, Dyer, Kerr, Bakircioglu, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Madeira.

Subs: Given, Risp, Barsom (on 67), Kallstrom (on 67), Robert (on 88)

Arsenal were a fantastic side. They had world class players approaching their prime. The season previous had saw them runners up to Manchester United in the league and get all the way to the FA Cup final. They were a fantastic outfit and IRL, 01/02 would see them go one better, winning the domestic double. If the game followed real life, they’d be an outstanding side that would rarely lose and be arguably the toughest opponents any player would face.

I’d love this to be the start of a David/Goliath story where we toppled them and inflicted their first defeat, but sadly, that was not to be the case. They made it P14 W14 beating us 2-1 at St. James Park. Our consolation coming in the sad form of an OG. Not the best day at the office… but, it was expected. This team wasn’t yet at the stage of defeating giants and it had a long way to go. Anyway, it was all about the next game… the small matter of the Wear-Tyne Derby.

Newcastle v Sunderland is a rivalry almost as old as time itself. Some would say it goes all the way back to the 1600s where Cromwell’s Parliamentarians (backed by those on Wearside) fought the Crown (backed by those on Tyneside) in a fierce battle on Boldon Hill. On the footballing front, Sunderland and Newcastle have a fierce record. Each has beaten the other 53 times in their history, with 49 ending in a draw – dating all the way back to the first ever match in 1898, where Newcastle ran out 3-2 winners.

This game in 2001 bears a significance for me. Growing up on the outskirts of Newcastle, we had a few Mackems hidden away in the woodwork and they all came crawling out in a state of irritating jubilation the previous season where Don Hutchison and Niall Quinn goals had given the red and whites a 1-2 win on Tyneside. The licencing and merchandising team at the Stadium of Light had gone into overdrive. I remember my teacher having a “we beat the scum 2-1” mug that he drank his coffee from for an entire year and I recall one lad at school bringing in the VHS widely sold for £21.21 (good one). It didn’t matter if it was Football or tiddlywinks, Newcastle and Sunderland were desperate to beat each other in every arena and, knowing what it meant to the fans, I knew this was a game that I just could not lose.

One of the amazing things about Championship Manager 01/02 is that there’s no complicated reserve league set up. Whoever your first team is playing, your reserve teams go head-to-head the day before. I watched on eagerly to see how our young lads would do and was delighted with the result. The Toon ran out 3-1 winners with historical Mackem haters Nikos Dabizas and Shola Ameobi (2) grabbing the goals. It boded very well for the main event, the bi-seasonal showpiece against Sunderland.

Squad vs Sunderland (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Chiotis, Duff, Said, Yepes, West, Dyer, Kerr, Bakircioglu, Shearer ©, Selakovic, Ameobi.

Subs: Given, Risp (on 65), Madeira, Kallstrom (on 65), Robert.

I wanted to approach this game professionally and just like any other fixture but, I just couldn’t. My heart ruled my head. Shola “The Mackem Slayer” Ameobi would go on to have a prolific goalscoring record – netting 7 times against the old enemy in 16 professional derbies. He was also in red-hot form, scoring twice the previous night for the reserves and remarkably had a high condition level despite completing 90mins less than 24hours earlier. As much as I knew starting Madeira was the smart move, I just couldn’t have left him out.

The game kicked-off and it was all one-way traffic. Tomas Sorenson was having the game of his life in the Black Cat’s goal frame. First, he saved a fantastic header from Ameobi, then he stopped Shearer’s effort from distance. He was already on a 9 rating and we were only 12 minutes in! I could hear the home fans making noise through my speakers, most of which were chanting nonsense about Alan Shearer’s birth certificate. This was a game I had to read every moment of. I slowed down the game to a snail-paced speed so I could take in every effort, every offside, every throw-in. Games like this made me appreciate the simplicity and joy of text-based gaming and nothing typified this more than the next readable moment. Alan Shearer had beaten the off-side trap, he was through on goal, he only had the keeper to beat. “Shearer shoots at goal” the text read… what happened next felt like an eternity. Like I had time to go downstairs, make a coffee and get back before I’d see if he’d scored or if it had been saved. As I could feel the anticipation building, the text flared up on screen…

SHEARER SCORES flashed the text in black and white, fast enough to trigger a fit in anyone with Photosensitive Epilepsy. GET IN, I shouted, forgetting the Mrs was in the other room, the bairn was asleep and I was a grown man in his 30s. That’s what Championship Manager does to you, it sucks you in to a nostalgic world of your youth and makes you forget where and who you are whenever you’re logged in.

I could see half time approaching, when I saw another flash on screen, this time in the dreaded colours of the opposition. VARGA SCORES. Oh FFS! Stanislav Varga? You’re kidding me. Said had switched off for a moment and Varga nodded home Micky Gray’s floated cross. Half time arrived and the key was not to panic. We’d been all over them in the first half, surely we’d have more of the same second?!

57 minutes where on the clock when Bakircioglu hits a crashing shot from distance. It hits Varga. Ameobi picks up the loose ball. Ameobi bore down on goal. Ameobi Shoots. GOAL!!!!! AMEOBI SCORES. The Mackem Slayer strikes again! A tactical masterstroke bringing Sho Time into the starting line-up for the greatest performance of his career to date. The fans (i.e me) are singing out loud Shola’s name to the tune of the Hokey Cokey and Newcastle hold on for the win.

The board are delighted, the fans are delighted – my now-awake wife and kid are not delighted – telling me to shut up and let them sleep. Worth it though. Worth it.

The win puts us up to 3rd… as we go into December. We’ve achieved something special so far. Overhauled an aging squad, gotten to the Quarter Finals of a cup competition, beaten the old enemy on their own patch and have a team that looks like they can genuinely challenge for silverware. We can’t rest now, but is there really more to come from this team or have we peaked too soon? Was this result was the beginning of something special? Or the last hurrah before the impending downfall. Check out next weeks instalment to find out…

#football #ChampionshipManager #TheMorty #Sports #epl #nufc

Heretic

A Blast from the Past review

If there was one FPS from the Doom era FBT would call his fave, it would be Blood.

And Heretic.

The Past

I have hugely fond memories of Heretic. It was part of such a great era of gaming, thanks to id. That half-decade, starting with Wolfenstein and ending with Half-Life, was a grand golden age of familiar, similar fun – Wolf, Doom, Heretic, Rise of the Triad, Duke, Shadow Warrior, Dark Forces, Redneck Rampage, Blake Stone, the mighty Blood; until Quake (and Goldeneye for the N64 crowd) they were interchangeable and all great. I’m sure there’s more games listed under ‘Doom Clone’ on wiki, but back then, with shareware disks traded about and hundreds of magazine CDs filled with demos that piled up in the corner – you could never be sure what you’d played. It was glorious gamer mayhem until Steam ruined it.

I always liked Heretic’s goth sorcery setting, all medieval villages and castles, filled with flying imps, giant floating skulls that fired tornados and those Alien-a-like rip-offs. It felt like Lord of the Rings if Sauron won. Heretic and Blood are the ones I remember most fondly, being much more fun to play, much more involving than the others; I have no idea why I was shooting or who I was shooting but I remember the creatures I shot, I remember the weapons I used and the magic spells I cast; who forgets turning creatures into chickens?

I’m guessing Heretic hasn’t aged well; it was built on the Doom Engine so it’s going to be basic but it was overseen by Romero and developers Raven were also behind the good Elite Force and the great Jedi Knight II so maybe it’s withstood the test of time. Let’s go to the land of whatever and find out.

Still a Blast?

Heretic is hard to look at. Not just because the pixel count is in double-digits, but because there’s a lot of red and green and brown. It’s like one of those optician tests to see if you’re colour-blind. But, I’m also instantly back to that era, having simple fun blasting away at the tiny little flying imps. I still don’t know why or what I’m doing. There’s a couple of ‘serpent riders’ who have corrupted the kings of various worlds and filled them with their own creatures. I’m an elf (an elf?! I never thought I was an elf, he has a hairy mitt of a shooting arm) who’s taken it upon himself to rid the world of those Riders. I find I don’t really care. I miss this simpler, point and shoot era; of course, if a game was released this basic now I’d whinge about it being shallow, but that’s because expectations have changed. My expectation here is to be handed a gun and shoot it until I see the level stats and realise I still missed secrets. Like how, I space-barred every single wall dagnabbit. If I missed the secret level … This is great. None of the cutscene continuity, mission marker malarkey, moral choice-making; reasons are for losers – just crack on. I’m gonna go to the library and check out the UseNet and find that secret level.

Aside from all looking vaguely the same colour, Heretic is more than playable. The mouse acts as both aiming and moving, causing our elf to fall off everything, and you can’t reassign keys but that’s hardly the end of the playable world. The levels are imaginative and involving rather than Doom’s grim drudge and while you’re only ever looking for keys for doors for exits, it tries to feel creepy and labyrinth without being annoyingly maze-like; it does feel like villages and castles and they’re interesting to explore rather than just shoot through; it’s more early Elder Scrolls than Doom-like.

I pick up the bow and later the Dragon Claw which is basically the same as the machine gun from Doom. Doom’s bloody fingers are all over Heretic but it’s no reskin, it is its own game. Fighting is as you’d expect – everything rushes at you but the weapons are fun to fire, and the powerups change things up – spell books to overpower your weapons, invisibility and invincibility, the egg spell and wings of wrath that give you flight – you never used it for fear of needing it but still, a nice little powerup. There’s a few standout creatures too; the flying imps are oddly endearing while the hulking Golems make an amusing ‘guh’ noise when you clobber them – of course, they clobber back and then there’s those huge skulls which are great to look at and a nightmare to fight, the alien rip-off things, the axe-throwing knights, and the Weredragon that looks nothing like a dragon, Were or otherwise while the wizardy blokes with their dashing cloaks and sparkly orbs are simply the most fabulous villains of the era. Their echoing chant joins the other creatures’ calls, moans and growls – The Serpent Riders’ lot are not what you’d call stealthy, I’ve never played a game with so many chatterboxes and their prattling helped me find the exit more than once. Alongside the game’s ambient chain rattling, water drops, moans, cackles and creaks it’s one of the noisiest games I’ve played but it has the feeling of a really good ghost story. If it wasn’t so bright it could be quite a menacing game. I will admit, Heretic is a lot lighter than I remember. I might have merged some of Blood’s gothic atheistic with Heretic. Instead, there is a sense of cuteness about Heretic, almost loveable, maybe less like a Ghost story and more like a ghost train at the end of the pier. Still, Heretic is living up to those great memories. Ahh the nineties, if they ever end we’re in trouble.

In every demonstrable way, Heretic has been surpassed and it would be easy to dismiss it once the initial ‘oh I remember that’ wanes, but once you get into the harder levels it’s not mucking about – it’s not samey or tiring, I’m pushing and being pushed in a perfect balance; it does the job of a Doom-clone very well – there are improvements, such as the menu system, looking up and down etc, but it just feels more complex, more detailed – Raven clearly took their time with the mighty Doom Engine and learnt from Doom’s designs, it feels real not random like a lot of shooters from that era (like why did the villains of Rise of the Triad pepper their castle with trampolines and floating coins?)

Since nothing could compare to Doom, The Exorcist of gaming, even the most shameful Doom Clones had to do something to differentiate themselves. Duke had his extreme masochism and jetpack, Shadow Warrior had interaction and Big Trouble in Little China quotes while Blood had its perfection, but Heretic’s ‘thing’ was familiarity; it’s plot and character motivations were the basis for a hundred D&D games and it was great to see that come to life; it took what we loved about Doom and put it in the fantasy setting we always imagined.

If you’d never played a game from that era then Heretic deserves a go over the others which all outstay their welcome on replays (not Blood though). It’s a pure golden-era shooter; fast, tough and fun. For me, it really is the second best of the Doom Clone Clan which is quite an achievement considering the competition; even my beloved Blood is closer to Doom than Heretic is – We should have more medieval fantasy shooters that aren’t reliant on swords or traditional spell casting. I didn’t know I wanted a spell-casting Gatling gun until Heretic gave me one. Heretic is the best retro game I’ve played for ages.

Recently, the game industry has dusted off the golden era and resurrected, remade, remastered and rebooted pretty much the entire family of Doom-clones, playing off our fond memories and brand awareness, ironically calling them classics now after being dismissed as Clones then. There was Doom’s Dad-dance of a reboot, Duke’s been remastered and re-released multiple times as well as his shocking return with DNF. Wolfenstein’s been returned to and rebooted three times while Quake 4 was an in-name-only sequel as was Prey, which started out as a Doom clone in 1996. Shadow Warrior got remastered as well as rebooted into a new budget series, as did Rise of the Triad. But there was no reboot for Heretic; somehow it’s been forgotten or ignored, and I can’t work out if that’s a good thing or not. Having played it and found it still awesome, I like that we only have the unsullied, pure original, but the gamer in me wants at least a remaster so I can stop flinging my hairy elf arm off walls. To not have a modern Heretic is heresy.

Developer; Raven Software | Publisher; id Software / GTi

Platforms; Win

Championship Manager 01/02 – Part 1: The European Dream

TheMorty begins his retro playthrough as Newcastle’s Manager. It’s a hell of a season.

Playing Football Manager 2018 I realised just how much I missed the olden days of Football Management simulators. A simpler time long before complicated contracts, press conferences and boardroom turmoil. Long before agents, transfer windows, Saudi Billionaires and financial fair play. Specifically, I didn’t just miss a simpler time, I missed Championship Manager 01/02. When I noticed that it was now freeware and available to download for nowt, I decided to embark on a season long journey through a childhood classic – but would it be as good as I had so nostalgically remembered?

I have a love-hate relationship with Championship Manager. I love it, because it’s a god-damn near perfect game that encapsulates all of the good bits of managing and supporting a football team. I hate it, because I very nearly failed my GSCEs, A-Levels and Degree because of it. One of the most addictive games on the market, it can last forever. There’s no completion point, no expiry date. Keep going until you get bored. It has you at 12am saying “just one more game” and before you know it the suns coming up, you’ve not slept and you need to leave the house for school/college/uni/work (delete where applicable). It’s repeat play-through value is priceless with a seemingly unlimited amount of clubs and countries to choose from and manage – you can literally play this game forever and have a different experience every single time.

The problem with football games though is their shelf-life. While you can replay the game often with different clubs, the games themselves are seasonal and each year you have a new “upgraded” version on the market, with updated rosters and re-skinned with bells and whistles. Yet, with each bell and every whistle added, you lose a good chunk of the game’s essence. You lose part of the simplicity that made the game great and within a decade it’s unrecognisable from the original. The Championship/Football manager sims are the perfect example of this, as it’s latest iteration is almost too realistic, like you’re actually working for a football club and have the stresses and pressures that come with the job – just without the company Bentley and the £5m a year salary.

2001 – A Geordie Oddysey

As the game loaded, I had a very tough decision to make – who in the hell am I going to select to play as? This isn’t Borderlands where I have 4 protagonists to pick from or Saints Row where I can design my own character – this is a real life Football Management Simulator and I have every team in every league in the world to pick from. I decide to go with my heart and pick my boyhood club. The team I had a season ticket to watch growing up, the team I cheered for week-in, week-out in the whole of the 2001/2002 season, wearing a replica kit with my hero’s name on the back. There couldn’t be a better choice for me and there certainly couldn’t be a bigger challenge – after all, in 2001 – Newcastle were absolutely crap! Nevertheless, I’d picked my team, been given a nice £12m transfer budget and had a whole year ahead of me.

The squad was thin in 2001, Sir Bobby Robson was embarking on his first full season with his beloved club, having staved off relegation the season before. To do so, he wasn’t given a sizable war-chest. Far from it. Sir Bobby only had a budget for two middle-of the road players. He opted to strengthen up top and out wide, bringing in volatile, Welsh gobshite Craig Bellamy to Leazes in a £6.5m deal and some French flair in a man many were touting as the next David Ginola, Laurent Robert for £9.5m from Paris Saint Germain. With the coffers almost bare, Sir Bob managed to bring in a cheap loan deal of a young, pacey centre-back in the form of Sylvain Distin, again crossing the channel from PSG.

The new faces added to a team that had stared down into the abyss in the not too distant past. International-class players like Robert Lee, Gary Speed and Warren Barton were deep into their 30s. Alan Shearer was coming back from a career threatening knee injury and the centre back pairing of Nikos Dabizas and Marcelino would almost certainly struggle in a league featuring some of the best forward talent in the world. So the squad I was inheriting was neither flush with talent nor exuberant with youth. It was clear that I had to conduct my business quickly and decisively if I was to stand any chance of delivering silverware to a club that had gone without for far too long.

One of the most amazing things about CM 01/02 is that takes place before the current transfer system came into effect. So you weren’t restricted to only buying players in 2 windows per season. In FM 2018 and in later CM titles, there are so many restrictions. Squads are limited to 25 players with a “homegrown” restriction meaning 8 of those players must have been trained in England. The transfer window means you need to get all of that business concluded between July-Sept – with an additional winter window opening and closing in January. However, with this game, I could sign and sell players whenever I needed, have up to 50 of them in my squad and they could be trained wherever the hell they liked. This feature meant I could be a more reactive manager if I needed, providing I didn’t blow my budget early, I could keep a little away in a rainy day jar so that I could sign cover for injuries and suspensions later in the season.

Pre-Season – The European Journey

The club expected European football next season, but I had a chance to deliver this early. Some of you may be too young to remember the Intertoto Cup, as it was abolished in 2009. For those that remember it fondly, it was a cup developed by Swedish visionary Eric Persson – a man for whom football coursed through his veins. He came up with the idea as a “cup for the cupless” a way of giving hope to teams that may not qualify for European tournaments through conventional means (I.e. winning leagues and trophies). In 2001, Newcastle and Aston Villa both applied to take part in the Intertoto Cup as they bid to be one of three victorious teams from a number of parallel knockout games entering the 2001/2002 UEFA Cup.

It would be this cup where my season long journey as Newcastle United manager would begin. Starting a two-legged tie at home against Swiss minnows Yverdon-Sport FC. It came too soon to sign any players, so I had to pick a side from the squad at my disposal. The defence pretty much picked itself, so I opted for the famous 4-1-3-2 formation…

4-1-3-2 is cult. It’s almost synonymous with this version of Championship Manager. It had everything. Numbers in defence, three attacking midfielders, two strikers and full-backs that bomb forward. If you have the right personnel, it’s extremely effective. However, the wrong players in this formation and the game becomes a suicide mission. Either way, I figured I may as well start as I meant to go on.

Squad vs Yrvden (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Barton, Elliott, Dabizas, Distin, Bassedas, Gavilan, McClen, Lee ©, Bellamy, Robert.

Subs: Harper, Ameobi (on 65), Lua-Lua (on 65), Hughes, Quinn (on 86), Marcelino, O’Brien

The game started well, Newcastle controlled the possession as you’d expect and Laurent Robert very nearly opened his account for the club crashing a shot off the underside of the bar in the 32nd minute. At half time, it was still 0-0, but we’d been on top. I saw no reason to panic and started the second half exactly the way I’d ended the first – attacking. GOAL: McClen (47’) Almost straight after the restart Jamie McClen pops up with a beauty. Bellamy with the knock-down into the box, McClen with the finish from close range. We’re cruising in this game, so I drop the pace. Changing the tactics to normal from attacking and put men behind the ball. Quinn comes on at left-back for Robbie Elliot whose playing a 6-rated game and Lua-Lua comes on up top for Bellamy. On the 85th minute, something bizarre happens. Sesa puts in a naughty tackle on Dabizas and our gallant Greek retaliates by sticking the nut on his opposite number. The red mist results in a red card for both men and we’re playing the final 5′ a man down on each side of the pitch. Thankfully, the final whistle goes and TheMorty starts his tenure as Toon Gaffer with a win!

Champ Man sticks to the basics, there’s no post-match press conferences, no awkward conversations I need to have. Just two main options when dealing with a sent-off player; appeal the dismissal with UEFA or take disciplinary action against the individual. No chance I’d ever discipline one of my boys for giving his opposing striker a Glasgow kiss, nor would I have a hope in hell of getting that rescinded, so I opt for a third choice – do sweet FA.

With the return leg in Switzerland just 4 days away, I try my best to strengthen in the short space of time I have. Carl Cort and Club Captain Alan Shearer are still a week away from fitness, so my first foray into the transfer market has to be for a striker and there’s only one name on my shortlist… Tó Madeira.

Now, Championship Manager and the proceeding Football Manager titles pride themselves on their scouting database. In later years, the same scouting network has provided information to professional football clubs and media outlets about upcoming talents and player attributes. But, no game is without Easter Egg or safe from rogue developer or scout. See, Tó Madeira doesn’t exist. He’s pure fiction. As legend has it, one of the scouts went on a scouting trip to Madeira, the little group of Portuguese Islands, and presumably for a laugh submitted “To Madeira” as one of his scouted players. As to not to arouse suspicion, the scout added a little acute to the “o” – that’ll get past ’em! By the second patch of the game, the developers had figured this out – mainly because his stats were so insanely brilliant you couldn’t help but notice him. They killed him off from that release but fortunately, for both Newcastle United and myself, I was playing the day dot version so off I headed to Clube Desportivo de Gouveia and submitted a paltry £9,000 bid. Within 24hours, Tó was a Newcastle United footballer and his legend would begin.

The return leg to Yverdon was the perfect place to give the big man his debut, and with a 1-0 aggregate lead, I decided to keep the formation and tactcis the same, maybe with a slight change in personnel in the midfield area to reflect Acuna and Solano returning from international duty. In the absence of suspended hot-head Nikos Dabizas, I was forced to field a makeshift CB pairing of Warren ‘centre parting’ Barton and Sylvain Distin. After a good week of training, Newcastle were buoyed to have Club Captain Alan Shearer back from injury and ready to make his first start under the new gaffer.

Squad vs Yrvden (Away)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Gavilan, Elliott, Distin, Barton, Solano, Acuna, Dyer, Shearer ©, Madeira, Robert.

Subs: Harper, Cort, Ameobi (on 86), Robert (on 76), Bellamy, Griffin (on 76), O’Brien

It was another 1-0 win for the Toon Army, making it 2-0 on aggregate to the mighty mags and it was a debut to remember for our friend Tó Madeira, netting the only goal of the game on the 43rd minute to send us through to round two of the cup. Making it 2-in-2 for the gaffer as he kept his 100% record intact.

The next round of the cup would see us drawn against FK Pribram. A mid-table team from the Czech national league. They didn’t have any real talent to speak of, but Josef Csaplár’s men had finished 4th the season previous, so might pose a sizable threat against a tired Toon side playing their 3rd game in 8 days.

Squad vs FK Pribram (Home)

Formation: 4-1-3-2

Starting 11: Given, Gavilan, Elliott, Distin, Dabizas, Lee, Acuna, Dyer, Shearer ©, Madeira, Bassedas.

Subs: Harper, Cort (on 21), Solano (on 60), Robert (on 60), Bellamy, Griffin, O’Brien

Well… this didn’t go to plan. 21 minutes in and former England captain Shearer is crocked. He’s picked up an ankle knock and needs to leave the field. Carl Cort takes his place but before he even gets chance to get going, disaster strikes. Robbie Elliot is given a straight red for his two-footed lunge on their nippy right winger. Half time comes and we’re a man down. I’m forced to react so I push Dyer to fullback, making it a 4-3-2. 9 minutes after the restart and we’re 0-1 down. Czech Republic striker Marek Kulič slotting home after capitalizing on a Dabizas defensive error – lets just say Nikos is not exactly endearing himself to his new boss. I’m forced to react quickly again, bringing on Solano and Robert and switching to a wide formation to exploit the wings, but it’s too late. The damage is done and with the man advantage, Csaplár shuts up shop, handing me my first defeat in virtual football management.

We had 3 days until the rematch and there’d been a double breakthrough in the transfer department. The most notable being Swedish U21 starlet Kim Källström who had arrived from Gothenburg-based BK Häcken for £1.2m. The Nordic Market on CM 01/02 was always a favourite, the whole of Scandinavia was ripe with talent and you could pick up a bargain in the low millions that could do a relatively good short term job whilst, with the right training, would go on to be a leading Premier League star. The goalkeeping issue still needed to be addressed and my scouts had found me a great keeper in the form of Hugo Pinheiro, joining for £20,000 from Marinhese. One for the future this lad and one I can give a run-out to in the cups, but with a game of some magnitude approaching, the 19 year-old custodian would have to bide his time before making his debut.

Squad vs FK Pribram (Away)

Formation: 4-1-2-2-1

Starting 11: Given ©, Gavilan, Barton, Distin, Dabizas, Lee, Speed, Dyer, Solano, Madeira, Robert.

Subs: Harper, Kallstrom (on 74), Acuna, Cort (on 85), Bellamy (on 85), Griffin, O’Brien

We’re out of the cup lads. The European dream ends before it really begins. It all started so brightly when Madeira popped up at the back post with a bullet header on 32 minutes but just on the stroke of half time, it was that man again Marek Kulič who proved a thorn in our side and dashed our hopes, finishing a 1-on-1 low past Shay Given. There were some positives, it was 2 goals in 3 games for Madeira and Kallstrom had a very good debut, but Robbie Elliott’s indiscipline had cost us over the two legs.

It was at this point I knew the squad needed an overhaul, out with the old timers and in with the new blood. Robbie Elliott would be the first to make way, he’d cost me and I wasn’t the forgiving type. Nikos Dabizas had to go too. He’d proved a handful and a liability in my short time in charge. So I decide to focus firmly on defenders. A left back for Elliott, a centre-back and a right-back to replace 35 year old Warren Barton would be my first priority.

With a budget of £10.5m remaining, I looked into the free agent pool, see if there were any quality players unattached. Knocking around were a couple of quality internationals. First Up Josep Guardiola. A world-class DM recently released by Barcelona. I offered a contract but even breaking my wage barrier by offering him £50k-a-week wasn’t enough to tempt him to Toon. Instead he moved to Germany. Okay… so who else is knocking around? I filter by full-backs and spot one, a left-footed, crazy haired Nigerian by the name of Taribo West. Just released by AC Milan and can play both left and centre back. My Ideal replacement for Elliott. I offer him the contract, he accepts and we await the results of a work permit. I also spotted a young Portuguese lad named Joao Paiva with a very high finishing rating. He’s free, so I figure why not take a chance on him for my reserve team. Right back is going to be a bit more difficult. Instead of the experience of Barton, I opt for youth and taking a punt on young, pacey right-back Mike Duff from Cheltenham Town. I manage to pick him up for a bargain of £240k. My long-term Dabizas replacement comes in the form of Ibrahim Said, an Egyptian-born, versatile defender from Al Ahly. After having two sub-million pound bids rejected, I have to pay double the asking price and get him for a cool £1.7m. I transfer listed Spanish reserve defender Marcelino and offered him out at asking price. Malaga offer just over that at £3.6m and I bite their hands off. West’s work permit should be a formality with the number of international caps he has, so that means I have significantly upgraded ¾ of my defence for a collective £1.95m with a net defensive profit of £1.65m. That will do nicely!

With my squad starting to come together, I look at the next game and my managerial debut in the Premier League. It was the real start of my season-long journey. Could I end Newcastle’s trophy drought? Would I be in for a relegation fight? OR would I even keep my job? I embarked on a season where absolutely anything could happen…

To find out – check out Part 2 of the journey.

October 2001 | Developer Sports Interactive | Publisher Eidos Interactive

platforms Wins, Xbox

genres; Sports, Simulator, Text-based.

TheMorty | March 2018

Stranglehold

a second wind review

FBT goes Woo for Fat in the sequel to Hard Boiled. Cue the doves and slo-mo.

Ever since ET almost destroyed the game industry trying to phone home, games based on movies have been generally lame. For every decent ‘based on’ like Mad Max or The Warriors you get something like 007 Legends; Tie-Ins are always without question, shit. And then there’s the game-sequels. Alien Isolation might have made a good go of it, but then Colonial Marines ruined it, as did Robocop (2003), Ghostbusters the Video Game, even Wreck-It-Ralph; a sequel based on a movie based on video games? The game sequel genre isn’t littered with greats. But this is Stranglehold, exec’ed by John Woo, who’s atheistic shooters have attempted to emulate since Max Payne. We’re ‘Tequila’ Yuen, a cop who, in slow-motion, burst onto our screens dual-wielding his way through Hard Boiled. It’s got slow-motion doves in it. That’s a movie I can play.

The setting, Hong Kong. The case, a missing policeman. The Captain’s orders, send a team. The Tequila, goes alone. After surviving the trap, Tequila get sucked into a Triad war while dealing with police corruption and a personal reason to go rogue.

Stranglehold does call to mind Max Payne. They’re similar cops with the same outside the law reasoning that justifies killing endless hoods along with bullet-time and shot-dodge mechanisms. But while Max Payne was inspired by John Woo, this is John Woo. Literally, he’s in it, reprising the bartender in Hard Boiled. But Stranglehold soon surpasses Max Payne for cinema references. There’s so many it’s hard to keep track; vendetta-driven cowboy cop trapped by an offer he can’t refuse, involved with a bad girl from the wrong side of the tracks that’s connected to the larger plot and used as leverage? Check. Double-crossing panto villain with a revenge-connection to Tequila who has an infinite source of bag-men and wants Tequila DEAD, check. A surprise betrayal followed by regret before they die, contemptuously dropping guns when they run out of ammo, ignoring orders from an Alka-Seltzer guzzling shouty captain? Check. Awesome cool? Check.

Once Tequila’s on the case, our 3rd person view does everything it can to make us believe John Woo is going to yell ‘cut’ at some stage. You name it, we can cinematically interact with it – surf down bannisters and on trolleys, leap over boxes, slide across counters, shoot things to create runaways or creative ways to take out hoods, crash through practically anything and destroy the rest. The problem is, if something can be Tequila’ed, it shimmers or glints and there’s so much of it you’re distracted by the epileptic fit it all triggers. The art design is really detailed but it’s covered in white lines demanding you leap, slide, roll or jump on them or repeatedly flashing shoot me. There’s nothing like shooting a neon sign and watching it swing around and take out a bunch of baddies, but you end up looking everywhere at once, wondering what’ll happen if you shoot this or activate that and is it really going to help if I – by the time you’ve decided to run up a wall or just shoot the guy, you’ve been riddled with bullets. It becomes one big overwhelming novelty like an arcade rail shooter; leaping and sliding along firing is great unless it happens to take you in the opposite direction or you slide along a counter into the face of a crouching mobster and you’re stuck with your legs in the air getting pummelled. You have to trigger Tequila to get on and then to get off again but he’ll only do it if there’s room for a cinematic roll or leap so you wind up yelling at Tequila like a parent in a park; ‘get down from there!’ The villains are top notch hard work, fast and unforgiving; but they must be wondering why you’re pirouetting on a lamppost instead of returning fire.

Of course, Tequila has more than enough ways to return his own fire; while he only carries two at a time, there’s pistols, uzis, machine guns, heavy machine-guns, grenades, rocket-launchers lying about everywhere and the smaller weapons he can dual-wield naturally. Once a weapon is spent he’ll drop it and auto-pick up anything nearby which more than once saw me smugly switch to the heavy machine gun only to see him pull out a puny sidearm, having not noticed the switch during the mayhem.

As he progresses, Tequila unlocks more opportunities to give it the ol’ razzle-dazzle; Tequila-Time is standard Bullet-time but the real killers are the Tequila Bombs; Precision is bullet-time from the point of view of the bullet, while Barrage just lets Tequila have a bullet-fuelled tantrum and Spin lets him twirl and fire while doves fly. Then there’s Stand-Off; when Tequila gets surrounded there’s a moment where they all eye each other and grip triggers, then the bullets start flying. You can shift Tequila from side to side to avoid bullets and return fire – it’s all charged by the destructive antics Tequila gets up to, so the more you break, slide and generally make like an action star the better.

So, we’re Chow Yun-fat in a John Woo film, how is that not the coolest thing ever? Because although you’re leaping in slow-mo through flying debris with a gun in each hand, you’re also in a constant state of frown, trying to see through the wreckage, distracted by the highlights, working out if the flashing thing will help; it takes you out of the moment by giving you pre-set moments and never lets up, it gets exhausting; meanwhile, Tequila insists on new things to be cinematic about; at one stage he’s swinging from chandeliers. It’s to frenetic and busy, the infamous 2min 42seconds from Hard Boiled extended into some seven hours game play. Once you take a breath you realise Stranglehold is a very thin shooter, trading style over substance; Stranglehold is a new example of why movies don’t work as games; if, on the big screen I saw Chow Yun-fat take out a posse in slo-mo while swinging from a chandelier, I’d go ‘cool, wish I could do that’ but when I do it I end up looking like a four-year-old on a swing with no one to push him. It’s too staged, I feel like Chow’s stuntman. It doesn’t feel natural the way parkouring about in Assassin’s Creed does; games are supposed to let me live vicariously but Stranglehold just reinforces why I’m not an action star popping up for five minutes in the latest Expendables movie.

As if the sheer amount of destruction and QT moments weren’t enough to prove how incredible the Unreal engine is, the work done to make Tequila look like Chow Yun-Fat is brilliant, in both the cut scenes and the action, and he’s voiced by the man himself. The locations are great looking too; an island that’s been turned into a drug factory, dirty back-streets of HK, a museum (bye-bye antiquities), and a restaurant with panicked extras running between the bullets; this is a very faithful game that tries hard to put you in Tequila’s shoes, but I’m the wrong shoe-size. It’s so busy being Hard Boiled it forgets to be a game; Max Payne knew when to pull back, to be cinema when it counted and game when it needed to be. Stranglehold makes you realise movies and games are mutually exclusive. An hour with Tequila is great fun but any longer and it gives you a hangover.

2007 | Developer Midway | Publisher Midway Games

platforms; Win | PS3 | X360

Half-Life 2

FBT half-returns to half-life with a half-baked conspiracy theory and gets so annoyed he has a psychotic episode or two. But not three.

The Past

If I’m honest, I always had a nagging doubt that HL2 was the Avatar of gaming. Greeted orgasmicly by critics -Maximum PC gave it ‘11 out of 10’- us gamers were whipped into a rabid fury; we auto-loved it and it was gamer-suicide to say otherwise. Even now, nearly 15 years later HL2 is the God of gaming. But was it really all that?

Part of the appeal was Valve and its emperor, Gabe Newell. He put himself about as a geek like us, claiming Valve is a loose collective of developers; it wasn’t some evil mega-corp like EA or Ubisoft, it was by gamers for gamers. Never mind Valve insisted we install Steam, a more intrusive and invasive DRM platform than anything previously to play HL2; they’re geeks like us. Meanwhile we screamed the place down any time a competitor tried a similar platform. GFWL? Spam! Origin? Malware! Uplay? Ransomware! GOG-Galaxy? … okay, they’re cool. You either accepted Steam or didn’t play HL2. It was emotional blackmail but such was our desperation we sucked it up and Steam has been on our machines ever since.

I was caught up too. Overwhelmed, I contemplated a Crowbar tattoo. But after a few replays, HL2 started to feel contrived. At the time it wasn’t the insidious Steam install that made me suspect Valve’s intentions; HL2 felt like a demo for the Source engine, like playing through a showroom. It was a façade and like the emperor’s new clothes, HL2 hasn’t got anything on.

You just don’t dislike Half-Life 2 though. I kept my doubts quiet and ensured no one suspected me by constantly replaying it, buying the Episodes and looking forward to HL3 like all the other sheeple. Then, the magic bullet; the more successful Steam got, the less HL3 was mentioned, until Valve stopped acknowledging Half-Life at all. It had served its purpose. But Gamers aren’t stupid – and they’re not forgiving either; one wrong sidekick and you’re into Daikatana territory. HL2 must be doing something right. It is more than just hot air?

Still a Blast?

While Xen’s invasion was contained to Black Mesa, the world is now under the control of interplanetary strip-miners the Combine. Turns out Nihilanth, the big baby baddie from HL1 was holding open the portal so the Xen lot could escape them. Instead, killing it drew their attention and the Combine rocked up and took over. Thanks, Gordon.

The world does have a grim Orwellian feel to it, with masked cops, screens displaying reassuring messages from earth’s ‘administrator’ (Breen, our unseen boss from HL1), processing areas and propaganda on the walls. This is an occupation, an oppressive hellhole that brings to mind real-world ‘internment’ camps; or at least a glimpse of post-Brexit Passport lines. I’m taken away by a guard – who offers to buy me a beer. Barney! You look a lot more detailed. Although the graphics are over a decade old, HL2 holds up insanely well, although that might be the constant updates and refreshes Source goes through. Can’t complain about that. It’s detailed, rich and real. I like HL2 so far. A solid looking game set in a compelling, tyrannical world. Time to Free it, man. I don’t last long. Trying to quietly pass through a depressed town, I seem to have become Harry Styles; we constantly hear ‘It’s Freeman!’ – that’s not helping. I get tasered, then I come around and fall in love.

Alyx Vance, daughter of a scientist we saved, has returned the favour. Alyx is both in awe of Freeman and way cooler than him. To be fair to HL2, Alex did change sidekicks and female characters in games. She’s not wearing an armoured bikini for starters and isn’t a Vasquez-clone either. She’s just a capable character and half the time we’re her sidekick. Having grown up during the occupation she’s excited to have found the man everyone expects to save the day. Freeman however, doesn’t even say thanks.

In the original, it made sense to have a silent hero; not a lot to talk about, or talk to other than the headcrabs, but HL1 did occasionally imply he spoke or at least gestured; NCPs would respond with ‘yes lets go’. But in HL2 it seems odd Freeman isn’t talking; it’s cleverly done, people chat in a way that his silence can be taken as an answer but why doesn’t he tell them where he’s been, about the G-Man? Instead, characterisation is filled in by the support cast. Besides Alyx and Barney, who has a nice line in cynical backchat, there’s absent-minded professor Kiener, who keeps Lamar, a ‘debeaked’ headcrab as a pet (“she’ll try to copulate with your head, fruitlessly”), Alyx’s dad Eli and Dr Mossman, who Alyx dislikes so we do too. They’re kind of a rebellion Gordon joins – well, he never agrees to it. But first, I’ll need a HEV suit. Wait a second, am I naked? Why did G-Man strip Gordon before placing him in status? That explains why Alyx keeps making small talk and glancing down.

Now suited up and set free, I’m off to reach Eli and help take down the Combine using a mix of shooter and adventure experiences. We make our way through decrepit buildings and sewers which give way to a barren countryside and receding seas, all of it layered with Combine machinery and industry as they tear apart earth for resources. It all looks very real. Between us and Eli are dozens of Headcrabs, now a Combine bio-weapon. There’s a more skittish version that grows into the Xenomorph-like Fast-Zombie, or as Alyx might say, a Fambie. Those spindly things go. Spotting them leaping across buildings headed for you is exhilarating stuff. Then there’s their poisonous siblings – the rattle-hiss signifying one’s about is so terrifying; a bite reduces your health to 1, which is a brilliant/evil trick. We also meet poor, horrible, groaning victims who are covered in them. Those things really get under my skin with their pitiful, pained calls as they’re eaten alive and I waste valuable grenades making sure they’re out of their misery as soon as possible.

The Combine are out in force looking for Freeman – they are scripted and samey but as far as human-type villains go, they do the job. They also have machinery-infused creatures, including a gunship that can shoot your missiles out of the sky – being tactical with an RPG is a nice touch – and Striders, War of the Worlds Tripods. We also deal with ‘Antlions’, the bugs from Starship Troopers which are swarming pains. So HL2 looks good and fights well; what was I bitching about? After we escape the slums, Freeman gets an airboat to cut across country. This is what I was bitching about.

The boat sequence is all fine and dandy, but it fast becomes filler. It goes on for ages, and we only have Source’s rendering for company. It just feels like it’s showing off, demonstrating different abilities; I have to dive into a pond and place a load of floating barrels to make a ramp so I can jump a wall. It’s just a Source buoyancy showcase. Later I have to swing a girder to knock open a floodgate. During the similar go-kart level, I stop to use a magnet crane to move the kart. It works, but it just feels like I’m playing a demo. And it’s incredibly linear, so those moments feel like I’m at some tech-convention moving between booths; pause to get harassed by magnetic beach-balls that don’t do anything, try to balance cinder-blocks to reach higher levels, look at this magnifying glass; the puzzles, the physics, the locations – those are key to any game but in HL2 it just somehow feels like we’re pausing for a word from our sponsors.

There are standouts to be sure –Ravenholm is still a creepy, horrible, brilliant place while Nova Prospekt, the prison we try to recover Eli from and a suspension bridge we need to clear are great set-pieces, as is the final push to the Citadel, guarded by the huge Striders. There are more subtle elements worth applauding too; Alyx, who is a work of art in every way possible isn’t the only notable character; Ravenholm’s last (human) resident, Father Gregori is an insane change from the usual support acts and his presumed fate is horrible and brings home what’s happening to earth. We get to turn the Antlions into manic soldiers we can order about too, they’re great fun and like Gregori, should have been around for a lot longer. The lolloping Vortigaunts are our pals now, having been oppressed by the giant baby it turns out, while the Human resistance is very believable. But the real stand-out is D0g.

D0g is a great side-kick’s side-kick. Scripted to be adorable and heroic, it’s a huge Gorilla-like mech bodyguard for Alyx and even better than I remembered. The scene where we get the gravity gun and ‘play’ with D0g is the best hidden tutorial of all time. His scripted sequences, leaping onto Combine vehicles and knocking the shit out of the troops are great, but it’s his undying love for Alyx and somehow emotive face that stays with you. Good boy.

But as always, every time HL2 convinces me it’s all that, I see through the lies. For every drainpipe ominously rattling in Ravenholm there’s a moment that feels forced. The gravity gun; critics wet themselves over it, like it was gamer sliced bread. It’s shit. I barely used it first time and this time I’m determined to unlock its secrets. Still shit. The amount of times I try to attract a Buzzsaw blade to eviscerate a zombie only to grab a coffee mug instead. It’s great, if you’re looking to showcase your physics engine; lots of smugly-clever physics puzzles pop up once you get it. Man, Source is cool yeah?

Eventually, we’re inside the Citadel gunning for Breen. Except we had all our guns taken off us. But the G-Gun can now grab and fling Combine soldiers about like ragdolls – all right I get it, Source can ace physics. And to ensure we don’t Skip the Ad, the Citadel vaporises the Combines weapons too. What happens if a soldier puts theirs down? It’s just too convenient. When we finally reach Breen, we stop him escaping by … playing Pong. What the hell is this? This is heroic, flinging balls at a tower? I miss the giant floating baby of HL1. But it’s not over, Freeman’s about to have an episode or two.

Episode One picks up as the Citadel explodes – and it’s about to explode more. So Freeman caused an invasion that decimated humankind and then triggered a blast large enough to finish the rest? Why is this guy our hero?

Hang on, the Combine’s guns are still dissolving, why doesn’t Alyx’s gun? While escaping the Citadel and the G-Gun shenanigans, Alyx uncovers a message about Combine reinforcements leading them into a running firefight with Combine as well as a Ravenholm-style sequence with Zombies, Xen critters and Antlions as we try to escape the city. Ep1 is a quick and clean race once we’re out of the Citadel and a nice little set up Episode Two, where we rejoin Alyx and Freeman freed of the city and lost the countryside. And it does look beautiful. But then Alyx is maimed by new villain, the imaginatively titled ‘hunter’. It’s basically an evil D0g. Thankfully a Vortigaunt is on hand to react more emotionally than Freeman does. We’re then sent into an Antlion nest to evade a marauding Antlion solider until we can reach their ambrosia, which the Vortigaunts need to resuscitate Alyx. It is a beautiful underground labyrinth and a refreshing change in both look and play-style, playing hide and seek with the solider, but it’s followed by a wave battle against now pissed off Antlion drones that feels really dated (there was a similar one at the end of E1). Never fear though, G-Man appears to imply some greater galaxy-wide conspiracy without explaining anything. It’s like one of those middle-management meetings where you realise nothing’s getting done and everyone’s just saying stuff to justify the meeting.

After using the gravity gun to rebalance a swaying bridge (‘Sponsored by Source, for all your gaming needs’) we’re in what looks like the car from Driver. Alyx and I go on a lovely tour of Source’s environmental rendering and blunder into Combine traps before a fantastic scripted moment when D0g puts in a surprise appearance just as we’re about to get stomped on. Finally we reach Eli and the resistance and it all gets really annoying. Hot on our heels are the Hunters and they brought their dads; Striders. Now this should be exhilarating but … it’s an irritating chore.

In order to take down the Striders we have to use a ‘Magnusson Device’ which requires you to drive to Device points, get out, grab it with the G-Gun, load it in the boot, drive to the Strider, get out, pick it up with the G-Gun, fire, swap to weapon, hit and explode the Strider. Now, repeat. If you miss or a Hunter hits the device you start again, while keeping up with the Striders before they reach the base. It’s not a race against time it’s a race against the save button, incrementally improving your odds as you watch in awe at all the physics going on. And why has Alex decided to stay behind? Now she chooses to catch up with Dad?

So we discover Episode 3 (slated for a December 2007 release date, can’t wait!) is going to take place in the Artic, but a Combine Advisor (another steal from Starship Troopers) rocks up and leaves us on a heart-breaking cliff-hanger. I may have been largely unimpressed with the game, but I loved the characters and that is affecting. I want to see it through. I want Episode Three. Goddamn Valve. Good guys my ass.

I’m conflicted. HL2 does have some genuinely great moments. D0g, the headcrab victims, the decaying world and misery of those surviving in it but Freeman’s silent act dates it and it all feels at arms-length because he’s not involved. I feel like an observer and it’s frustrating, because it’s a believable world you want to save from the Combine. It’s like having Star Wars toys you don’t take out of the packaging. Alyx is a quantum leap in companions; she’s not a follower – we’re a team. And she’s such a fangirl. Anything remotely heroic triggers a coo’ing comment and you often catch her glancing at you, smiling. But why? Who is Freeman really? He’s not much of a hero in HL2 – In HL1 he was a regular guy but why did G-Man defrost Freeman for this? He doesn’t do anything in HL2 that required a theoretical scientist and he has no personal part to play. G-Man should have unleashed Shepard. Plus there’s the confusion between HL1 and 2, the neatness of it all, that feeling that HL2 just kinda sails along. Nothing actually happens, nothing is resolved, the Combine aren’t exposed and we don’t get anywhere. It’s a really vague game that at best is setting up for a finale we didn’t get. Arguably it doesn’t even really get going until the end of Episode 2, where we prepare to take the fight to the Combine. Let’s do this! Oh.

I’m not conflicted. HL2 is style over substance and all about Source. It’s as epic as it is empty and it doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. But I’m still desperate to know how it ends and it’s insanely frustrating that Valve couldn’t see their way to ending it. It’s a huge betrayal of the fans that made Valve what it is. HL2 certainly made enough money to justify HL3 or at least Ep3 (or both, given Gabe occasionally claims the Episodes are HL3; he just wants shot of it). Come on Gabe -the G-Man- give us back our Freeman. Just one more moment with Alyx.

But it won’t happen. The lack of Ep3/HL3 despite HL2’s success proves Valve just didn’t care – if ever. It might have been all about Source, but in the end it’s all about Steam. I’ll never get over the way Steam was forced on us but now I live on it, and until I and the millions of other gamers log off, until we stop Steam accounting for 75% of all digital gaming, Valve will have no reason to resurrect Freeman. But we won’t. I can begrudgingly live without Freeman but I can’t live without Steam. It keeps prices low(ish), there’s support and links and forums; it’s a gamer community. I have over 250 games knocking about in there; I don’t have that kind of shelf space. The best thing about Half-Life 2 was Steam.

Half-Life 2 – 2004 | Episode One – 2006 | Episode Two – 2007

Developer/Publisher Valve Corporation
Win/Steam, PS3, X360

Singularity

FBT plays Raven’s time-bending Singularity.

And wishes he could bend it all the way back to their Heretic days.

Raven Software; always the bridesmaid never the bride. Old neighbours of id during their glory days, their first major game was Shadowcaster, an early FPS-RPG mash-up made possible by Carmack’s engine genius. They followed that up with Heretic, the classic fantasy Doom-clone produced by Romero. Raven then licenced the gun-nut magazine Soldier of Fortune to create a shooter so extreme it seemed a parody of the mag’s readers, and licensing became the company’s focus; Star Wars, Star Trek, X-Men, Wolfenstein and Quake games followed. So this, Singularity represents Raven’s first truly solo effort since … well, ever really. Are the training wheels off?

On a remote island, a long abandoned Soviet facility mysteriously kicks back into life, emitting strange pulses. US Marines, including our man Renko, decide to fly in and check it out, and a pulse brings us down. Making his way through the desolate island, Renko discovers a testing facility where, blundering into a strange displacement, he’s transported to 1955 where the island is in the midst of a catastrophic disaster. Fighting through the facility Renko saves a man, Nikolai from dying. Transported back again, Renko finds Nikolai now rules the world. Talk about your butterfly effect. A resistance group (what would shooters do without resistance groups?) tells Renko the island was a testing ground for time displacement, and this is all his fault – he must fight through both the past and present and stop Nikolai.

Trying to stop Renko however, is Nikolai’s troops and the tortured former inhabitants of the testing facility (both human and animal, plus pissed-off plants). Renko only has the usual two-weapon load-out and occasional weapon upgrade to even the odds – so far, so FPS. The twist in Singularity is the Time Manipulation Device or TMD Renko gets his hands on. A wrist-mounted time-gun, the TDM lets Renko age or de-age anything organic or materials infused with ‘element 99’, a compound painted on everything – Who was so careless with this stuff? It’s awesome rebuilding or aging things to navigate and turning soldiers into dust. It can also repel or move objects Renko can’t. Meanwhile, more displacements allow Renko to switch between times and see the impact of events as he progresses. However, it’s not the TDM that gives us deva-vu. We’ve been here before.

Singularity constantly calls to mind other, more original games – Fallout 3’s futuristic-retro look is throughout, while the facility comes across like a Vault, with the new residents led to believe the tests were for their benefit. It’s so Vault-like I keep expecting to find a bobblehead. There’s some heavy Bioshock vibes going on, as the TMD takes on a Plasmid-like quality thanks to various upgrades, ghosts and everything is tied into Renko in a Jack-like ‘it was always you’ plot, and then there’s Half-Life 2; not just in the look, but there’s a sub-Alyx companion and the TMD has some gravity gun-style options. And then there’s the shooting; Singularity is one half CoD, one half a zombie survival game; so CoD Zombies then. It’s not derivative, there’s just this ‘played it’ sheen and that’s largely because of the break-out star, the TMD; you don’t need a time machine to see this gadget is hobbled right from the start.

Conceptually, the TMD is brilliant, using time as a weapon but that just doesn’t happen and it’s aggravating; only being able to use it where there’s E99 means you never cut lose; I have a time machine on my wrist and I can’t muck about with it? Most shooters corral you into a linear experience or give you a locked down arena to work your way through, but with Singularity that feels a lot more obvious because of the TMD’s limitations. You can’t give me something as awesome as time to play with then not let me do anything with it. If it had been like Red Faction where practically everything can be broken, giving the TMD control of the environment would have opened it up into something special; all manner of approaches, opportunities and silliness. If Portal’s mind-bending physics can allow you to go anywhere yet still be trapped, the TMD could have done more. The whole island should be open and ready for you to muck about with but the puzzles, battle opportunities, and environment are strictly controlled and far too convenient – If Renko could switch at will it would have been a real mind-twister; overwhelmed? Go back and even the odds by altering the environment; jump back and leave a weapon in the past to recover in the future and give yourself an edge – there’s carnivorous plants for example, how cool would it be to notice a sapling near some soldiers; go back and age it and return to see it going Audrey on them. Basically, a shooter version of the Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure ending. Whoa.

The irony of time-travelling Singularity is it’s already happened – in other games. And a finale where Renko suddenly has a choice feels tacked on (now he can alter things?) – and none of the options work out well for him despite the fact that up until the ending, he wasn’t a tragic, mysterious or morally dubious character. Just an arm with an unpowered Flux Capacitor strapped to his wrist.

2010 | Developer Raven Software | Publisher Activision
Platform Win | PS3 | X360

Half-Life

A Blast from the Past review

A teary-eyed FBT returns to one of his favourite games. Crowbars at the ready.

The Past

Half-Life re-established my game love after years of samey gaming caused me to turn away from my faith and venture outside. I remember the world of HL1 being perfect; isolated and pressurised, facing creatures that were nightmarish without falling into cheap shlock-horror, you were escaping a disaster not causing one. And it was all wrapped up in a story you could dig into or ignore because there were no cut-scenes, it all just happened around you. I remember it petering out once we reached Xen, and final bosses betrayed HL’s Doom roots but otherwise it was brilliant, and it turned FPS into an adventure, an experience. I’ve not been outside since.

It even had good value Add-Ons, back when they weren’t money-grubbing wastes of time like hour-long b-side distractions, Horse Armour or weapons you instantly outgrew – and they weren’t already built into the game, just waiting for a code to unlock. They were real. The first, Opposing Force with its hero Shephard was almost as good as HL, and Blue Shift, where we played Barney the security guard was a welcome if short return. There was also Half-Life Decay, a co-op for the PSOne; I loved Half-Life so much I bought it and forced a PS-owning pal to play it with me, even though he had no idea what was going on and got shushed every time he asked. It wasn’t great, but it was Half-Life, it was home.

It’s incredible that Half-Life sprung from a nothing company founded by Gabe Newell, an ex-Microsoft employee who cut his developer teeth making Doom Windows-friendly. At the time, shooters were owned by id. But Valve pulled it off; while id kept remaking Doom with better graphics, Valve evolved FPS, set a new (crow)bar for shooters to reach for. In the same way Die Hard and Lethal Weapon made Cobra and Commando pompous and unrealistic, Half-Life blew away the Doom Clones that had squandered what id invented and paved the way for immersive, relatable shooters. We weren’t Doomguy or Duke in HL, we were a science geek, an everyman which led to damaged heroes like Max Payne and complex experiences like FEAR. A new era began with Half-Life; FPS was now an art-form, not a shooting gallery.

Could Valve do no wrong? Yes, yes they could. Just look at Half Life 3. Valve can pretend Half-Life never happened but I’ve been waiting patiently. Until now; it’s been so long I’ve started wondering; is Half-Life really as influential as I’ve always argued? Has it aged into insignificance, maybe even its impact overstated? 2018 is the 20th anniversary of Half-Life, time for a reunion at Black Mesa.

Still a Blast?

I’d forgotten how long the opening scene is. I loved the fact that HL had no cutscenes, but this commute through Black Mesa, the Area51-a-like base our hero, theoretical physicist Gordon Freeman works at is a drag. But at the same time I kinda like it. I’m impatient to get me a crowbar but it sets the scene, lets you realise how big this place is, how isolated I am, what we have to escape once everything goes south.

It doesn’t look too bad either. I originally loaded up Half Life:Source, a rebuild on the HL2 engine but while the water looks a bit better, the edges a bit more refined, it’s a pointless do-over that just makes Black Mesa more Murky Mesa. I reload the original. This is more like it. Weird that I’d prefer the blockier version, but this is the HL I remember, and you can see that under the hood is id’s Quake engine. The irony. This feels classic.

So, after wandering the base and getting told off for being late, I’m off to go trigger the “resonance cascade” that opens portals everywhere and collapses the base; time to get busy with the crowbar. Of course, that’s after I get the infamous HEV suit. Although we never see Freeman in-game, the suit looks like an Orange wetsuit/spacesuit and provides him with shields, and an audio monitoring system that scolds you for taking hits. It’s a nice little logic nod, telling Freeman he’s being injected with morphine after falling off a ledge and losing half-his-life. The music also kicks in when Freeman puts the suit on. Guess it comes with an MP3 player too.

I find two of four scientists that populate the base. There’s only a couple of NCP designs but it’s not distracting and they have nice little personalities and reactions to what’s going on, ranging from terror to over-analysing. One has a nice line in shrieking. They can provide health boosts and open doors and distract the bloody headcrabs. You also encounter Security guards who will shoot alongside you – since there’s no moral choices or XP to be had, Freeman may have on occasion clobbered security guards for their bullets once we’ve reached a spot they can’t follow. Who’s gonna know? One person who might witness my severe survival instinct is the G-Man. You spot him at various times, and he even helps on occasion, but usually he just watches what you’re up then adjusts his tie and walks into a portal. He has an X-Files’ Smoking Man meets Men in Black vibe to him and I’d forgotten how often he pops up, if you spot him.

Anyways, we have more to worry about than distant stalkers; making our way through the crumbling Black Mesa lab is a lot more subtle and ingenious than I remembered. Tasked with reaching the surface and getting help for the hundreds of four scientists trapped inside, Freeman doesn’t spend all his time shooting. Maybe a quarter of HL is exploring and figuring out puzzles. Yet it’s not boring, it doesn’t feel like padding. It feels realistic, like Gordon’s finding his way not just clearing a path with a rocket-launcher. Had it been a Doom-style shoot-a-thon I don’t think HL would have had half the impact; it’s more a disaster-movie struggle to reach the surface and the obstructions don’t feel contrived or deliberate. Of course, this wouldn’t be a shooter without some shootable obstructions.

The Headcrabs, which became something of a mascot for the series, are even more annoying that I remember. Their scratchy cry as they launch at you, hoping to eat your brain and control your body is more of an annoyance than a scare, while the crabbed scientists stumble toward you like classic era zombies – their muffled screams stay with you as their bodies change and alter, turning into something horrible. HL isn’t a horror game though; the soldiers of Xen, later known as Vortigaunts are fast and nasty, but their lolloping run looks like a silent movie star sneaking up on someone – scares isn’t HL’s gig, it’s more about the sheer scale of the event and escaping it. Something can kill you at any moment, but it’s always logical, fair; if Freeman dies, it’s because you weren’t smart enough, didn’t consider that a radioactive spot is favoured by the Bullsquids with their sniper-accurate acid-spitting, or water is where the Barnacles hang out to grab you as you pass by. Later creatures such as the Alien Grunt do feel more Quake-like, but the game’s AI holds up quite well alongside some great scripting to create movie-like moments of them jumping through windows and breaking down doors. It really is a thinking-man’s shooter rather than a reactionary one.

The weapons are also something to think about. While there’s Doom-based pistol, shotgun, machinegun standards, we also get a cross-bow which is as slow as it is incredibly powerful, a revolver and a couple of Black Mesa prototypes to muck about with, as well as some Alien tech and some explosives. While we have a lot of choice, it takes some working out to figure what kills what quickest, and many of them are also used by enemies; Gordon never has the upper hand, there’s no BFG in sight.

As we get closer to the surface, away from the portals, the aliens give way to a Marines unit, sent down to contain the outbreak. And, it turns out, us. They add a more typical shooter element, but they are a refreshing change from the stumbling zombies and galloping Vortigaunts and as the invaders catch up, they and the marines take each other out too and Gordon gets caught in their skirmishes, choosing whether to skirt around or get stuck in. It still all makes sense though (How many times in a shooter do you stop to wonder how the hell an enemy NCP got there or knew you were coming?) Outmatched, the Marines start to pull out, and those stranded get picked off not just by the Xen creatures, but Black Ops who have infiltrated to ensure what happens in Black Mesa stays in Black Mesa. Best get out of Black Mesa then.

Next stop Xen – after passing through Mesa’s dirty little secret; test subjects of Xen creatures, confirming this isn’t our first encounter. Making sure this is our last encounter, something on the other side is holding the portals open and guess who’s the only guy in a HEV suit capable of surviving Xen? I kinda wish I wasn’t. Not out of fear about what I’ll find but wondering if the memory of finding Xen a let-down is still accurate. It kinda is. There’s just something a little more generic about the Xen world and it’s bare look shows the engine’s age and basic rendering. It’s imaginitive but vacant. Most of the same Xen creatures are knocking about, along with new annoyances like trees that spike you, and the infuriating mini-boss Gonarch, a huge headcrab. After all the careful narrative, reducing HL to a Quake-like alien world and boss battles just stumbles HL a little, while the platforming puzzles seem contrived. I’d forgotten all about the final boss, Nihilanth, a weird giant baby and a bullet-sucking annoyance. Although Xen is still a stumble, its fun and G-Man’s final scene is straight out of The Outer Limits. I’m proud to have saved the world. Geeks rule!

Half-Life is still one of the best shooters of all time – even more so those days, given how samey and CoD-clone FPS has got. I’d also not appreciated just how ‘normal’ Freeman was. He’s late at the beginning, implying he’s just a regular joe, dragging his heels to work. He’s dismissed by most of the scientists and given grunt work. In fact, he seems pallier with the security guards than his peers. But as he progresses, Gordon becomes respected and admired by the scientists. He did nothing sciencey to deserve their adulation, but still, it’s nice that Gordon gains their respect by the time he jumps into Xen, and it’s one of many, many ways that Half-Life is pure class.

After this, the series could have gone off in any direction, but instead Valve had then-new developers Gearbox cook up the same experience but from different perspectives. I remember liking that in the first Add-On, Opposing Force we were the bad guy. Corporal Adrian Shephard, reporting for duty. Sent as part of the force tasked with putting down the invasion, Shep’s air carrier is shot down by a passing Xen bomber thingie. This means Shep never gets the order to kill Freeman. Hey, I’m a good guy again. Playing now, it would have been more fun for the focus to be kill all the scientists and not forget about Freeman, make all about stopping him but instead it quickly falls into Half-Life lite territory, finding a way to escape the base but there’s a few things keep your attention. Four, to be exact.

Although scientists will (rather naively) help Shep, the real MVP NCPs of HL:OP are the other marines lost or cut off from their units. None of them seem concerned about Freeman either, so they merrily follow Shep looking for a way out. They have a great way about them, kinda like the Colonial Marines of Aliens (maybe not mention Colonial Marines and Gearbox together), switching between Hooah machismo and ‘its game over man!’ panic attacks. There’s standard grunts, a medic, and an engineer who lights his Oxy-cutter with his cigarette. They can die, and do often, but rather than get replaced by magically dropping from the sky, new troopers must be found or freed so Shep does still spend time on his own. It’s fun to try to get through with all the soldiers intact, and disheartening to see one of the vets down or hobbling after a firefight. Noooo he was one day away from retirement.

Whittling down my dirty quarter-dozen is stalwarts the Vorts, Headcrabs and Zombies, but also the Black Ops we saw briefly in HL. Whereas in HL they were backflipping female ninjas, most of OP’s opposing force is male, who aren’t as agile as the females, but are still sneaky little so-and-so’s and tougher than the marines. They intend to explode a nuclear device to seal Mesa and its secrets, so that becomes Shep’s priority, since it’ll explode before he can reach topside.

It’s not just the Black-ops and Xens we have to contend with though. There’s also ‘Race X’, random aliens that used the portals to invade. Those creatures are more aggressive than the Xen lot; large electric-bolt firing grunts, small scrappy little drones that fire darts and rip you to pieces, and the ‘Voltigore’, an elephant-sized pain that inhabits a dark tunnel system Shep has to navigate, and appears in a mini anti-petting zoo he works his way through.

OP does little to expand the HL story, although Shep’s diary implies the whole event was planned by the G-Man; it’s much more of a pure shooter and does suffer for it. When I first played it, I was happy to be back in the HL world, but now it feels like filler, especially with the no-mark Race X creatures. Least there’s no Xen to speak of though, only a brief detour. But, it is true to HL, there’s some nice locations and set-pieces, and we get a brief glimpse of Gordon as he departs for Xen. I tried to stop him but just created a temporal paradox. I’d rather that than be in Xen to be honest.

Despite being a Half-Life lite, OP is a solid little game. The grunts are fun to kick around with, the Black-Ops a worthy foe and the progress through the base is never boring. Shep has even more weaponry to play with, including a sort-of Portal gun that’ll transport him about, occasionally with unforeseen consequences and we get a sniper rifle; Shep also decides to carry around a Barnacle to reach areas and objects, lets a shock-firing parasite attach itself to him and adopts a tadpole creature, which purrs at him when he strokes it and fires explosive oranges. Shep is weird. G-Man takes a liking to him though and he’s been a fan fave ever since, despite never actually accomplishing anything – he saves no one and Black Mesa still explodes at the end.

The second Add-On, Blue Shift was slated on release, offering nothing new and being too short to enjoy what it did have. That is true, it’s practically a demo-sized game centred around Barney, a security guard and drinking buddy of Freeman. Barney does fight his way through the same Xen creatures and marines in Black Mesa yet again and it is all starting to feel a bit repetitive.

I enjoyed it at the time, and having replayed, still have a guilty love for it. Barney’s mission feels more personal – let’s get the hell out of here. It’s his job to do the grunt work for a couple of scientists trying to reactivate a prototype transporter that’ll get them to the surface. It just works for a bunch of nerds and a bloke on minimum wage with a clip-on tie.

There’s not much to say about Blue Shift’s FPS experience that’s not already covered by HL and OP. It’s the same but with a blue arm instead. Oddly though, I enjoyed Barney’s brief trip to Xen, where he does something science-related to activate the transporter – it’s a surprisingly enjoyable, tense run-through instead of Freeman’s overstay. The rest of it is familiar and there’s not much in the way of standouts, but I liked Blue Shift; most of the time we’re just running errands for the scientists and I’m okay with that. It’s an alternative take on the event, shows that the scientists and security guards weren’t all helpless or hopeless, and given Barney is a key player in Half-Life 2, it’s nice to see where his heroics and closeness to the scientists comes from. In some ways I preferred it to OP; it’s less typical of FPS to be playing the support act rather than the hero.

And then there was Decay. But without a friend to co-play it with (I mean a friend with a PS, I have lots of friends obviously) I’m going off faded memories and Decay has been equally forgotten; which is a shame as it’s the only HL game with female leads. The plot followed them attempting to call for army support, explaining the marine’s appearance (even though according to OP, it was pre-planned) and from memory, it’s another run through Black Mesa, but this time puzzles and enemies are more suited to coop rather than solo play. Enterprising Modders have found ways to convert it to PC, but I have no PC friends either…

HL does look a little creaky now, but as with any great game, that aged feel disappears when you disappear into a game this good. Half-Life it turns out, is ageless and still relevant; yes, it was an important game, a shooter that lead to story-driven, immersive experiences but under all that adulation and influence, the battles, environments, puzzles, subtle scripting, events and story boils down to one element modern games forget; the player. HL was a game that respected the player; I really felt like the game wanted me to have a good time, get lost in its world. And now we’re lost without Half-Life 3; Valve are a very different company now, but back in 1998 they created something truly amazing. And it still is. Apart from Xen.

Half-Life 1998 | Developer Valve | Publisher Sierra Studios/Valve

Opposing Force 1999 / Blue Shift 2001 / Decay 2001 | Developer Gearbox | Publisher Valve

genres; shooter, FPS, Horror, Adventure

platforms; Win/Steam, PS2

No One Lives Forever 2

A Blast from the Past review

FBT reviews the return of Cate Archer. That’s if he can see her all the way up on that pedestal.

The Past

The best thing about discovering games released on budget labels was you didn’t have to wait forever for the sequel. When I picked up Xplosiv’s NOLF release, A Spy In HARMs Way was only a few months behind so I didn’t have to wait too long before slipping into Cate’s kinky boots again. I loved Cate. I mean, NOLF.

I remember NOLF2 being a huge leap from the first. Graphically it looked amazing as Cate continent-hopped trying to avert a Bay of Pigs event. Great baddies including the mime assassins (who doesn’t want to shoot a mime?), a huge amount of comedy and some commentary on the Cold War. And Cate, being Cate. Lovely Cate. It was just really good; a great shooter with a solid story and good characters; a rarity for any sequel, in any media. It was more of the same without being samey; more outlandish than the original, with hulking super-soldiers to take down – but then the original was all about people mysteriously exploding so where do you go from there? I remembered playing it so much the two games merged into one beloved game. But as I prise them apart in my head, I realise my best remembered moments were from the first and remember NOLF2 getting repetitive and spending way too long in India, like they’d run out of money and just shoe-horned narrative reasons for everything to take place in one or two locations. But it was still a great game, its Cate and it’s still the swinging sixties. I’m excited to go back and see if those Kinky Boots still fit. Everybody’s going for those kinky boots, kinky boots (boop-boop) kinky boots.

Still a Blast?

Our first mission as Cate, looking as lovely and acting as cool as ever, is to infiltrate a super villain convention being held at a Ninja Village. It’s largely a tutorial as we learn the ropes of this more seasoned – but no less perfect – Cate. It’s a great little mission where we learn a few new tricks like stealth-hiding, moving bodies and searching for goodies, and relearn awesome distractions like listening to hilarious conversations and daft moments, and soon enough we’ve lost ourselves in Cate. I mean World, Cate’s world. It’s good to be back, I’m grinning and enjoying it way too much and that’s not just ‘cos Cate’s back and she hasn’t aged a bit. Cate’s back because HARM is up to something with an island called Khios. A speck in the ocean to most, its strategic worth has become a lynchpin in the cold war build-up and HARM offers to help the USSR take it – in return for building the world’s first ‘5star Communist Hotel’ on the island. Stopping WWIII and all-inclusive holidays? Cate has her work cut out for her.

NOLF2 is technically better looking than its predecessor and it’s a good shooter, the goons are quick and hard to pin down, while stealthing is actually fun for the most part, especially when you’ve got the camera disabler and tracker darts – new and improved presents from her Q, Santa; while Cate no longer does runs through his Workshop, Santa is still here, advising via a robotic bird that unnervingly knows where to perch when Cate needs info on the mission and monitors how she’s doing (‘don’t shoot the bloody bird…’). He also leaves dainty little presents for Cate to find, filled with lethal and fun goodies. Cate also gains intel from rifling desks and can trigger side-goals, both of which give xp to upgrade; better weapon handling, health etc., but also how quickly she can hide and use gadgets. We also don’t have the loadout screen anymore, Cate defaults to basic weapons and everything she needs, not that she needs anything, being perfect n’all. I can see why gadget picking was dropped from the first one, anything that was required for the mission you’d find nearby or were default carried anyway and the optionals are now always available. But it does mean your approach is dictated; you can’t pick a sniper rifle if you intend to stealth or the Corrector if you wanted to be anti-stealth. The weapons and the multiple ammo makes a return but there’s new gadgets like a hair-spray that doubles as a welder, nail-clipper lock-picks, a phone bug that looks like a ladybug (which Cate plays with while idle) and a cute little robo-kitty that will attract baddies with explosive results. Not quite as good as the fluffy slippers and belt-buckle grappling hook but still silly yet practical ways UNITY, Cate’s spy organisation, found to equip their first female agent. But Cate’s not a ‘female agent’ anymore, she’s Agent Archer, UNITY Spy; less eager newbie and more company man now.

Being a company man means practically none of the sexism Cate endured in the first. There’s references, comments but she’s accepted and respected. She has a reputation after the events of the first and that’s what they comment on, not her dress sense. Although the catsuits are gone, she’s not been sexed up either; Cate’s no less stylish but she is refreshingly functional. When in Siberia she’s in a parka rather than some barely there outfit (there are some fetching white gloves clutching the gun), around the office she’s in a stylish little V-neck dress and leather jacket, but there’s no cleavage on display. The closest she gets to baring flesh is in India, and she’s only showing a midriff. She still has her charm and playfulness (‘can you stop fidgeting?’ / ‘no’ ) but less of the sharp putdowns because she’s no longer enduring the sexist passcodes or fending off security guards belittling her for being on the shooting range and then asking her out on dates.

But then, what looks like NOLF2 topping NOLF’s sexism and misogyny by exploring feminism and patriarchy is actually a missed opportunity in the form of Isako, a female Nina Master whom Cate spends much of the game battling. Isako’s indebted to the HARM Director who toys with her, promising Isako freedom if she brings him Cate’s head then says she is his and he’ll never let her go. That’s the kind of thing Cate would not have taken kindly to. Isako is the only non-jokey mini-boss of the entire series and Cate’s equal; recognising Isako’s predicament, Cate tries to reason with her even after Isako puts her in the hospital -twice- and it feels like their relationship and Cate’s influence was intended to weave into the plot as if Cate, having won her personal battle must now step up and fight for other women but it doesn’t really happen. While their resolution technically works, it’s solving the problem not the issue and it’s a let down after the searing commentary on sexisim in the original.

NOLF2 just doesn’t explore empowerment as it should have, like Cate ‘proved’ herself in NOLF1 and that’s enough but being capable isn’t the same as equal and I expected NOLF2 to satirise the fact that Cate had to save the world to get respect. There’s none of that in NOLF2, but it’s good to see Cate simply treated as an Agent rather than judged as a woman, even if it’s ironic that she’s accepted as an equal and that feels like a fantasy.

The biggest (well, smallest) foe of Cate’s adventure is an assassin called Pierre the Mime King. The little theatrical brat has been tasked with stopping Cate from interfering with HARM’s plans, and he unleashes a group of mimes on her trail. Who are a work of genius. They hunt you down, invisible walls notwithstanding, tip-toeing despite their huge size, yelling in ‘Allo-‘Allo accents. You never get tired of them – it’s really saying something when you’re pleased to see more of an enemy. Less welcome are the Russians you battle, who aren’t quite on the same scale as the original HARM goons – they’re a lot more shooter-typical, although they have their fair share of comments (‘This is the Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics – People don’t just disappear without a trace!’) and at one sneaky stage I caught them dancing to an evil capitalist radio station, but overall there’s a lot less of the conversations going on; NOLF2 feels shorter than NOLF1 because you’re not wasting hours listening to them complain about mothers-in-law or discussing the moral implications of providing beer to HARM’s ranks. Volkov is back too, spending the entire game in a head-to-foot plaster cast and not in the best of moods, while Armstrong returns as an ally. Drafted in for his intel on HARM, Cate and Armstrong constantly bicker and argue to cover their mutual respect; that there’s zero implication of an attraction makes it even better. The big lunk is one of the best things in the game, constantly pissing and moaning before doing something hugely heroic, or really dumb. He was always an ambiguous character in the first game and in NOLF2 those flashes of a moral code come to the fore. But, he’s not above winding Cate up – and she responds by making him hold her handbag. They’re great.

We also fight HARM’s soldiers, who are somewhere between the Mimes and the Russians and do have some awesomely inane conversations or spend time practicing their evil laughs, and perhaps the most surreal baddie of any shooter is the ‘Man-Crates’ – Volkov punishes HARM thugs by turning them into crates who remain committed to the HARM cause, rolling towards you trying to get in a bite. There is one absolutely beautiful moment when, if you’re quick and sneaky, you can hear two HARM goons discussing something (‘Like all quantities, horror has its ultimate. And I am that.’ / ‘Hey! That’s from The Brain that wouldn’t Die, I love that movie!’) and it turns out one of the goons is actually just sitting on his crate-friend as they chat. Nobody does it better than NOLF. But the real big bads of NOLF2 are the Super-soldiers. Genetically engineered hulk-meets-Big Daddy, they are HARM’s present to the USSR to secure Khios and not to be messed with.

After Cate survives the Ninja Village and her first encounter with Isako, it’s off to Siberia where we learn more of the Soviet’s plans. It’s a huge and mostly fun mission, with lots of infiltration, skimobiles and explosions. And save our drunk pilot twice. Later we investigate double-agent Tom from the first game, learning how he’d been conditioned by HARM. What follows is a running fight with the Ninjas, spilling out into a nearby trailer park as we try to outrun an approaching Tornado. Until Isako blocks our exit. Cate asks if we can possibly postpone considering the tornado is ripping up trailers all around us, but Isako thinks the storm adds a level of excitement to their duel. We wind up fighting with Katanas inside a trailer spinning in mid-air inside the storm. Although Isako uses flashbangs to stealth attack, it’s one intense, close-quarter scrap (and maybe a Kill Bill reference) and the game’s standout. Only the graphical limitations stop this from being heart-attack thrilling as the trailer disintegrates and Cate has to avoid the swirling winds and Isako’s attacks. Awesome stuff. And I’m sure there’s a Mary Poppins – Wizard of Oz reference in there.

NOLF2 does run out of steam a little after the trailer park fight; the extended stay in India is even longer than I remember and it’s a bit of a slog; infiltrating HARM twice, putting down a HARM rival (Unlike HARM and UNITY, they don’t have an acronym, they’re just called Evil Alliance …) It also hits the same beats as the original – a rescue mission, a sneak mission that’s mission-fail if you get spotted, it starts to feel a little familiar. Things pick up with a ‘The Thing’-like exploration mission in Antarctica to discover HARM’s ace in the hole – the Super-soldiers – then it drops again when HARM field-tests them (in India, again) and it’s a ‘save the population while avoiding death’ mission which just feels forced. But we’re back in the saddle when the mimes attack UNITY and Cate goes on a rescue mission inside HARM’s underwater base. While it’s always fun, NOLF2 is mostly Cate just playing catch up, whereas in the first she foiled plans and was a thorn in HARM’s side.

There’s nothing wrong with NOLF2’s middle section, there’s tons of gags, in-jokes and bullets flying about but it’s largely padding – Tom’s house and The Thing base are essentially the same for instance – find enough clues to trigger the next scene – while India outstays it’s welcome. You get this feeling we’re just kicking our heels until the final mission which slowly builds during the cut-scenes, as a warmongering US general pushes for war – and straight into HARM’s hands.

The finale, escaping HARM’s (amusingly fake) volcano base, resolving Cate’s differences with Isako and stopping the Super-soldiers on Khios is all good fun – and there’s even time for a touching moment with one of the super-soldiers, who retained some memory and thinks Cate is its daughter – but NOLF2 doesn’t quite have that warmth of the original, that love for its sixties TV inspiration. Instead it ramps up the humour, almost reaching screwball comedy; I’m not saying Cate jumps the shark here, but it’s definitely going for the silly. I have nothing against chasing a three-foot-tall unicycle-riding mime through the backstreets of Calcutta while riding on Armstrong’s back as he peddles a kid’s tricycle, who can argue with that, but NOLF2 is more an absurdist experience compared to the subversive tone of the first. Okay, so NOLF1 had an opera-warbling mini-boss you bested by turning off her radio so she walked into electrified puddles, but NOLF2 is The Monkeys to NOLF1’s The Beatles.

The unrealised potential of Isako and Cate’s relationship does sour things a little, and the subplot of the Super-solider searching for his daughter is another aspect that could have been explored instead of more India shenanigans, but NOLF2 is still a far better realised game than most. It’s not NOLF1 but few games are (almost none to be honest) and pacing and plotting aside, there’s a lot of fun to be had in the world. Around HARM bases there’s constant reminders to the staff ‘remember what HARM stands for’ – even though no one knows (Unless you play Monolith’s FEAR…) Games could learn a lot from Cate; they don’t all have to build social or gender commentary into their narratives or feature men turned into crates, but the NOLF games show it’s possible to deliver so much more than a reskin. The energy, excitement, wit and fun on display in NOLF2 reminds you why you love gaming so much; this is a game that loves to be played. Cate is lovely too.

The real heartbreaker here though isn’t the unobtainable, perfect Cate, it’s that the NOLF franchise is so mired in copyright issues it’ll never see the light of day or manage a re-release let alone a third game. And so, the NOLF games remain the very definition of a Blast from the Past – a real, genuine contender for the ‘they don’t make them like that anymore’ crown. Cate would look great in a crown, but only if it had a grappling hook hidden in it.

2002 | Developer Monolith | Publisher Sierra

Platforms; Win