No One Lives Forever

A Blast from the Past review

FBT looks like he needs a monkey.

The Past

I bought ‘NOLF’ on a budget label re-release. Back then, a combination of a wheezing PC and asthmatic bank account meant I could only play cheap or old. Budget resell labels like Xplosiv or SoldOut catered for both requirements. Their carousels in PC World and Game were my domain, not those chart shelves with their snazzy new releases. Pah … Anyways, budget browsing is easy in this digital world, you’ve got gamer’s reviews, trailers, gameplay examples, previousweapon.com … but doing it back then in a real shop meant going by the back cover; If I counted all the £4.99’s I spent on budget games that I regretted buying, I could have afforded Doom 2016 on release day and had all that disappointment in one go. But then I would have missed NOLF. Based solely on Monolith’s logo, the creators of Blood, and not at all the cat-suited Cate Archer cover, £4.99 was blindly spent.

NOLF was a hidden gem. It changed my gamer life and influenced every purchase since. Monolith had done it again. Why this wasn’t up there with the heavy hitters I never understood; why wasn’t Angelina playing Cate in a movie version? Where were the Cate Cosplayers? What happened? It often appears in best retro game lists, and a quick google shows the love for Cate is still going strong. I don’t like to think of others crushing on Cate … She was whip-smart, fantastic to look at and had a mischievous streak; the kind of girl who could get away with anything. She looked like Emma Peel but wasn’t the sidekick. She wasn’t dressed like a stripper or a fantasy image; Cate didn’t slay beasts while wearing Victoria’s Secret.

I played it endlessly, until some sort of tech fallout between Windows and the Lithtech engine meant all I saw of Cate was a fleeting glance then a MFC error. Sad days. I eventually accepted it was over and said goodbye to Cate, the love of my digital life, briefly rekindled with the equally ace sequel. It turned out Copyright issues kept Cate from being rediscovered on Steam or GOG, and so Cate and I slowly drifted apart. Sniff. I blame the patriarchy. I still remember Cate very fondly and she … I mean NOLF, is still in my top five games despite having not played it for nearly a decade. Such was Cate’s influence that given the choice in modern games, I always play female, hoping to see Cate reincarnated. She’s never been equaled. And to think I got NOLF on the cheap. It’s been a while Cate, but thanks to the internet and fan patches, I’m back. I hope I still have what it takes.

Still a Blast?

It took some serious googling and dodgy downloads from sites written in Chinese, but after some yelling, I managed to crank NOLF into life and my life suddenly gets better. The menu looks like the set of The Monkeys, the music like the soundtrack to The Avengers. I’m so happy to be back. Influenced by just about every sight and sound from the sixties, it looks great and its retro without seeming like a parody. This is a homage, a loving nod to when we were kids and watched once prime-time stuff on Saturday afternoon repeats. Why don’t they make stuff this classy anymore? On TV and in games.

We meet Cate stepping out of the shower, but there are no longing shots of her body. She’s hidden, tantalisingly, as she talks on the phone with her mentor Bruno and teases him about what she’s up to. We think we’re about to meet some femme fatale super-spy, but Cate, a kind of Modesty Blaise, is a newbie; an eager ex-Cat Burglar retrained by ‘UNITY’ as an infiltration spy only to be stuck with menial jobs, a victim of her gender and positive discrimination so the bosses can say they’re progressive. With her English-Scot accent spouting sly comments, Cate is finally let off the leash by her misogynistic bosses after all the male spies are killed while investigating mysterious exploding people and discovers ‘HARM’, a super-villain agency. And so, we battle and giggle our way through a wacko episode of Avengers, The Saint, U.N.C.L.E, Bond, Matt Helm and … I could go on, and NOLF does. I never feel like I’m actually in the sixties, instead I’m in all the sixties shows and movies and that’s way more fun.

NOLF is still brilliant to play. Graphically it’s been surpassed but this is a real gaming experience. They don’t make them like this anymore. To get the most out of it you need to be sneaky and aware, but it doesn’t punish you for slipping up and getting spotted. Likewise, going in shooting is fine too, they’re not drastically different experiences but it’s up to you how Cate behaves. NOLF is an adventure, a shooter at its core with stealth elements but that’s a simplistic description. It’s an old TV episode with bursts of action, story, changes in pace and location, pathos and plot-twists. And it’s not all style; there’s substance under the disco balls and kinky boots, a lot of commentary and observation and it’s strange to think NOLF was ahead of its time then, and regrettably, still is now.

As she shoots and quips her way through the plot, Cate contends with sexism more damaging than the bullets she faces. From the condescension and dismissive attitude of her superiors, the sexist behaviour of the muscled American spy she’s teamed with, to even the people she saves who express amusement that a ‘girl’ is saving them, Cate classily proves she’s more than a match for them all. In one of the more wicked nods to misogyny, every time Cate meets a contact, they are forced to use terrible pickup lines to confirm her identity. You can imagine the ‘lads’ back at base giggling over making her go through this and thinking it’s just a bit of harmless slap and tickle. Cate rises above it but doesn’t accept it – she even expresses discomfort for the poor contact who has to say the lines. That’s class. I don’t know what’s worse, that it took until 2000 to have a female character who’s sexuality isn’t a key element of her capabilities or that we’ve not had one since. And no, Lara in the TR reboot doesn’t count; resisting rape attempts and avoiding graphic deaths via button-mashing is not an expression of strength; she’s a manipulative character in the reboot – manipulating us into caring that is, as she sits helpless and crying at a campfire, unlike the original Tomb Raider who DGAF what we thought. She may have looked like a sex-doll but that Lara was more than her looks, more of a feminist character than the reboot can dream about and no way OG Lara sprang from that wishy-washy brat. Maybe Fem-Shep comes close to a modern female hero, but that’s just reskinning and why is it Femshep? It’s just Shepard. But Cate revels in the danger while taking it seriously; she is consistently smarter, wittier that those around her and a capable hero; the he/she identifier doesn’t matter. Yes she’s feminine, but in moments where gender means nothing, it doesn’t come up unless it’s making that very point.

The villains are great fun to fight. The AI was advanced then and still holds up well now thanks to their clever scripting – both in actions and words. They investigate sounds or evidence of you being there, can be led into areas away from others and leap about, look for cover, run and retreat when you whittle them down. But I’ve never played a game that encouraged sneaking so successfully; not to get the drop on them but to listen to the goons moaning. They whinge about the health and safety aspects of being a henchman, the perks, bitch about their bosses, discuss other supervillain groups they may join, complain about their mother in law. And when the shooting starts, they throw out some genius lines – ‘I do not like getting shot at!’, ‘watch out for the bullets!’ and a personal favourite ‘I should definitely stop ingesting hallucinogens’ when they give up looking for you.

You get to choose which weapons you load out each mission with, and there’s lot to choose from as Cate will add any weapons she picks up to her next loadout inventory. Within the usual groups – pistols, machine guns etc – they’re mostly variations on a theme making it as much an aesthetic choice as a practical one but you also get different ammo choices, including dum-dums (the stupidest name ever for a bullet) and ones that are coated with poison or phosphorous; the goons have those too and the effects bypass your bullet-proof vest. Cate can’t gain health while on the mission so just diving in gun first is a riskier option if you want her to make it to the end. Cate is also furnished with an array of sixties inspired gadgets by ‘Santa’, her version of Bond’s Q, allowing Cate to go into the field with fluffy bunny slippers to quieten her footsteps, a belt-buckle grappling hook, perfume that knocks people out, lipstick grenades and a robotic poodle to distract the guard dogs. It’s a nice touch in the way Santa’s Little Helpers find appropriate ways for a girl to hide grenades and not raise suspicion. Plus, they all have a great sixties look.

Of course, no Bond film would be complete without supervillains and NOLF has some and then some. The brilliant mini boss, Wagner who warbles terrible operas and provides a fun mini-boss battle, the creepy Volkov who becomes Cate’s arch enemy and a Scottish vagabond called Magnus who appreciates Cate for her abilities – and that she’s a Scot. When she goads the hulk into a brawl to prove she’s better than him is one of the best moments in the game (least in the cutscenes, scuffling with the lug is a nightmare and the only time I wish Cate would just use her feminine wiles to get around someone instead. Damned equality.) Plus there’s three slinky female assassins who spend most of their time lounging about in a classic Our Man Flint-style apartment waiting for the call to kill Cate. Those ladies are not to be messed with, although it’s a shame it’s not more hands on – not that I wanted a cat fight for any titillation, just that the build up to them appearing is actually let down by it being an explosive firefight rather than a roustabout or an opportunity to further the equality issue which would have been more fun.

The levels are nicely done too, full of little interactions and areas to explore, and they’re epic-sized, but rarely drag and it’s well balanced for the most part. Only a few camera-avoiding stealth-only scenes grate. It’s not strictly linear and you can take various routes or approaches, sometimes dictated by the gadgets you brought along. The NCPs wandering about slow the action down because you can’t help but stop to listen to their conversations too. Some areas do drag a little, especially where Stealth is insisted on, and there’s an interrogation mission where you have to listen to a rich old duffer blather on about his life – Cate is posing as a journalist – but I like to think it’s a commentary on sexism, that a man would assume a woman would be delighted to listen at length to obvious fibs about his manly life rather than just talk to her as an equal. Mansplaining in a shooter?

This being an espionage thriller, the plot takes you all over the world stopping off in nightclubs, a shark infested sunken ship (which Cate previously sank), a mid-air shootout after a plane explosion, and in space – What spy thriller doesn’t feature a space station, brilliantly including a Go-Go club? As Cate investigates H.A.R.M a real plot emerges, not just a cut-scene to justify the next shoot-em-up; Problems, double-crosses and unexpected events play out and it’s not until the credits are rolling you realise you played what could have passed as a classic TV spy-caper. Instead we got a classic game. And if you’re lucky enough to have the GotY edition, there’s a full post-credits level where Cate, enjoying some R&R on an island getaway has her gun stolen by a monkey…

Being over 15 years old, NOLF has aged. It looks very Half-Life 1 era, but only if you’re a real fan of environmental design or screen clutter. NOLF’s art design is so well done, the story so compelling, the gameplay so tight it’s just brilliant to be a part of, not to mention the characters, the humour and of course Cate herself. In short, all the stuff they add nowadays to make games look cool is missing and NOLF makes you realise it’s not needed. Peal that away from a lot of today’s games and you’d realise how empty they are. NOLF is missing that shine and yet it’s incredibly polished. It’s more than a shooter, it’s an adventure, a battle-of-the-sexes comedy-homage to a great-looking era all through the eyes of one of the very best heroes of modern gaming. It was one of my all-time favourite games when I first played it, and now it might be my favourite game. It’s certainly one of the best games of all time.

It’s a shame that NOLF is so mired in rights issues and big business indifference that Cate won’t get to adventure for a third time, let alone the classic originals see the legal light of day. I’m not ashamed to admit that when my original disk went MFC Error on me and Windows was no help, I wound up pirating NOLF from a site that just wants to keep Cate alive, keeping it playable as Windows updates threaten to leave her behind – that’s hero worship. Night Dive Studios tried to re-release it as did GOG.com, but both got so entangled they gave up. It’s a masterclass in mergers and acquisitions of mega-corps; Vivendi, Activision Blizzard, Fox and WB all possibly own a slice; some of them aren’t even sure themselves, having either owned, sold or absorbed companies that might have had a stake, and they all seem to have owned each other at some point. If they could all just get in a room, agree to share and let Monolith do what they do best, we’d all win. Of course, we could wind up with an unpleasant TR reboot but I’d love to see Cate save the world again. For now, there is something about how no one gets to ‘own’ Cate in the end. It seems oddly fitting.

2000 | Developer Monolith | Publisher Fox Interactive

platforms; the internet

F.E.A.R 3

A Rage Quit Review

The psychotic psychic is back and she’s expecting. FBT didn’t expect this.

FEAR Alma for a third time? FEAR forced us to survive little Alma’s rage after being turned into a monster and FEAR2 turned Alma into a Video Vixen, so what does Alma have instore for us in FEAR3? Morning Sickness.

By now, the series has completely jettisoned the idea behind the First Encounter Assault Recon team. FEAR might as well have been called Project Origin since the entire franchise has centred on Alma rather than a Spec Ops team investigating paranormal activity; they’ve had one case. In the original, F.E.A.R investigated Fettel, a rogue commander in ATC’s army-for-sale who’s looking for Alma; a hugely powerful psychic who, after years of abuse by ATC’s science team (including her own father), went Carrie on her tormentors. It was a great game; full of awesome firefights, a terrifying but complex antagonist and a twisting plot. The perfect shooter. In FEAR2, a new Spec Ops team were tasked with finding ATC’s boss, Aristide only to get caught up in Alma’s explosive family reunion. Alma’s interest was piqued by ATC science project Sgt Becket, and she developed a big crush on him. Despite Alma changing her little girl image to an Instagram Model look, Beckett left her on Read and enraged, Alma took matters into her own hands. Not only was FEAR2 a sub-CoD horror-shooter, it ended with a bun in the oven for Alma; it wasn’t just morally dubious, it didn’t make a lot of sense; but presumably FEAR3 will reveal what the hell it was all about and what Alma’s end-game is.

I really wasn’t sure the FEAR franchise could withstand another round with Alma but FEAR3 does something unexpected with the demonic hellcat; puts her on Maternity Leave. It’s unexpected because all the trailers, the box art, the opening, even PR quotes from the studio promised Alma was back and badder than ever. Yet Alma is out of the picture for the entire game, save for a few non-threatening cameos. What the hell? While her contractions threaten to merge her nightmare world with ours, practically nothing Alma-related happens in FEAR3. We’re supposed to stop her giving birth because reasons, but first we’ve got bigger questions – like why is Fettel back in ghost form, and how come Pointy can’t think of a THING to say? He’s still silent despite finding out he’s a lab experiment, ATC have manipulated his entire existence, his Mom is a vengeful spirit and he shot his own brother in the face – who’s back from the dead. Not even a quietly muttered ‘FML’?

We first meet Pointman while he’s being beaten up by Mercs in a ATC-controlled town. No idea why, it just seems they’re knocking him about for fun; he was a considerable asset, a first blood of Alma and they’re beating him to death? You’re wasting your time guys, he’ll never talk. Thankfully, Fettel appears, possesses one of the soldiers and frees him. Without explaining himself, Pointy resolves to escape, link up with Jin from FEAR1 – who for some reason has spent the last nine months kicking around the decimated city doing nothing – and finally close a FEAR case by ending Alma. Fettel meanwhile also wants to find Alma, claiming he’ll join the family together like an R-rated version of the Munsters. Since their plans roughly align, the two siblings agree to work together.

As far as Pointy’s plan goes though, why does he want to kill Mom? She was as much a victim as he was, and why isn’t his rage directed at ATC? It could have turned it all on its head and have the bros protecting Alma’s newborn from ATC, or the three of them destroying Aristide and ATC once and for all; can you imagine Alma as a follower?! Holy shit. No. But we’ve got Fettel along for the ride; he’s an Alma-lite but still, packs a cannibalistic punch and that’s gotta be fun – get to know my undead bro on a road trip! Apologise for shooting him in the face, bond over our mummy-issues and all that? Nope. None of that either. He’s not even following.

The implication seems to be ‘will you rescue Alma (Fettel) or kill her (Pointy)’? But it doesn’t set that narrative out in any meaningful way and missions don’t impact your choices – it boils down to differing play-styles. This has several increasing levels of frustration; first, you don’t even have your brother as a follower. Once you’ve made the call on who you play, the other disappears until the next cut-scene, having reached the same spot somehow. Playing as Pointy means the same old same old – two guns, bullettime. But to have Fettle alongside doing supernatural stuff on command would have been awesome. And to play him should be awesome too, but it’s supernaturally disappointing. He’s a ghost who can get shot for starters. He’s already dead! But he can be deader? It’s idiotic, did not one person in the dev team go ‘hang on…’ At the very least Fettel should have been a stealth character, or capable of ghosty stuff. Instead, he can possess ATC troops but that just makes him Pointman without bullettime – pointless. Fettel can use telekinesis and fire bolts of evil but they’re nowhere near as awesome-destruction as they should be. He’s also not doing any of the cannibalism he used to get up to (health bump at least? How is biting not a weapon of his?) and lastly, why don’t we at least perceive the world from his POV – it is literally the same play through, different arm. What is the point of Fettel? What he is changes based on the story needs. He’s dead, undead, real or a ghost, depending on plot points. We can’t even walk through walls like he does in the cutscenes; Fear3 made playing a ghost boring.

Another frustration is the continuity cracks. Since Pointman refuses to talk to Fettel and they have no bearing on each other’s actions, there’s no reason why they team up. They have zero use for each other and nothing to say despite there being a huge depth to their backstory as explained through tons of cutscenes. How come the troops can tell when one of their buddies is Fettel? And where’s Aristide? She was the series’ The Smoking Man but she’s nowhere to be seen in 3 so who’s controlling ATC? They’re a major thorn in Pointy’s side but serve no story-purpose. What are they even doing? The Replicas also put in an appearance but who’s controlling them, and why can’t Fettel imprint on them like before? And, if this is nine months after FEAR2 (ignoring the fact that at the end we saw Alma about ready to drop, implying a supernatural birth) why is Jin just knocking about in a warzone; and why has that ruined city been left to fester, how are the zombies still alive, why are people possessed – and by who, Alma? Why? Where is everyone else? Why did this start in Brazil then never reference it again? WHAT IS GOING ON FEAR3?

Not even the gameplay can distract you from those petty plot points. The ATC soldiers don’t have anywhere near the flair of the original Replicas and they’re boring to engage with, as are random supernatural creatures that make no sense. The levels are linear, and the mission goals feel more like we’re being ordered about (by who?) and those classic scared-to-death FEAR moments are a thing of the past. I’m not even scared of ladders this time. And another gameplay annoyance is both Pointy and Fettel start out as newbies, gaining XP as they go. Why?! And why have we got to piss about hunting collectables to gain XP when we’re supposed to be hunting our own mother, let’s focus on – wait, COLLECTABLES?! What?! We can find little mini Alma dolls for extra XP. You turned her into a toy? Why does FEAR3 hate FEAR so much?

Anyway, we track down Mr Lover-Lover Boombastic Becket, who isn’t nervously pacing outside the maternity ward. His reaction to meeting his step-sons is extreme to say the least, screaming they need to ‘kill the filthy maggot inside her’. That’s a tad harsh but not as bad as how FEAR3 resolves his storyline; by having him explode from the inside out during Fettel’s possession/interrogation – and Pointman does fuckall about it. What was that?! FEAR2’s rape scene was always incredibly contentious, not least due to its ‘but she was hot so clearly he was up for it’ subtext, but to horrifically kill off a rape victim who’s been imprisoned just to further the story is unpleasant in the extreme; you couldn’t find you way to freeing him? Or maybe just ask him? It just resolved FEAR2’s story by punishing the victim – and our hero didn’t stop it. FEAR3 already felt cheap and nasty, now it’s reprehensible.

So, with Alma busy at Lamaze classes, we get no scary little girl appearances, not even an attempt to kill you for old times’ sake … instead we get ‘The Creep’, a manifestation of Alma’s own fears of her father. Fear has fears? It literally behaves the way Alma did in the first game, appearing at opportune times to wipe out the bad guys, take an interest in us and kindly creates pathways with its destructive behaviour. But unlike Alma it’s not scary. Also unlike Alma, it’s the final boss. We can literally kill a ghost now? Who you gonna call? Monolith, who developed the original, to sort this crap out. Day 1 Studios made this, and they previously worked on ports of the original so they knew what FEAR was; what were they thinking? At the very least you’d think only Fettel can take down the Creep but no, bullets can kill an imaginary friend too. Also, Alma Feared her Father? In FEAR she dissolved him alive with just her brain; she’s over her daddy issues. This is so shit. Once the brothers dispatch The Creep, we finally reach Alma, who decided to give birth at Pinhead’s maternity clinic. Clearly something’s up.

Then the game goes multiple endings on us. Pointman favours ‘Bullet to her belly’ while Fettel wants to call it ‘Junior’. Which is a huge crock of shit. We haven’t been given any context, a chance to draw our own conclusions on Alma or the brothers, what could happen and neither brother makes a case or grows during the game in a way that makes you ponder the choices; AND we still don’t know Alma’s intentions – why she wanted the child, what it means, what her plan is. But never fear, we reach Rage Quit level when the game just makes the call based on which bro you played as so it’s all redundant anyway; we watch as Pointy changes his mind and becomes a brother-dad and Alma fades away peacefully. What?! That was it? She … Fuck you FEAR3. It’s a muddled, unresolved ending to a pitiful, half-baked, hateful mean-spirited, confused, lazy, tame, boring game. And Pointman still doesn’t say anything.

FEAR3 sucks on every level – it’s a dull generic shooter, makes a mess of the FEAR narrative, removes its iconic villain and makes the entire game about one non-event without any resolution or explanation. It also forces the franchise into a co-op mode when the central thing to the original was you were alone – and even fucks that up. No way I’m going through that again to see what Fettel does. Rage Quitting the shit out of this abomination and googling ‘completely remove game from Steam’. I’m updating my bio’s most hated games list.

The worst thing though is Day 1 Studios wheeled John Carpenter out for PR points. Clearly they were just interested in his marquee value not input because pre-release, Carpenter and writer Steve Niles talked about how dangerous Alma is in FEAR3, now a protective mother, and that’s what FEAR3 should have been; everyone knows you don’t get between a bear and its cub and that’s exactly where Pointman should have been instead we’re her midwife.

Alma is Fear. This isn’t.

2011 | Developer; Day 1 Studios | Publisher Warner Bros. Interactive

Platforms; Win | PS3 | X360
Genres; horror, shooter, fps

Mad Max

A SECOND WIND REVIEW

In this extended playthrough review, FBT tucks into some Dinki Di and revs his way through Mad Max. One man enters, one man auto saves.

Games based on films usually fall into two groups; the first, ‘tie-in’ games supporting a movie release – cheap, quick and nasty, there’s a special hell is reserved for them alongside child molesters and those who talk at the theatre (When is that Firefly game coming out?) The second, games based on past movies fare better but generally we get less The Warriors, more Jaws Unleashed and middling exceptions such as Enter the Matrix, Die Hard Nakatomi Plaza and Avatar; you had to really love the film to forgive those. There is a third way, games acting as spin-offs, but The Thing, Stranglehold, Butcher Bay etc. worked only because they reference the original then do their own thing; but again, for every Alien Isolation there’s an Aliens Colonial Marines. And don’t get me started on TV-series tie-ins; 24, X-Files, CSI even The Shield and Sopranos have been digitally ruined. Movies based on games don’t fare much better and there’s a reason both fail to emulate the other; the experience. Games can be cinematic but they’re not cinema. Films can be involving but you’re not involved. They should just leave each other alone.

If the game-based-on-a-movie tag wasn’t enough reason to avoid Mad Max the video game, the bigger problem is we’ve already played it – not the 1990 NES game, that was Max in name only, but we’ve gamed as Max-by-proxy for years; any apocalyptic wasteland game is Max-inspired the same way a rain-soaked neon future is Bladerunner (which had two games). We’ve never gotten to be Max, never driven the Pursuit Special while acting out Fifi’s immortal line ‘People don’t believe in heroes anymore? Well damn them! You and me Max, we’re gonna give ‘em back their heroes!’

Plus, do we want to play Max? He’s not exactly the kind of character you want to inhabit. He’s too complex -for all his simplicity- to be reduced to a game perspective, and even the movies played fast and loose with the continuity and motivations, which makes a game adaption tougher; what kind of game is it? It can’t be a driving game, it can’t be FPS, that only leaves RPG – Which makes sense in that Max lives in a wasteland, but still, he’s the very definition of linear; he drives in a straight line, always away from his past – he doesn’t make a home, he doesn’t join guilds and he’s not the kind of guy given to helping Randoms. Max on a side mission? Sacrilege! Yet that’s exactly the genre that developers Avalanche decided on. And the bad omens continued; it was delayed for nearly a year then a teaser revealed Max with an American accent. Later trailers announced in full-screen text ‘you are Max’ – If a trailer for Mad Max has to spell out you’re Mad Max, it’s in trouble and the gameplay looked like it was Fury Road based but they couldn’t afford Tom Hardy. This is a tie-in isn’t it. Shit. Looks like we’re headed for another Rambo The Video Game.

But the thing is, while Max never thrives, he does survive; survived Toecutter, Immortan Joe, Lord Humungus and even Tina Turner. Can he survive a Tie-In?

Fittingly, we first find Max behind the wheel of the V8 PS Interceptor. Eyes locked on the horizon. Like Fury Road’s opening, Max is ambushed by Warboys – but this time led by a giant called Scrotus, who wants a V8. Left for dead and without his Interceptor, Max inherits a dog, thrown from Scrotus’ War Rig for failing to tear Max’s throat out. The two scavenge along until meeting a deformed and clearly unstable mechanic named Chumbucket; Chum has been designing the ultimate wasteland car, his Magnum Opus, and after seeing the fight with Scrotus, believes that Max is a Saint sent by the Angel of Combustion to make Opus soar. Okay then. We can go along with that if it means getting a new car.

Problem is, not only is the Opus unfinished, she’s not a V8. Chum explains there’s various local strongholds under threat from Scrotus and they will have the tools he needs to finish the Opus; and we’ll need the Opus battle-ready to reach Gastown, the only place we’ll find a V8. It’s standard RPG to create a situation where various hoops must be jumped through to gain the final prize, but those hoops, this prize works for Max. It’s minimalist, there’s no distractions and it justifies tearing about in the Opus. We slide behind the wheel. Cue engine roar. Cue shiver-down-back as I, Mad Max, drive into the wasteland.

A Fury Road prequel of sorts, we’re in what’s left of a world ravaged by a resource war, that triggered an environmental collapse, which lead to a worldwide plague, resulting in a societal breakdown. Now that’s an apocalypse. Huge rusted ship hulls litter the land as we drive through bleached coral, dusty seaweed and the occasional whale skeleton – we’re in a dry ocean bed; the Grand Canyon meets the Great Barrier Reef, and it has a sickly sense of death to it; whereas Fallout suggested humanity was at least surviving, rebuilding, all we find here are bodies; things are not going to get better. This is the end. But the end looks great, it’s a detailed, believable-looking game.

And as a game, MM is as stripped back as it’s possible to make an RPG. Max travels light. There’s no backpack full of junk to sell, no wardrobe choices beyond upgrades; he takes only what he needs and gets it by scavenging derelict camps – but stepping outside the safety of the Opus comes at a cost. The wasteland of Max is incredibly dangerous; not Borderlands gimme-a-break dangerous but you’re never going to just wander like Elder Scrolls. Factions run rampant in the wasteland and will come running when they hear the Opus pull up; leaping, punching and kicking at Max, throwing stones or worse. Others burst out of the sand in sneak attacks or wait in the shadows; expect to fight for that tin of Dinki-Di.

Strictly speaking, MM is a brawler game; he does have a rudimentary shotgun with a few shells and a couple of one-stab shivs but he’s mostly a fist man. He can also momentarily arm himself with a melee weapon, including the ‘Thunderpoon’, a type of bang-stick that can be thrown or melee’d with awesome and messy results and uses gas-cans as explosives but most of the time Max is battering heads into walls or the Opus’ hood if not throwing some mean WWE moves; the fights are desperate scraps but it’s not a button-mashing scrum. Reminiscent of WB’s Arkham City (Okay it’s not reminiscent, it’s blatantly the same mechanic and Max has a ‘fury mode’ to unlock quick finishes ending in slow-mo take-downs – I’m Batmad), it’s more of a ballet than a brawl; it’s all about anticipating and timing the beatings you throw down.

Besides the two-legged risks in the wasteland, there’s obviously the four-wheeled ones. The Opus isn’t invincible, but this is where MM becomes something really special. There’s raiding parties patrolling and they don’t just ram, they work together, clamber out of their cars to leap onto yours or lob things to make you crash. It is the most thrilling drive experience in an age, better than any 5-star wanted moment in GTA. It’s terrifying, exciting and random; you get that panic as cars appear on the horizon while you’re scavenging. You race back to the Opus and they give chase; suddenly the Opus is damaged, you’re out of shells, you’re trying to ram one into a cliff-face while avoiding another adorned with spikes, there’s a raider on the hood and you’re running out of road. The Opus bursts into flames and you’re rolling in the dirt trying to avoid them making you their hood ornament, then they pull up, jump out and mob you as the commotion attracts yet more. It’s fantastic.

Each faction has a different style of car, attack and attitude but they’re all insane. Sometimes you’ll find them parked up and catching some rays. Run them over. Sometimes you’ll run them over and then realise they weren’t Warboys but Wanderers desperate for water. Sorry. Destroying cars also yields precious scrap – everything is a commodity in the wasteland. Driving around you’ll come across oil-stained paths criss-crossing the sand. Follow it and you’ll find a truck ferrying Gas to the nearby outposts. Taking on the convoy is just a huge, breathless, desperate fight-on-wheels as you whittle down the convoy to just the Gas rig. Besting it nets you a hood ornament which gives mini power-ups. You’ll need it.

The Opus is just great fun to drive, easily one of the best in-game vehicles gaming has produced. It’s so compelling you often get yourself into trouble just to push its limits. The Opus is your home, a Sacred Place as Chum calls it, and as level-ups unlock it’s potential, you tinker with it as much as Chum does to get it just right for your style. It can be a bullet or a bomb and Avalanche have put a huge amount of work into making sure we love it as much as Chum does. Everything from the muscle-car feel, the growl, the fire it’s exhausts spit, just the feel and thrill of throwing it around; perfect. Max however stays stoically silent on the subject. He’s not a silent hero but he is taciturn and minimalist, only saying what’s necessary, only doing what’s needed. Sticking to the attitude we know from the movies, you’re an MFP Officer, the road warrior, the raggedy man. My name is Max.

Despite Max’s focus, we’ve got some exploring to do. Tethered hot-air balloons let you pinpoint what needs doing to lower the Scrotus threat such as giant flaming scarecrows with bodies flayed on them that need to be pulled down, and for that we get a Harpoon gun that can also be used on the cars, or the occupants of cars, gates outside enemy camps, pretty much anything destructible. It’s great fun. There’s sniper posts as well, but Max gets his own car-mounted ‘lead slinger’ as Chum calls it; I’d assumed Chum would take on the role of mission-giver but he rides with Max, hanging on for dear life. Chum isn’t nearly as annoying as I first imagined; he gets nervous around camps and concerned if we’re not tending to the Opus’ needs. He’s chatty, pointing out locations or dangers (he’s a big fan of the ‘mighty duster’ sandstorms) and he’s also cheeky, asking why you got in the Opus on the wrong side and he’s geeky; when a wanderer marvels at some event saying “Surely that wasn’t you?” Chum pipes up with “It was, and don’t call him Shirley!” – he even quotes Aliens.

Chum will help fight off faction interlopers when they climb aboard and repair the Opus when you exit, meaning you’re not forced to limp to a garage after every battle; you’re often exiting the flaming Opus though, then distracting the factions long enough for Chum to repair her. Hurry up! You control the Opus’ Harpoon gun via Chum and he’ll drive while you snipe which is a nice touch, he really grows on you but he’s not Max’s only companion; if you take Chum’s buggy into the wasteland, Dog will come along to sniff out locations and mine fields. Disarming them will lower Scrotus’ threat level as will accidentally driving into them (irritating Chum as he repairs the flaming Opus). Best way to deal with mines is luring in a Warboy then watch him become a Was-boy.

They have missed a trick with choosing your companion though. Waiting for Dog to sniff out a mine is laborious and he never leaves the buggy, and without Chum to repair the car it’s dangerous too. I know Max is a lone hero n’all and doesn’t have the best history with doggos but if they can’t both fit in the Opus it could have been interesting to at least position it as choosing a defensive or offensive pal when you roll out into the wilderness; Chum can repair the Opus but can’t fight while Dog can’t hold a wrench but he’ll come along and chew through Warboys.

When we’re not thinning out his troops, we’re ruining Scrotus’ businesses. In each area there’s refineries, oil dumps and re-enforcement camps. They can be entered by using their own vehicles, but we’re not gonna do that. Once the Opus has weakened the camp enough to enter, Max is on his own and they know you’re coming; Prepare for some serious Batmaning. Most camps will have a War Crier, a lookout suspended from a crane who also beats a drum to Buff up the Warboys like Max’s Fury Mode. Great. If you take everyone out before him, he’ll drop the bluster and half-heartedly suggest you don’t kill him too. On occasion Criers can be reached from outside with the harpoon/sniper, which is very satisfying. Each region always has the same requirements – scarecrows, minefields, snipers, and Camps have the same ‘ruin this’, ‘blow up that’ parameters, but they’re all laid out differently and never a push over; and then there’s the Top Dog camps. Mini bosses. Taking out their mega-camps is a painful process but a good challenge and it’s only the Top Dogs themselves that are disappointing; they all follow a variation on the same fight technique and it’s a shame they’re not as unique an experience as their bases.

As Max barters for Opus tech by doing Stronghold missions that aid whatever ails them, he can also help make them better – but they always benefit him. Finding the plans for a water-catcher, oil containers etc. mean Max gets refilled upon re-entering a stronghold, making them invaluable upgrades. They’ll also collect stray scrap for Max, saving you constantly exiting the car to pick up materials. Stronghold missions revolve around typical RPG ‘go somewhere really dangerous to get something’ missions, but they’re always fun and often reference key points from the movies. About the only truly RPG side mission is one where Max performs legendary leaps to inspire the locals and he does come across races but they’re optional – although racing allows you to return for a free gas top up. The races will have set criteria and some require different cars entirely. Throughout the wasteland Max can find high-value cars and add them to a garage; it’s the only element that doesn’t feel right. Why does he care, where’s he storing them, why isn’t Chum stripping them for the Opus? Taking a faction’s car does mean driving without drawing that factions’ attention but it’s hardly worth it and even ‘legendary’ cars are no match for the Opus. That the locals would deify cars and oil makes sense, but not Max.

No RPG would be complete without Levelling Up. When Max reaches a Legendary reputation level (from Road Kill to – of course – Road Warrior) a mysterious drifter called Griffa appears to give you a headache. He reflects incomprehensibly on the past and seems to know Max and his pain in intimate detail. It’s implied he might be a figment of Max’s, his conscience trying to let go of the past; or he might be some drifter who had a similar experience, helping Max take on Scrotus. Either way, Max gets upgrade options – nothing new to RPG but we also get to upgrade the Opus. Now this is fun. Everything you need to turn the Opus into a monstrous demon car that actually intimidates factions. A lot of the upgrades are related to the main missions so you feel like you’re preparing for the Gastown showdown, not gadding about gaining xp. It helps that you become invested in the Opus, feeling that while once it was little more than a frame on wheels, now it’s something special.

Eventually, by way of a launchable Thunderpoon (which is even more fun than it sounds) Max and Chum make it inland and Max’s world changes. A bit. It’s still a sand-soaked, rotten world but there’s roads, or at least broken asphalt snaking through ruins, broken bridges, dry river beds, gas stations and so on, but the further inland you go, the more the desert has encroached until it’s all you see. Mostly we see more Scarecrows, Snipers, Encampments and Top Dogs. And bloody land mines. It’s a bit of a stumble on the game’s part; after all that work in the Ocean, the build up to reaching ‘land’, it’s the same challenges on the other side give or take. Still, off to Gastown, right? Nope, there’s another stronghold, a junkyard that surrounds Gastown that we need passage through.

By now, I’m the Road Warrior, ready for anything but the junkyard is something else. After flinging the Opus around all that open space, I’m trapped in close-quarter alleyways, car-catching trash and dead-ends and constantly reduce the Opus to a burning wreck. Well, I wanted a change. Chum, fix up the Opus. We’re going to Gastown.

Naturally there’s a few more hoops between Max and the V8, and one is the best mission in the game; recover something from a buried Airport. The Opus crawls through the tomb-like airport interior as sand slips and we catch shadows. Chum is not happy and neither am I. It’s unnerving, then scary, then scary-fast as the Opus drives for its life, terrorised all the way back to Gastown. It’s a great mission just as our madness is starting to slip after one too many scarecrows. That it’s for a completely trivial reason adds to the mayhem of Max’s mad world too.

It’s an incredible moment when the V8 is revealed – Max is utterly captivated by it and so are we, seeing what the V8 means to him; he’s staring so hard he barely registers the other prize, a concubine in the shapely shape of Hope, a woman we helped (a bit) a while back. She’s owned by the maniac Stank Gum – who we have to beat to win the engine. Hope also had a daughter, Glory, now nowhere to be seen which is troubling. Max doesn’t seem to notice though because V8. That’s my V8.

After everything, it’s no spoiler to say the V8 is a bit disappointing. I’m sure it’s just my uneducated ears, but once Chum has it installed, it’s nowhere near as dirty, guttural; I miss the bang when Max turns the V6’s key. It hums rather than spits. It’s also a let-down that the V8 has a load of upgrades. We just went through all that for something that can be better? It should have been Get The V8, Angels sing, Opus soars, Chum cheers, end credits. But it’s not over yet. After a Thunderdome fight that left me exhausted, we’re thrown into a monumental brawl so epic and unfair that even Borderlands would have said ‘calm down mate’, what could possibly be next? Another exceptional mission to begrudgingly help Hope find her Glory of course, and it feels right that Max would eventually agree to do one thing for someone other than himself – that’s a constant in every Mad Max movie since Road Warrior; someone gets under his madness and briefly reaches the man beneath.

So we’re good to go, yeah? Not quite. It’s a desperately sad moment when Max takes off rather than stays with Hope and Glory. Glory gets in the car only to be lifted out like Feral Kid. Max barely glances in his mirror before taking off. But then, absolutely everything spirals faster than a V8; An insane sequence of events unfold, sending Max so far into the Madness that it’s hard to watch let alone play – and it couldn’t have ended any other way. We’ll ignore a completely ridiculous final twist/fight tacked on to spoil it. It’s that good a game that even a logic-breaking boss fight can be forgiven. Max drives, always away from his past; except now he has even more past to drive away from. Including me. It’s been a ride being Max. And surprisingly, it’s been emotional being Max.

With the Opus purring like a hybrid, I reflect on how well Mad Max the films were woven into the game. And it’s not just fan-service. There’s ‘two men enter, one man leaves’, Max eats Dinki-Di dogfood, the Lost Tribe is referenced, Max is called Raggedy Man and so much more; it might be a prequel to Fury Road (might be) with the Warboys, the huge storms and general look and feel, but the entire series’ DNA is woven in without turning the game into some sycophant greatest-hits tour. This Max can stand proudly alongside it’s cinematic bros – and manages the impossible; a brilliant tie-in. I would love to be Max again and it’s a shame WB didn’t throw enough support behind this game to warrant a sequel; well damn them. Avalanche gave us back our hero.

2015 | Developer Avalanche Studios | Publisher WB Interactive Entertainment

Platforms; Win, XO, PS4

F.E.A.R. 2 Project Origin

a second wind review

Kicking and screaming, FBT is dragged back into Alma’s world. Fear FBT’s review of FEAR 2.

Alma. I’d tried to forget her but … I’ll never get over a dead little girl following me. F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin delves deeper into Alma’s history and the ATC corporation that created her, but … didn’t FEAR stand for ‘First Encounter Assault Recon’? A team dedicated to investigating supernatural events; why go back to Alma? Evil corporation kept an immensely powerful psychic in a coma while impregnating her to fine-tune her abilities in more compliant offspring then let her starve to death locked in a vault only to watch her spirit wreak horrific revenge. How’s about we chalk that up as unsolved and move on? Investigate Nessie. Bigfoot? Unicorns! Anything but Alma. I’m not scared, you’re scared.

Starting just as the original FEAR ends, we’re in boots of Becket, part of a new Delta Force detachment called Dark Signal. Yeah, that’s not foreboding. DS is sent to extract Ms Aristide, the head of ATC who were behind Project Origin – which gave us Alma; we should be scared, but worryingly, the fun-size devil’s brief appearance at the beginning makes this look a lot like a Hollywood remake of a Japanese horror classic.

As the wise-cracking/tough-as-nails/cliché Dark Signal make their way to Aristide’s penthouse, we’re attacked by a black ops team who want Aristide themselves. The fights aren’t to be taken lightly, but it’s not as thrilling as the original Replica soldiers, who -ironically for clones- had more personality than those Black Ops, behaving like typical shooter enemies. Beckett doesn’t have bullettime like F.E.AR’s Pointman, but he does act like he’s played a lot of Call of Duty. This is a basic CoD clone with some horror themes thrown in – lights turn off, doors mysteriously open/slam but nothing happens; the original FEAR never lied to you, Unknown Signal was like the Jaws theme; no dun-dun, no shark. Your imagination did the rest. But this time we’re just running and gunning, not creeping and scared of our own shadow. But once Pointman’s nuclear explosion hits, Beckett’s not in CoD anymore, Toto.

We awake to find Becket on an operating table and most of his squad eviscerated. The Black Ops team save us from ATC’s experiments by rocking up to kill us, and as we fight our way out, Becket ends up imbued with the same abilities Pointman had – as in bullettime and the interest of Alma; well, more interest since she was knocking about from the get-go, which doesn’t make a lot of sense unless Alma now has foresight – she does have other powers now though; she can now summon tendrils from hell and her eyes glow; before, Alma was just a little girl with a blank, emotionless face; that was scary – this Alma is the monster from a straight-to-VOD horror movie. In Fear, seeing her get up close and personal with her tormentors or hearing her blood-curdling screams as her babies were taken away said a lot more about Alma’s rage and how much we ought to fear her than a reenactment of Sarah’s dream from T2. Worse, Alma’s appearances are reduced to pointless jump-scares or she’s acting like a mission marker – in the original she had a purpose, she was curious, now she’s a pop-up reminder; yes, this is FEAR. It isn’t.

As he fights through the ATC lab, Becket’s set upon by the Replicas in their proving grounds; which seems to be there just to re-familiarise ourselves with Bullettime. Which doesn’t seem as necessary as it did in the original; half the time I forget to use it. And when it’s not Black Ops or the Replica forces it’s disfigured test subjects skittering about, turning F2 into a horror shooter; although Becket can only manage two weapons, keep the shotgun handy for close encounters. Later, we meet phantoms able to control corpses and people driven mad by Alma’s power which turns F2 into a zombie shooter too; the original FEAR was criticised for its minimal villains and repetitive locations and F2 does try to change it up – locations are more varied too, including a school where the team discovers ATC were experimenting on the kids to heighten their psi abilities. While the school mission is a creepy highlight, it’s secrets come across as a bit half-baked story-wise; both Becket and team-mate Keegan went to this school, presumably explaining Alma’s early interest but all I can think is; is there anything ATC aren’t involved in?

Talking of getting involved, Alma’s interest in Becket turns into a crush once they’re on the same psychic wavelength, and she begins to take on a more attractive look to woo him. If Becket’s backstory seems hackneyed, Alma going full-Lolita feels really off. Alma may be rage incarnate, but she was as much a victim as victimiser, so to suddenly sex her up adds an uncomfortable but vulnerable aspect that blows the whole character wide-open – only to immediately fumble it; are we scared or sorry for her? We don’t entertain the idea of loving her, so which is it? The game is never sure, but to give Alma emotions she doesn’t understand should make me extremely nervous – a girl’s first crush is frightening enough but this girl can kill you with her brain. Yet Becket just silently plays hard to get. It could really have changed F2, there’s instantly all sorts of ways their relationship could have gone and so many ways it could have ended, but it’s just a sexier version of Alma we run screaming from and the few times you do feel a pang of sympathy for her, the game doesn’t. Becket did suffer at ATC’s hands too, they have that in common but sexy Alma, her hair covering the naughty bits, makes no sense since she forces herself on him anyway – she doesn’t crave his affection, just his naughty bits. it just takes on a very uncomfortable titillation feel and it would have made more sense if she’s remained scrawny since Becket’s resistance meant nothing to her. Does she have feelings or not? Alma’s interest also causes Keegan to start acting jealously, implying Alma had been trying it on with him but turned her attention to me instead. Can’t blame her for that; hate the game not the gamer.

The whole Dark Signal thing doesn’t really come into its own either – it seemed to imply we were all proto-Pointman, being field-tested but once Becket gets upgraded it all goes away and they’re reduced to standard NCPs. We only really gang up when one has to meet a grisly Alma-end, the rest of the time Becket’s alone due to contrived reasons. While Keegan suffers the most, and it implies he and Becket are close it just doesn’t go anywhere, alongside the possible interest Becket stokes in Stokes, the token tough chick on the crew. I expected Alma to pick up on their mutual interest and get into a scrap with her, but no and this emotional disconnect is largely down to the insistence on keeping Becket a silent hero; his best bud is getting tortured by a ghost that wants to get jiggy with him and he’s got side-chick Stokes on the go but he still can’t muster an opinion. But he does have an idea. A really bad one. Aristide has a way for Becket to take on Succubus Alma once and for all. Date night!

Thing is, if you told me in the first game I’d being going one-on-one with Alma, I’d quit, turn off the PC then burn my house down to be sure. But in F2, I’m just not that bothered; it makes Alma a threat we’re expected to meet; something you never, ever wanted in FEAR – That scene where the vault opens and her emaciated, deathly form walks out was heart-stopping, but here we are watching her approach and it’s not scary; Alma stops being frightening when you imagine her with a health bar, and no red-blooded marine is going to turn down a naked hot chick – the game doesn’t even create a situation where Becket leads her on to trap her, least then you’d be nervously waiting for her reaction to ‘it’s not you it’s me’, but at the last second F2 drops that in favour of a standard mano-a-mano with Keegan who we don’t care about, while the game resolves Alma’s needs in a really uncomfortable way. One thing about FEAR 2’s ending, neither you nor Becket saw that coming.

FEAR 2 is a technically good game – there’s a huge amount of shooting, complex levels and it’s intense; it keeps you on your toes. And your fingers; there’s a lot of classic mid-noughties button mashing to get things out of your face. But it’s only Alma’s shenanigans to separate this from any other military shooter. The oddest thing is this is from Monolith, usually a crackingly good developer with an eye for subverting the genres they explore. Keep the ATC as an X-Files secret government and Aristide as the Smoking Man if you like, but FEAR should have been a great supernatural shooter series with each game featuring new nasties to overcome. Then little Alma would have remained a great amongst gaming’s villains; SHODAN, GLaDOS, Andrew Ryan – compelling one-off villains you develop just a sliver of compassion for.

Stick to the original, it knows your fears, where as Fear2 is just Call of Duty: Alma. Played in Zombie mode. It even drops young Alma once sexy Alma appears, and there’s nothing scarier than a little girl that’s up to something – never thought I’d admit this, but I miss Little Alma.

The DLC F.E.A.R. 2: Reborn is an effective little shooter that makes zero sense. A Replica solider is activated and sent to find FEAR 1’s Fettel. Alma then takes control of his brothers and the various ghosties to stop him. Why? It’s not really clear, and I assumed it provided the explanation for Fettel’s rebirth in Fear 3, but it doesn’t. Why not have Alma task the Replica with trapping Becket for her? The main game could have included a scene where Becket disappears and we play a DLC as Keegan for a while – it could have explained more of Keegan’s Alma-crush before Becket pops up refusing to talk about it, but of course this is just a quickie DLC that adds nothing but a few quid to WB’s coffers. Avoid.

2009 | Developer; Monolith Productions | Publisher; Warner Bros. Games

Genre; shooter, FPS, horror

Platforms; Win | PS3 | X360

Borderlands

an Agree To Disagree review

TheMorty and FBT take very different trips to Pandora.

While TheMorty gets robbed by the locals and leaves a negative review on TripAdvisor, FBT comes back with a Claptrap figurine and a tattoo from Mad Moxxi.

Vault Hater – TheMorty

Borderlands. Bore-derlands more like. Never have I played a game with so much promise that delivered so little. For a game given a sequel, a pre-sequel and a TellTale spin-off, it must be good, right? At the time of release, there was only really the Fallout series in terms of post-apocalyptic RPGs and Borderlands offered a comedic alternative where you could just have a blast. I was full of hope. Not just from the fast-paced, hell-for-leather trailer detailing an hilarious, action packed comedy, but this was in FBT’s top 5 of all time! What higher honour could be bestowed upon a title? Sadly, the slow and repetitive gameplay, the uninventive antagonists and a variety of weapons that you simply couldn’t use was a major let down and made Borderlands less of a gore-fest and more of a snore-fest.

The game starts with giving you four seemingly great characters to choose from. Your friendly bus driver gives you some god-awful advice that brute force won’t cut it in Pandora and you must be smart. So, I figured, okay, I’ll pass on the walking tank, the hot-shot sniper, the jack-of-all-trades soldier and go for Lillith. The girl who’s about stealth and whose special power is to Phasewalk to go invisible. What. A. Mistake. I had made such an error and by the time I realised how bad her power was, I was hours in and couldn’t stomach a re-start. Borderlands is not a stealth game and what I had was essentially a twilight-tween who glittered whenever trouble was near. In arena type battles her power was useless and put me at a serious disadvantage. By the time I realised how maniacal the game was, it was too late. I needed brawns not brains and I was stuck getting battered like a cod.

Borderlands is so generic with the character choice that bar that one special ability, the differences between who you play as are irrelevant. Sure, there’s the odd one-liner and the QuickTime of you getting in and out of a tank, but otherwise there’s nothing that showcases personality or that tailors the gameplay to the character you choose. The replay value really is minimal. Take Lilith, she’s portrayed as the sexy siren, but not once does she use her beauty or allure to get results and without the 3rd person view of her scantily-clad design, you might as well be playing as Princess Peach. To put it bluntly, would you play a first-person Tomb Raider? No. Because that’s just Mirror’s Edge and no-one wants to play Mirror’s Edge.

Something else that hacked me off was the lack of game saving ability. Sure, there’s a Save option, in which you can bank your XP whenever you quit out. But be warned, the next time you load you’ll be back at the beginning of the level and all the enemies will have re-spawned (oh, and they’ll also have levelled up, just to make it a bit more inconvenient). I lost count of how many times it got to 2am and I was still battling past hordes of henchmen trying desperately to complete the level just so that I could finally get some kip before getting up at 6 to go to work the next day. Borderlands isn’t a game you can just dive in and out of, having a quick 30mins blast to kill some time here and there. Playing Borderlands is a slog in which setting aside nothing less than an entire day to play will cut it. Traversing through a wasteland for hours just to ensure that you get to that heavenly safe spot coveted more than Pandora’s Vault itself is really your true goal – just to avoid tediously re-doing the same level all over again the next time you pick up the controller. While that’s not something new in gaming and you’d expect it from Destiny or any online session game, it’s far too much for an offline Role-Playing Shooter that marketed itself on being “Fun”. The beauty of games like Bulletstorm is that you can dive in, have a blast for as long as you want and then quit out. With Borderlands, it just feels like more work than it’s worth.

Its not just the characters that are one-dimensional, the missions are too and often you find yourself in a state of repetition, having to clear the same areas again and again. Meeting residents of Pandora that give you the same old mission time and time again…

Dr Zed: Alright mate, I need you to kill this bloke in Skag Gully, Nine-Toes

Me [4hs later, tired, covered in blood, all ammo spent]: It’s done.

Dr Zed: Thanks, have a crappy pistol from the vending machine.

Me: You’re kidding… That’s it? What’s the next mission?

Dr Zed: Can you get me this key?

Me: Okay, sure. Where is it?

Dr Zed: Skag Gully

Me: Oh FFS!

Worst part of it is that when you eventually Kill Nine-Toes for Zed, he has the audacity to demand that I buy HIM a drink? The cheeky bas-

There’s 87 bazillion guns apparently, at least that’s according to the sticker on the box. Though, you can only carry a handful. The best of which you can’t use until you level up another 20 times so best to sell everything you find. Meaning that you’re essentially a scrap man, trawling around the streets in your van asking the residents of Pandora if they’ve any old iron. If not, kill a few Skaggs and you’ll find they’ve swallowed a gun that can be ground down and sold for next to nowt. It goes on and on and on, constantly exploring the same bit of map where all you get is guns you can’t use and the same villains to put down. Think it’s a good money-spinner? Think again, it’s rare you’ll survive without a respawn or two which, naturally, takes a tax on your hard-earned cash. The more you have, the more you’re taxed meaning you don’t really get a great deal out of playing the boring missions. Literally, just XP.

The comedy’s decent, I’ll give you that and the comic-book style of gameplay was certainly unique on its release. However, if you’re looking for a cross between Fallout and Bulletstorm, you’ll be disappointed. It’s more Starship Troopers meets Beyond Thunderdome where giant insects and overtly camp topless dwarves in hockey masks run amuck. Maybe one day I’ll dive in, play as Brick and enjoy it, or maybe I won’t. One things for sure, not only are the titles in my Top 5 safe as houses, it’s not even troubling those in my Top 50.

Vault Hunter – FBT

Borderlands separates the men from the claptraps. It’s a leveller, a palate cleaner (with bleach), a reset on every game that ever put a gun in your hand. Go big or go home.

The best way to play Borderlands is the way the raiders in Borderlands play Borderlands – run straight at an enemy laughing. It’s designed to be played with a death wish, every encounter a breathless Second Wind followed by a ‘fuck that was close’. Try playing it like Fallout and you’ll be back at a cloning station quicker than you can say ‘now come on, that was just unfair’. It’s a RPG for those who don’t give a shit – once you get your head out of the RPG space, Borderlands becomes something very special. There’s side-quests and a larger story but really, you’re after fame and riches. TheMorty can sit there planning his approach – do you have a good spread of weapons, are all the elements covered, what kind of shield do you have – and I’ll launch myself into the fray like Leroy Jenkins.

Having a quick save just removes all that intensity; saving is for pussies and it’s about the visceral moment not incremental baby-steps. The creatures only respawn once a day; if you get put back at the beginning and they’re back too, you’re too slow. Borderlands is head-long or head-off. It’s all in the reflexes – you’re Jack Burton and you’ll not get through it without a hefty dose of bravado. A couple of skags aren’t going to stop us. Unless you’re TheMorty

No character? Your lead isn’t lacking in personality, they’re lacking in morals. Lilith often dissolves into giggles after kills or asks “that was it? Well it acted tough”, and she pays no attention to anyone’s plight – even the mission-givers are selfish, like Scooter asking you to save a guy so he can kill him later (he “ruined my mama’s girl parts”) or people stiffing you on the reward – everyone’s out for themselves and life is cheap.

Even money’s cheap. The counter goes up to $9,999,999 and you still earn more. It’s everywhere. Sure, it’s galling to get charged a mill after getting offed because bullshit, but it doesn’t actually matter – there’s nothing to buy except bullets and medkits and they’re like $40. Only cowards buy guns. Play the gun-hand you’re dealt and dig up something better. There’s a bazillion weapons, another bigger, better, madder gun is just around the corner letting you evolve your approach, and winning a high-powered corrosive revolver, a rapid-fire sniper or a rocket-firing shotgun keeps the battles fresh and gets you excited about the next fight; I wanna shoot something with that! Both weapons and missions are locked by XP, so stop fannying about and go out there and get some level-ups. They represent confidence; soon you’re laughing at the Skag Pups you ran from a few hours ago – now you’re facing huge Elemental Alpha Skags like they’re no big thing (They’re always a big thing but the mad fight and huge XP bump is worth the blood). Start building your skill tree, find some brutal weapons and go from Welp to Warrior, pushing until even Lilith can punch out a skag without breaking a sweat.

How can I even be friends with TheMorty, slagging off my girlfriend like that? Lilith is a beauty to behold and to play. She’s not stealth, creeping about like a wuss is not going to impress Lilith. Her phasewalk is only for retreating at first; she is under-powered early on, but that just forces you on the offensive. Get in there, get her hands dirty and once her skill tree start to warm up? Whoa. She goes from Valley Girl to Sarah Connor faster that you can say “I have angel-wings that set people on fire as I pass by?” Lilith’s phasewalk starts killing people, she can strike while invisible, enter and exit with elemental powers, absorb bullets and shot them faster; all automatically – she’s brutal. She’s the most constantly evolving, rewarding lead in a shooter I might have ever played; if you come out swinging instead of sneaking. You become a God, instead of just shooting more bullets than everyone else.

Borderlands is for the fearless, but it’s also just for fun. Once you start seeking out the worst that Pandora has to offer, you really get into the lawless, Tom & Jerry tone of it. Whereas Dark Souls thinks it’s funny to kill you, Borderlands lets you die laughing. You’re not saving the world like in a regular RPG, you’re looking to own it. TheMorty says Borderlands would never land in his top 50. I’m betting he’d never survive level 50 (let alone Mad Moxxi). I could go on but this response is longer than he lasted in Skag Gully. And that’s just the tutorial area; let’s not even tell him about Playthrough 2.

2009 | Developer Gearbox Software | Publisher 2K Games

genres; shooter, RPG, Sci-Fi

platforms; Win, X360, PS3

Gun

A Blast from the Past review

FBT saddles up and other clichés as he rides out to tame the wild west.

The Past

When it comes to free-roam, the wild west is perfect for making your own trails; if the buffalos roam why not gamers? But if you say ‘Western free-roam’ aloud, tumbleweeds pass by. Westerns had always been an underdog in gaming, mashed into other genres while pure Westerns usually fall into caricature-driven silliness. Red Dead Redemption was perfect yet still failed to spur a serious resurgence in the genre. Western games just never got over Custer’s Revenge. And then there was Gun.

Released dead-centre of the free-roam explosion of the mid-00’s, Gun was set in the vile west of revisionist western cinema; its brutality earned Gun a BBFC 18 and it exemplified Leone’s description of a western; “where life has no value”. It was a proper wild west experience, William Munny not Roy Rogers and I loved it. I think. I can’t remember much about it other than the violence and a lot of riding but I’d swear Gun was the real west while still hitting all the western beats. Time to yeehaw through the wild west again.

Still a Blast?

Gun’s menu is so western I expect ‘Technicolor’ and ‘Panavision’ to appear while someone yells ‘Rawhide!’ Sweeping plains, buffalos roaming, a stirring score; open and vast, it immediately looks epic. So does the voice cast. Any star who can pull off a moustache is in this – Ron Perlman, Lance Henriksen, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Skerritt, Brad Dourif; all of them at their Marlboro Man best (No Sam Elliott? How’d they miss him?!), while our hero is earthily voiced by Thomas Jane. I’m excited to be a cowboy! Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’.

We are tracker Cole, who, along with his grizzled Pa, boards a Steamboat to collect payment for the animals we shot during a tutorial mission. Once aboard, a prostitute pal of Pa’s gets an axe in the head and the boat is overrun. With the men closing in, Pa tells Cole he’s not his Pa after all and then ignores a chance to escape in favour of making Cole promise to reach Dodge City and visit a prostitute. Pa had his priorities right to the end.

After saving Pa’s back-up prostitute from some impatient types in a gunfight, Cole honours Pa’s memory and sleeps with her. In return, she tells us to reach Empire City, but first we have to defend bowing, rice-hat wearing Chinese workers from howling pissed-off in’juns while they finish a bridge connecting Dodge to Empire. This being a free-roamer, I ignore their plight in favour of getting to know Dodge.

Well that didn’t take long. There’s not much to know really, a saloon where you can get battered at poker (you can cheat, but it doesn’t help this greenhorn) and side-distractions like Wanted posters; capturing the renegades Alive nets more gold than Dead but it’s not easy and they often have cohorts making it hard to not kill them during the fight. Elsewhere there’s the Pony Express where you deliver goods within a set time, but those I quickly give up on thanks to my untrusty steed. Horses in Gun are quite hardy and fast in a straight-line, but they turn like a cruise ship and can get disorientating when you’re swivelling Cole one way and the horse turns another. You can also work with the Marshall to take care of various trouble-makers in town. All those give you gold and add to your reputation, making Cole better at riding, quick-draw etc., so they’re worth doing. Except the Pony Express.

Having exhausted all to do in Dodge I go help secure the bridge. As I fight off waves of American Indians I use quick-draw to shoot dynamite out of the air, stop them tomahawking the workers, generally live out my cowboys vs Indians childhood fantasy, if I’d been born in a time when cultural sensitives weren’t a thing. The game did generate a fair bit of controversy around its depiction of American Indians and Activision’s (Not An) Apology was insulting; “we apologize to any who might have been offended by the game’s depiction of historical events which have been conveyed not only through video games but through films, television programming, books and other media”. To deflect it as nothing we’ve not seen before is the EXACT problem; you’re perpetuating an outdated view from a simplistic and one-sided viewpoint – even in 2005 we knew that image was grossly inaccurate and offensive, and it’s inexcusable because a character comments they’re attacking because the bridge is in their territory; so … they’re right to defend themselves then? The bridge stays with me for the rest of the game, hoping it’ll be justified later but it isn’t, and when you consider the clichéd appearance of the Chinese railway workers, Gun takes on an unpleasant, outdated tone.

Equally unpleasant and outdated is the portrayal of women. There’s only one which has a more than incidental appearance, a prostitute who’s gratuitously murdered. Elsewhere there’s Pa’s prostitute with the axe in her head, a prostitute on wanted posters (who will be ‘castrated’ on capture) and most female NCPs are prostitutes, pacing around in their underwear. We do meet two home-maker wifey types – both of whom get shot – and interact with a couple of nagging Southern-Belle types. That’s it. The male characters though are richly characterised and most were based on real-world cowboys (in name only, their real-life exploits were far more entertaining than Gun’s interpretation) – there have been a few notable women in the old west, just ask Doris Day. There’s no reason they couldn’t have found a place for an equal-footed female, yet not one plot-related woman survives.

The game itself has aged about as well as its treatment of women. The world just isn’t as vast as I recalled – there’s convenient cliffs and less convenient invisible borders stopping you roaming the bare and basic environment and there’s no real exploration; only two or three routes between the two cities which feel like a TV backlot rather than the old west, and there’s nothing in-between them. You can work as a ranch-hand for a local farmer, corralling cattle and the like – it’s a nice little side-mission and a great example of RPG that Gun could have done with more of. It’s just a whole lot of nothing. The game also constantly reminds you to go finish the main mission, like you were otherwise distracted. There’s also an American Indian who asks us to kill local wildlife pestering his tribe, but about the only other thing to do is annoy the locals; running over townsfolk with your horse or shooting/stabbing them causes the town to lose patience (Literally, you get a patience meter) and assemble a posse to go after you; for which there’s quick-draw, an old-west bullet-time. Gunfights are fairly straightforward but a macabre element is Cole can also scalp wounded enemies. Originally, he’d sell scalps to the Apaches, but it was removed pre-release (wouldn’t want to appear insensitive). So it just remains a compulsion of Cole’s. Who has other problems.

The biggest problem with Gun is Cole himself. He’s not for or against the American Indians, he’s indifferent towards them. They’re just between him and his revenge so it’s okay? Later Cole is excused for the bridge scene after saving some American Indians from slavery – which he did utterly by accident. Besides that, he’s boring to play; he never instigates or drives anything, just reacts. He’s not the man with no name, he’s the man with no idea. Less Shane, more lame. Not Josey Wales, it’s Josey fails. He’s not even Woody. When we first meet Cole, he’s napping; our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

Anyway, turns out a railroad boss is searching for a lost city of gold. Pa had a clue to the city hence his murder, so it’s off to avenge Pa, find the gold and help the Apaches regain their land. Well, that bit just happens by accident again. Along the way Cole finds out he has a little Indian in him – bet you feel bad about the bridge now, dontcha. No? No reaction; it’s frustrating that mid-way through Cole goes Dances With Wolves for the wrong reasons; he ends up working with the Indians by accident, not because of his heritage, or any deeper understanding of their plight but because they are looking to bring down the Rail Baron too (and need a white saviour to do it). All that to explore and we’re concerned with a city of gold? We’re playing the plot to Lone Ranger and the Lost City of Gold (1958) and it has the same dated red-in’jun killin’ and misogyny.

It’s hard to render an incredibly contentious period in America’s history comfortably, but because cowboys vs Indians has been normalised and the image trivialised, it somehow still seems okay; you’d not get a game where a Slave owner puts down thirty slaves for revolting and I’m sure in years to come, more than a few games and a lot of movies featuring ‘the middle east’ as an enemy will start to feel a little uncomfortable on retro-revisits; yet I bet we’re still shootin’ in’juns. I’m beginning to see why most westerns are something else-terns; sci-fi westerns, cyber-punk westerns, horror-westerns; no one gets offended by the misrepresentation of a zombie.

I hadn’t realised how small Gun really is; small in scale and small-minded. It’s not the game I recall on any level; I think my memory of disappearing into a western is because there wasn’t anything else like this then. To be fair, almost all the missions – as far as a game experience goes, are fun – the Bridge battle included; shooting dynamite out of the air, charging a fort, doing train robberies, quickdraws, defending stagecoaches is going to awaken the little cowboy in anyone. As to its tone – the voice cast, the violence, set-pieces and plotting, it’s clear Gun intended to be a mature, serious game and those were the politics and realities of the time – that a tracker from the mountains isn’t going to view the American Indians as anything but a threat and women were second class citizens. The characters can have those opinions, but the game can’t, not when we’re the hero; playing it is a lot different to excusing some old western as ‘of its time’. Gun’s heart might be in the right place but its head was scalped.

2005 | Developer Neversoft | Publisher Activision

platforms; Win | PS2 | X360

Road Redemption

A SECOND WIND REVIEW

FBT returns to Road Rash with the ‘spiritual successor’ Road Redemption. They don’t make them like they used to.

Road Redemption sprung from a Kickstarter project to remake Road Rash. Over the next few years, via Steam’s Greenlight and early-access, Pixel Dash Studios and EQ-Games attempted to fashion not just a game, but a return to those times. But this isn’t quite how I remember it.

Road Rash was awesome; a titan in the classic era of mayhem on the roads – alongside Carmageddon, Driver, the Madness series and the original GTA, RR was morally wrong and beyond fun, one of those early nineties games that got the Daily Mail in a tizz and we all loved because it got the Daily Mail in a tizz. You know a game is good when the first thing you recall about it was running over grannies. The ‘clunk’ when you hit someone with a bat – the bat you’d just taken off them, then kicked them into a passing car. Taking out the cops and running over de-biked opponents. Getting thrown off your bike and skidding for miles before getting run over yourself. Making your way up the ranks, from Rat Bike to Super Bike. Road Redemption attempts to recapture those days. Ballsy.

This time around, instead of an illegal street race, there’s something of a purpose. Like we need one. But it’s a great, sly nod to those text explanations at the start of Doom, giving you vague justifications and context then letting you lose. Or maybe it’s just daft; a mysterious biker has offed the leader of a local bike gang, who then post a huge bounty on his head. As he races through various biker gangs’ patches, they mount up, hoping to catch the bounty. Naturally, it degenerates into everyone kicking holy hell out of each other to get the bounty first.

Set-up aside, it’s familiar ground. Arcade in style, we get a basic bike and start at the back then race to reach the flag, placing in the top three to gain money and XP which we use to upgrade and stand a better chance of surviving the next leg. As each sequence progresses, we get more weapons, and occasionally different tasks like taking out the leader of a rival gang. Dying means you lose it all and have to start at the beginning of the chase, which is one throwback too far.

Road Redemption isn’t a slick game with retro roots, it’s dated; referencing the past is one thing, releasing a contemporary game that plays like it is risky – the bike handles like shit. You never get a sense of weight, grip or tolerance from it, never gauge how it’ll corner, how it’ll react or how far to push it; it practically just slides from left to right. If you come to a dead-stop after hitting something, you have to reverse to get free and it has the turning circle of a super-tanker not a superbike; or you can pause, go into the main menu and pick ‘put me back on the road’ – both are a faff that take you from 1st to 12th in no time. Breaking is too slow to have any chance of avoiding collisions, which are a crapshoot when it comes to outcomes; the game physics are insanely unpredictable. Hitting something either stops you, bounces you across (if not off) the map or separates you from the bike and kills you. And there’s a lot to pile into; dead ends, drops, hills, cliffs, houses, cars, plus falling off buildings, bridges, the edge of ramps and random things like rocks and other obstacles are everywhere – you can’t put this many accidents-waiting-to-happen in a game where left and right are more of a metaphorical choice. You unlock better bikes as you go, but ‘better’ is largely subjective. They look better. Back in the day, the wonky physics led to such unintentional hilarity it was worth losing pole position, but this game puts so much stock in winning, it’s a frustration when it costs you huge bonuses and forces you to restart.

The controls are messy too. Our biker can be armed with up to four different weapons, ranging from OTT blunt weapons and swords as well as explosives and machine guns, but you have to specify which side to attack on; yet the kick button auto-targets whoever’s nearest so why can’t he auto-swing too and save a button? It would work if he could hilariously dual-wield but it’s just one key too many; you need to use a blunt weapon to knock off armour before switching to something stabby – if you just clout them, they take a lot longer to go down, and our rider can’t sustain the blows he’s taking from all sides – especially when you also have to block as well; you’re swinging left, right, kicking, blocking, switching and trying to keep the grip-less bike on the road while swamped by riders who constantly land perfect hits and control their bikes like pros. Plus, reverse and break are different keys too? It tries to be tactical but loses the recklessness of the original by over-complicating the experience. Games like those should be stripped back, leaving you to just react and get caught up in the mayhem. As you progress the layouts change from desert wilderness to inner-city and there’s secrets and shortcuts, but the environment looks like something from a decade ago; it’s not unpleasant, just bare.

The biggest let down though is the lack of vehicular homicide. There’s no pedestrians. That was the best part and not including it is the final nail; the original was a giggle-some mad dash to the next city, a biker’s Cannonball Run but there was also the bar everyone met in, the silly photoshopped faces; the daftness of Road Rage is missing – and so is its spirit. I’d forgive Road Redemption’s flaws if it was half as naughty, half as nuts as the original.

At least … that’s what most of the other reviews of Road Redemption have been saying. And at first I was much the same.

Thing is, there is a move toward rediscovering old games, celebrating their simplicity and commitment to just providing a good time. For every smug, bloated CoD there’s some once-forgotten game doing gangbusters on GOG.com, a rediscovery courtesy of Night Dive Studios, a nod to the era like Miami Takedown or a reboot by the original devs like Carmageddon Regeneration. You can’t moan about Redemption not being finessed, it came from Kickstarter. There’s games out there that are even more backward than this and they’re from major publishers; and unlike them, the Road Redemption crew interacted with fans, revealed plans and most importantly, took ideas and feedback on board. Name a AAA game that opens not with their smug logo but an open invite to stream their game on Twitch (and warn about musicID)? Or offers you a second game for free as a thank you? They made this the best they could and it’s made by people like me, for people like me so STFU and just enjoy it;

Redemption is hella fun. Sure, most of the complaints are valid, but get your eye in and it becomes a work of messy art, a pure Jackson Pollock to Infinity Ward’s advanced but soulless 3D-Printing. The crashes are sometimes so insanely spectacular it’s like the one good scene in Matrix Reloaded out on the highway. It’s so random, so free-for-all there’s countless opportunities for mayhem, and many just randomly happen – it’s a game than demands you have fun with it; when’s the last time you had a racing game that included power-ups like grappling your bike to a passing helicopter, or outfitting it with a jetpack? What about a race where cars fall from the sky? Come on! This is gold; the silliness is there, you’re supposed to have a laugh and remember the good old days when we didn’t take video games all that seriously. How can you claim it’s not up to AAA standard when all we do is moan about over-marketed, under-produced, for-the-masses guff they churn out? Can’t have it both ways and Redemption is the way I wanna go. It’s a really fun, daft, outrageous game; it’s not Road Rash, it’s Road Redemption – yeah I miss toddling back to my bike and the 90s in general but can’t have everything. If it just let us knock over grannies, it’d be perfect.

2017 | Developer/ Publisher; Pixel Dash Studios & EQ Games

Platforms; Win, PS4, XO

Alien Isolation

A SECOND WIND REVIEW

FBT plucks up the courage to play Alien Isolation. You have my sympathies.

Insanity is repeating the same event and expecting a different outcome. But it’s always tail-gutting, claw-shredding, inner-jaw death. ‘This time, I won’t get killed’. You will. Alien Isolation should be called Alien Insanity; it is death on repeat and, at the risk of being insensitively glib, playing it is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Fifteen years after the Nostromo disappeared, it’s flight recorder turns up at Sevastopol Space Station. Weyland-Yutani sends a ship to retrieve it, and invites Amanda Ripley to go along and gain some closure on her missing mom – but she and a couple of W-Y suits arrive to find Sevastopol damaged and drifting. During an ill-advised spacewalk, Ripley is separated and enters the ship alone. Only she’s not alone.

Isolation bleeds not only the original’s atheistic but also the era. 20th Century Fox’s logo is a fuzzy, played-too-often VHS image and Sega’s is rendered like the green monitors (humourless AMD keep their logo shiny and HD). The menu background is a huge planet surrounded by the blackness of space, a speck of a ship orbiting while the text is in the original font and the music a rework of Silvestri’s original score. I am in Alien. There’s that nodding bird, the padded walls, the clicky buttons, huge passkeys, CRT monitors. Although Sevastopol is in ruins it’s not the Marie Celeste; occasionally we see people. They never stop to talk though. Or stop running. I wonder why.

Creeping along, we find locked doors and items that require things we don’t have, suggesting this isn’t linear and we’re going to be doing some backtracking. Nope, not doing that, I’m getting my closure and getting out. Ripley doesn’t know about the Starbeast but she’s hesitant, muttering to herself and scared; a twenty-something grease-monkey, Junior is reminiscent of the rebooted Lara but more consistent; she doesn’t switch from blubbering Lambert in cut-scenes to Ripley in-game. She’s shit-scared throughout and so are we . Although we don’t learn a great deal about her as a character, we gather she’s never given up on looking for her mother, and the pain of not knowing her fate drives Jnr. Right now I suspect the pain she’s focused on is backache. I’ve never crouched so much in my life. Thank God the Crouch button toggles otherwise I’d pull a muscle in my finger.

Eventually we meet a tetchy local who explains the horrible truth – which we bought this game for. The ship that found the black box backtracked Nostromo’s route to LV-426, hoping for some prize salvage and … Yup. Arriving at the station, they asked for medical assistance and we can guess the rest but the local insists on taking us on a tutorial tour. He explains that the ‘Working Joes’ -android caretakers- suddenly started preventing people from escaping or sending distress calls (Ohho) and survivors became unstable while trying to protect themselves from a ‘monster’ stalking the station. Can I crouch any lower?

When I do pop up to take in the surroundings, I’m reminded of Bioshock. The Sevastopol has the ‘used future’ feel but also Rapture’s rotting, uncared-for look, with (ironic) health & safety posters and corporate propaganda on the walls; the departure boards all say ‘cancelled’ – it’s got that abandoned, trapped feel like there’s no (Hadley’s) hope of escaping. Then there’s the exploration element, the hacking and crafting plus we contend with Bioshock Splicers in the panicked human survivors, and the Joes are like Big Daddys, harmless unless provoked and doing so risks death. But if they’re the Daddy, what’s the Alien? Please don’t say it’s a Queen.

So, as the local finishes his tutorial and his exposition, we realise we’re trapped, have to contend with hostile androids, insane humans and HOLY SHIT A FRICKING ALIEN. Its first appearance is (thankfully) a cutscene that lets you in on the horror gently. Too late. The cutscene over, we’re right where the Alien was. It’s coming back. F’ing run!

Kane’s Son isn’t just a tough little son of a bitch, it can’t be killed; if the keyboard and mouse would reach, I’d be playing this from behind the sofa. It’ll patrol around, sometimes you’ll just hear it and sometimes you’ll see it. And you’ll always be paralysed, dumb-stuck, in denial that it’s actually there, in front of you. If you do snap out of it in time, you have seconds to find a hiding spot and wait, wondering if it’s really gone or will reappear like it popped back for its keys. You quickly flick on your motion sensor and gingerly step out. Then back in; give it a minute. What’s worse than seeing a shark’s fin while swimming? Seeing it disappear. You know it’s still there, but where, and that unknowing becomes unbearable. You slowly build up the courage to – Oh shit it’s here! Don’t run it can hear you. Where’s the tiptoe button? I don’t wanna crouch I’m moving too slow. Did it follow me in, maybe it didn’t notice me, I can’t hear it, okay I’ll just take a peek to see – waa! The Alien is relentless and the experience exhilarating, terrifying – it is. And isn’t.

The Xeno slithers out of the vents like a snake, then stalks around, checking and searching while you stare, frozen, trying to work out an escape. It provokes the most preternatural fear-response I’ve ever known; I’m almost relived when I get killed, it’s a break from the tension. And this is where I get a bit conflicted. Xeno is the office cold – no matter what you do, who you avoid, you’re gonna get it eventually; I never stop being terrified, but I get used to the sensation – slowly you start accepting it’s gonna get you. It becomes an inevitable thing to deal with while doing other things; extras to unlock, schematics to build, relevant junk to find, secrets to explore, archive logs to find and crewmember ID tags to collect (Collectibles? Who the hell cares?!) And that’s while dealing with the Working Joes and Humans, tracking down the W-Y suits – who are injured; guess who has to reach the med bay? – not to mention the discovery that (surprise) Weyland-Yutani hasn’t been entirely honest about its intentions. Plus, resolving my mummy issues. Oh, and escaping. While being constantly eaten. I feel like an overtaxed parent, trying to get chores done while my toddler keeps demanding attention. A bitey toddler. In the end, you just suck it up and chance a run, hoping you’ll reach safety but accepting a kill if it means you scoped out what’s ahead. And once you get into that mindset, the Alien isn’t that scary anymore – Okay it’s still terrifying but I just give up and guess which death I’m about to suffer. Being pulled out from under a desk by my feet is a fave. What isn’t a favourite though, is reloading.

Because you can only save at static locations (you can even be killed while saving), getting killed eventually triggers something other than terror – anger. Now I gotta go through all that crap again and because the Alien is entirely unscripted, you can’t anticipate it – which is cool but it means a fresh hell as you retrace your steps. Or don’t even get to take a step – there’s one death where Ripley looks down and sees its tail sticking through her stomach; you didn’t even know it was there. And to make it worse, while you start all over again, the Alien gets to improve. It gets level-ups?!

Each time you win a round of hide and seek, the Alien learns from it. Use distractions too often and it’ll ignore them, hide in the same spots and it’ll realise. Even the tracker starts to attract it. Every edge Ripley gains eventually kills her. Yet she doesn’t have the same learning curve. If it had behaviours, if you could spot quirks (such as Xeno gets enamoured by flashing lights) or routines I could exploit, like it always disappears after feeding then you’d start to feel a bit more confident and use those against it. Imagine being able to lead the Alien to a human so it feasts and leaves you alone for a while. Imagine if you could gain trust then set them up, create bait traps; Jesus, don’t trust me in extreme stress situations. It sounds like I’m trying to bargain for an advantage but it’s not that; hide and seek just isn’t very compelling as a character trait – you survive not by Ripley’s wit or inventiveness but because it didn’t see me. I thought this was Alien not Predator? Who’s got some mud?

Why can’t I hack a Working Joe? The Alien ignores them. Ripley is an engineer, we can kill them, why not reprogramme them? Instead of playing Tag, why isn’t she improving her odds, out-thinking it? She gets better at surviving, but not in the same way the Alien grows more dangerous. It’s just repetitive upgrading her noise makers when you know it’ll become redundant eventually. There’s a couple of story-dependant out-wits but naturally they fail and there’s no reason why the game couldn’t have included free-form attempts at containing it. I keep thinking of the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park; that is Alien Isolation but without the kids’ ingenuity – or a door to escape through, at least until it figures out how to open doors. Instead of building distractions and lobbing flares, why can’t I repair a bulkhead, let it chase me into a trap, sealing it in for a time? It’d be exciting to see if I could make it, if the trap worked or the Alien just escaped, more pissed at me than before. It’s just not tactical enough to keep your interest – even Pacman got to chase the ghosts once in a while.

Ripley just doesn’t rise to the challenge and it becomes depressing dying all the time. She does get a flamethrower but it learns to stay out of range and wait until you turn away. Now what? Why I can’t use the flamethrower to back it into a room and use those deadbolts she finds? Ripley’s so inept at mastering her situation she’d walk past a power loader.

Essentially, Alien Isolation is a one gag game – we’re here to be chased by an Alien and it does that brilliantly, but you’re so insanely focused on Xeno (regardless of if it’s there or not), you never really appreciate the subtleties, the station itself or even the story – which like the Alien, doesn’t know when to quit.

After a good ten hours of gameplay pass, we’re approaching a great ending. Except we’re not. You know how Shawshank ends like 3 times and each ending is better than the last? This isn’t it. I honestly thought I’d finished and triggered the DLCs. After a terrifying, beat-perfect battle it shifts into a completely different, annoying problem-based faff, followed by betrayals, twists, reveals and returns – none of which were necessary even as fan-service – and turns our Lara Croft-a-like into Sandra Bullock in Gravity. It just overstays it’s welcome by a good five hours; that’s too much crouching. More than a few reviews pointed out how much they wanted an alien-free roaming version of the game, just to take in the sheer beauty of the art design and that’s all that’s missing really. If the Alien would get shot just long enough to appreciate the world it’s based in, give you a breather, it would be the perfect game.

But it’s not over yet. The game had a ton of DLC, including two set within the movie, even featuring voices and digitised versions of the cast; ‘Crew Expendable’ reworks the scene where Dallas attempts to drive the creature out of the vents and into the airlock (we can play as Dallas, Ripley or Parker) while the second, ‘Last Survivor’ follows Ripley’s run for the lifeboat. Post-ending DLCs included ‘Corporate Lockdown’ where a Sevastopol-based W-Y employee regrets their career choices; ‘Trauma’ which follows a doctor who realises her research on the Alien could fall into the wrong hands (Like Eric Red’s hands – you read his Alien 3 script?) and must destroy her research before it destroys her, while ‘Safe Haven’ follows a survivor trying to reach their safe room with supplies. The final two DLCs were ‘Lost Contact’ where the local we met at the start tries to survive as the station falls apart while ‘Trigger’ sees you trying to corral the Alien; those two lead up to Ripley’s arrival. While seeing the station pre-riots is interesting, it’s just more crouching and more death. Ripley, signing off.

Putting the Alien encounters aside, there are other issues – too many distractions and padding, and the character animation is so bad I expected Ripley to turn out to be an android. The Joes are annoyances while the humans are there just to provide more obstacles. You can risk luring the Alien to them or use them to distract it – see, told you it was a good idea. But given their desperation to escape, and the fact they can all see Ripley’s ship orbiting outside, you’d think they’d end hostilities; ‘You have a ship? Okay, I’ll stop clubbing you, let’s work together’ – it’s too much Ripley vs everything. Even a bunch of convicts worked together to capture Alien 3 and really, just an Alien is enough to contend with; I would have rather played as the two of us, not getting embroiled in W-T shenanigans and story twists. The DLCs do explore that to be fair though. See, this game has everything. Even free heart-attacks.

Still, in the end, Alien Isolation is a terrific game. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility. It is repetitive but it’s only my fear that causes me to get aggravated with it, get impatient with Ripley. The care, the attention to detail (the Working Joes do Ash’s little warm up jog when idle); it’s extraordinary – you are on the Nostromo in 1979/2137. And the way the Alien just … that thing is real. But, it’s not Ripley Vs Alien, it’s Alien from the POV of its lunch. While I was for killing that goddamn thing right now, the concept of only ever escaping it works brilliantly, and terrifyingly – it’s just not for me; I’m no Ripley, I’m Lambert.

You’d think after their Colonial Marines mishap, Sega would run away from Alien faster than I do, but they let Creative Assembly craft something clever, original and challenging – it’s an hour before you even see the Alien, and it’s not an easy sell; here’s an alien, and you won’t beat it. That’s not the kind of risk you’d expect from a AAA publisher and for that alone Alien Isolation should be played. From the safety of a locker. I am safe in a locker, right?

2014 | Developer Creative Assembly | Publisher SEGA

Platforms; Win, PS3/4, X360/XO

Genres; horror, survival, sci-fi

Max Payne 3

An Agree to Disagree review

FBT and TheMorty need a bullet-time-out arguing over Max Payne 3.

FBT – Needs more painkillers

Max Payne is one of my fave games. Max Payne 2 is one of my fave games. Max Payne 3 is one of my most hated games. Rockstar games usually get it right but this monstrosity is worse than the movie adaption. Least that had Mila Kunis. MP3 doesn’t even have Mona, just me moaning. My main gripe with Max Payne 3 is it’s not a Max Payne game. TheMorty may come up with various nods to the original, argue it’s Max in spirit, that the main plot – Max trying to save a girl – is the Max Payne DNA, that’s it’s a Noir in spirit but no. There’s nothing salvageable here; MP3 is a Call of Duty reskin.

The original was a subtle retelling of the Ragnarök legend in a classic noir setting that played out like a graphic novelization of the actioners we grew up on. The sequel was a more generic shooter but it was all about Max’s survivor’s guilt, and that killing was all he was ever good at. This time Max is a bodyguard working for a shady businessman in Brazil; not exactly a noir setting, I think one of the CoD Modern Warfare series was set there. Okay, that’s a tenuous link but Brazil’s locations, the shanty towns, offices, airports etc. are the bread and butter of CoD, unlike the original’s fleapit hotels and decrepit tenement blocks; the originals seethed with decay and disappointment, reflected Max’s state of mind.

Unlike the originals where Max was a lone man against the world, most of the time in MP3 Max is taking orders from NCPs in flack jackets who look just like Spec Ops guys. He’s not the driver anymore, it’s not a lone wolf, personal mission – a kidnapped Paris Hilton might stir Max, his weakness was always women but in MP3 it doesn’t have to be Max. In the original, Max was an epic anti-hero, depressed and on a death-wish. No one else could do it. This Max is an shooter-cliché, as formulaic and interchangeable as any of CoD’s characters. Name a standout in the CoD series, one who is significantly different to all the others – you can’t, and this Max is just as characterless. If it wasn’t in third person I’d not know I was Max. The original Max was Bruce Willis in his Last Boy Scout days. This Max is Bruce Willis now.

The first was set during a brutal snowstorm, and like the second, took place over one night. MP3 not only takes it’s time, draining that relentless feeling of the originals, but is set during the day. Noir and night, those were key to the Max games, they reflected him; I’m surprised Max isn’t in a Hawaiian shirt. And where the hell are the graphic novel pages? Why instead do we have this horrible double-exposure effect and dialogue flashing on the screen? If the original was Bladerunner, this is the worst of Tony Scott, keeping your attention with epileptic editing and film-stock changes; it doesn’t mean anything. Max is an action hero now; at one stage he hangs off the bottom of a helicopter and shoots down RPGs…

It’s not just me complaining; Max is a moaning old man too – gone are the fatalistic, Bogart one-liners, now he just nonsensically rambles like Homer Simpson’s dad. And when he’s not grumbling, he’s flaying about like he’s on roller-skates. MP3 has a cover system? That’s not Max, that’s CoD; Max goes straight into the bullets – he wants to die, it’s just that no one can stop him. We had shot-dodge and bullettime and that was enough; now we have both of those plus cover, vault, crouch, prone, roll, sprint, 180 turns – I thought he was a creaking burn-out from the NYPD not on tour with Cirque du Soleil. And we have more moment-spoiling with the Last Man Standing, a poor man’s Second Wind plus shot-dodge has been ruined because Max can get hit while jumping. Shot-dodge was pure Joel Silver, now it’s Michael Bay. MP3 is an over-engineered tactical shooter. I rest my CoD case. And I’ve not even played it yet.

It’s not even fun to play. When Max isn’t pirouetting about he’s fussing over which weapon to pick up, which attachments to use and looking for irrelevant clues. It’s just a series of small, linear moments followed by Max downing a whisky and babbling about how bad everything is – yes, it is, because you’re a completely inefficient bodyguard – By the time I reach a scene where a character he’s supposed to be protecting gets Necklaced I’ve had enough. Call of Duty can pull off torture if it wants, but Max was always about him torturing himself. This game’s tortured me enough.

Sam Houser said this incarnation is “Max as we’ve never seen him before, a few years older, more world-weary and cynical than ever.” Did you even play the original? He’s right about one thing, this is Max as we’ve never seen him; this is Call of Duty, the worst kind of populist trend-following nonsense, a cash-in that sullies Max’s good name.

TheMorty – dual wielding

The way I see it there’s two types of people, those who spend their lives trying to build a future and those who spend their lives trying to rebuild the past. – Max Payne (May Payne 3; 2012)

How better to sum up this review? FBT was desperate for Rockstar to rebuild the past, thinking fondly and nostalgically of re-playing one of the greatest action classics of all time. Whereas I am delighted that the genre-defining franchise has moved forward. Don’t get me wrong, on this I agree with him; The original Max Payne is by far the superior game. It’s impossible to refute and saying anything contrary would be short-sighted and brainless. Max Payne had iconic panache that spawned a whole generation of multimedia and gave foundation for games like Grand Theft Auto and Red Dead Redemption. However, where we disagree fundamentally is on the future of the franchise.

I love that Max has evolved and moved away from that dark, 90’s gangster setting and leaped forward to a modern environment with a fresh storytelling dynamic. It’s the only way to keep one of gaming’s greatest heroes alive in a market flooded with poor, slo-mo knockoffs, like WET, Wanted and Stranglehold – all of which dying a death after an unwillingness to evolve.

It’s clear Rockstar wanted to take the game in a new direction but we should be grateful that it doesn’t leave behind Max’s core values. We still have the Bullet Time system and the film noire, snow-laden flashbacks set in a familiar New Jersey to help fans of the original transition into the modern setting and while he might be weary and tired, Max still has that incredible wit and off-camera, one-liners steeped in Hyperbole – “This town had more smoke and mirrors than a strip-club dressing room”. Sure, the story might not have the same darkness and grit of its predecessors but I’m delighted it doesn’t try to force the square peg of the storyboard narrative into a round hole. Instead it boasts an incredible 3½ hours of cutscenes, which suits the new style and makes the game almost like an interactive action movie. It’s a fresh and wholly different take which might not be for the purists, but makes for a fantastically cinematic gaming experience.

FBT argues this Max is an aged Bruce Willis and sure, he has a very valid point. Particularly around the plot similarity of a slap-headed, alcoholic ex-cop jetting abroad to take down a foreign criminal empire. But so what if Max Payne 3 is the Die Hard 5 of sequels, who cares if the McTiernan and Remedy classics are no more and we’re in a modern world of John Moore adaptations. Nothing will ever take away from the originals, they’re still on the shelf and can be watched or played any time you like, but I’d much rather have this Max than no Max at all and the way Rockstar have re-invented the character is so much more palatable than re-making him – particularly considering so many have tried the latter and failed; see Doom 4, Duke Nukem Forever, Mass Effect Andromeda, Resident Evil 6… all frantic attempts to re-create iconic originals and each spectacularly falling flat on their arse in the process.

Rockstar clearly wanted Max to have his Liam Neeson renaissance. Re-booting him into an unexplored role as opposed to having him age ungracefully like Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford and Clint Eastwood who, rather embarrassingly, look like mid-life crisis divorcee grandads in their futile attempts to reprise roles from their 20s. Roles where some of the romance scenes should be ringing alarm bells at Operation Yewtree HQ. There is definitely a market for those nostalgically seeking that type of hero, one that Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme have cornered with their 10-a-penny, bargain bucket straight to DVD movie releases but that was never the route for Max and Rockstar certainly didn’t want to see him go down that road. Max himself is pretty open about his transformation and alludes to the changes Rockstar have implemented since taking over; “I guess I’d become what they wanted me to be, a killer, some rent-a-clown with a gun who puts holes in other bad guys. Well, that’s what they had paid for, so in the end, that’s what they got”

It’s a difficult torch to carry, but if there’s one company fit for purpose it’s Rockstar. Taking over a successful franchise and making their own mark on it, all while keeping the integrity of the original. For years Rockstar have always been one step ahead. Using filler games such as LA Noire, Red Dead Revolver or The Italian Job as a risk-free way to try something new and get the right feedback before building them into the gameplay of AAA titles. With Max Payne 3 there’s a lot of similarities to the gameplay of GTAV. The cover aspect, the character movement and, of course, Bullet Time were all features tried in Max 3 before taking the plunge in GTA. There’s also a lot of similarities in between the two protagonists as well, gameplay aside, Max and Michael are almost one and the same. Their humour, the focus trait and even their attire are eerily similar. So maybe our remodelled Max deserves a bit of further praise as a trendsetter and perhaps without Max we might not have had such a stellar, near-perfect game in GTAV just over a year later.

Released in a year full of top rated sequels like Halo 4, FarCry 3, Assassins Creed III and Mass Effect 2, it’s very easy to overlook Max as a game of the year contender but I think it’s re-play value will stand the test of time. It has the feel of a classic 3PS action game with enough nods and throwbacks to the originals to really keep the fans content.

Don’t like it, well, to quote the big man himself “you buy yourself a product then you get what you pay for, and these chumps had paid for some angry gringo…”

2012 | Developer Rockstar Studios | Publisher Rockstar Games

genres; shooter, 3rd person, crime

platforms; Win, PS3, X360

Fallout 4 – Pt1

a second wind special review

In this special edition playthrough, FBT relives Fallout 3 *spoilers (FBT hates it)*

I loved Fallout 3. There was nothing like it. Okay, there were loads like it; Stalker, Metro and … others but this was from the makers of Oblivion. It was Oblivion after the bombs dropped. That’s got to be good. And it was. I lived in FO3 for an age, explored every irradiated pixel. The world was horrible but the experience was unforgettable. When FO New Vegas came out I explored the wasteland again, loving being back in the world from a different perspective. Sure, it was a little juvenile, a bit repetitive with huge areas of nothing but a radscorpion for company and its story was daft (Romans? Yeah, they’re a good role model) but it had some really good stuff in it especially with the factions, reputation and robot sex. And then it was five long years in the vault until I could strap on my Pipboy again.

Fallout 4 opening with a pre-war scene was interesting, clearly that was supposed to make me feel emotionally connected to the wasteland later but it hadn’t ever occurred to me during FO3 to picture the world pre-war. I didn’t really care then and I don’t care now cos the game is making me go through annoying mundane tasks to build suspense, as if what’s about to happen will come as a surprise during this perfect suburban domesticity.

Cracking wise with my clearly ill-fated other half, rocking a cradle with my sprog in it, watching TV, all I can think about is the scene in Saints Row 4 where The Boss is trapped in a 50s sitcom and you’re forced to ‘play’ eating breakfast and get the morning paper, itself a parody of games like Heavy Rain. How meta. Eventually I’ve interacted enough and we’re running for the vault. I don’t get much time to look around but I do pause briefly to see the bomb land which is amazing, but I’m quickly hurried inside before I can really take it in. Safely vaulted, getting a real sense of the panic and drama, I’m looking forward to starting a life in a vault. I wonder if this will be the first Fallout game to explore the Commonwealth before it started, adventure in a world where the bombs are still smouldering, but no; we’re tricked into being turned into an ice-vault-icle and the years pass. I helplessly watch as my other half is indeed ill-fated and the kiddiewink snatched. Another unknown period passes and eventually I melt and claw my way outside to catch my first glimpse of the world I’ve seen before.

One of FO3’s greatest moments is when you escape the vault and are awed by the world for the first time. FO4’s attempt at awe is seeing my perfect neighbourhood reduced to ruins. But this isn’t as affecting as Bethesda may have intended; I never made a connection to the neighbourhood, I saw it pass by as I was running for my life so seeing it now has zero impact on me. I’ve seen this before – It’s just another Fallout ruin. I go inside my house and because I assume the game wants me to and stare at the empty cot. Sads. I have no emotional connection to the place or what happened or even the kid, because it all happened too fast. To really have given this impact, the game could have done with a few more hours in the pre-nuclear environment the way you spend time in the Vault in FO3. You think you know the world, then step outside and gasp. It could have worked quite well with the right quests. It’s like FO4 forgot about FO3 and thinks I’ll be shocked by what happened to my home.

A short chat with my still operating Mr Handy then occurs and I uncover something startling; The voice is Jack in Mass Effect! This game had better allow tattoos. I adore Jack; Courtenay Taylor did a stellar job grinding out Jack-the-killing-machine’s dialogue with barely contained rage then slowly softening to reveal a fragile and hurting human underneath but in FO4 my voice stays largely the same; indifferent. I’m playing a mother who just saw her hubby shot, her baby taken and the world destroyed and I’m talking and acting like it’s no biggie. The Handy gives Jack a waypoint to begin the search and so, filled with despair, determined to find my son and planning on playing ME2 next, I head Jack off in the opposite direction.

Before I’ve even met my first bloatfly, I’m already a little worried about where this game will take me. It’s forced onto me a very strong reason to drive forward and I don’t want one, I want to wander and discover. FO3 wasn’t about saving the world it was about taking the first steps towards a better one and until I did it, everyone just got on with life. In NV it was revenge and the key to that is preparation. Alongside it you got embroiled in a larger power-struggle, but one that didn’t need a resolution quick-sharp. In FO4 I am looking for my helpless baby lost somewhere in this nightmare world. How can that not overwhelm every other consideration? Why would I explore, roam, build some granny an armchair when my kid could be on a slab somewhere? It’s impossible to wander the wasteland and care about the main storyline at the same time. This is a Schrodinger’s cat of a main mission; the kid is alive and dead until I action it. So I’ll make a player decision not a character one, and ignore a kidnapped baby. Other open-world games have reconciled a dramatic main plot with freedom in far better ways. Far Cry 3 got the recovery of his friends out of the way quickly and focused on sacrificing your humanity in favour of revenge. Perfect for side-questing. Mass Effect 3 had arguably the biggest story driver of all time – a trifling mission to save the earth and then the galaxy – but it encouraged side-missioning because most if not all your actions added to your readiness; You were side-questing to prepare for the main quest. Another open-worlder that stumbled its main mission was Tomb Raider – why am I looking for Dream Catchers when my friends are being held hostage? In FO4 it’s worse; maternal instinct or material instinct?

Ignoring the baby and taking on what FO4 is, it’s interesting and brave that I’m a vault dweller with no knowledge of the war’s repercussions. I have no training, no survival instinct, no idea what’s out there. I’m a fifties housewife. Amazing. Everything my character sees should cause her to breakdown, every item should be a mystery, every challenge an impossible feat and every creature a lethal encounter – but we just merrily crack on, knowing how to read a Pipboy, pick locks, fire guns. I should have screamed the place down the first time I saw a ghoul. But no, I’ve gone full Rambo in one cut-scene and it’s a huge mistake because playing someone completely unprepared and incapable would have been more realistic, more frightening. Why create a character so woefully unprepared and conflicted, then have them handle everything like they’ve been doing this for years? It would have been compelling to find trainers, get experience, learn, barely survive. But no, we hit the ground running and gunning.

After a few hours of barrelling about lost in the world I so loved in FO3, I stop and look around. It does look amazing. It’s exactly how I remembered the post-apocalyptic world looking. Just how FO3 looked. Just how NV looked, when it wasn’t crashing. Exactly the same. Same landscape. Same items. Same everything… Everything the same… Maybe a little more pixel-sharp, but yeah … there it is then, the wasteland. Eight years I’ve been waiting for this. Just how I left it eight years ago. And within the next few hours, the worst thing that can happen in an open world game happens. I get bored. The problem is I’ve seen it all before. The thrill of discovery, of getting into and out of trouble, of finding deserted houses with skeletal bodies, venturing into buildings, we went through that in FO3; it’s just more of the same and the impact is lost. I’m deathly, depressingly nonplussed in a huge apocalyptic world.

Oh look, a factory. I wonder if it’s a nuka cola factory? Yes, it is. I wonder if it’ll be full of raiders. Yes, it is. Water, bring on the Mirelurks. A bog? I can’t even be bothered with the bloatflies. I’ll go around. It’s the same disarray, the same crap on the floor, the same super mutants. Even the Megaton replacement Diamond City just reminds you of Megaton. Bigger but not better, not different enough to get the wanderer juices flowing. Each Elder Scroll fundamentally changed the environment, the experiences, why did Bethesda keep going back to the irradiated well? Surely there could have been other ways to explore nuclear Armageddon; New Vegas was set in a location spared direct hits so NV explored how humanity would survive in an isolated world, not an obliterated one. FO4 could have gone somewhere else entirely but instead it feels like more of FO3. When you compare it to rival Sandbox games it comes across as lazy; Far Cry distinguished itself by never repeating itself, every Assassin’s Creed is unique while each Mass Effect subtly updated, changed and refreshed without becoming too distant from its predecessor; all the GTA’s stay safely within a city, but with new ways to explore it and Saints Row 4 rebuilt Steelport but gave you new ways to abuse it. In those you know which game you’re looking at; I couldn’t pick a FO4 screenshot out of a FO3 line-up.

The only part of FO4 that’s remotely fascinating is the Glowing Sea, a deadly ground-zero for the bomb we saw at the beginning. It’s a horrible place and ironically, given its deadly nature the only place FO4 comes alive. A sick and blighted place, full of seeping decay and absolute death, The Glowing Sea is thrilling, not just in the experience but because it’s new. Had FO4 been set here entirely, it could have been something incredible. We’re constantly injecting radaway and the like, surely we’ve built up a resistance by now? Come on; in FO3 we purified water, no one’s built on that since? Setting FO4 in the Glowing Sea would have been stunning; it could have played like Bioshock – folks safe but rotting away inside great buildings with their own society and laws, surrounded by a lethal environment that only the brave (i.e Jack) will brave and bring the different houses together to fight some larger force or maybe eradicate radiation so everyone can leave. Having the Lone Hero find a city trapped by air would have set a new bar. Anything but just visit the place before returning to the rinse and repeat of FO3.

Worse, if not unforgivable, there’s so much reskinning and recycling going on I’m surprised CoD’s legal team didn’t sue. Who reskins a game nearly a decade old?! If you played FO3, NV or Skyrim then you’ve played in the world of FO4. This is more than just lazy art design on Bethesda’s part. This is wilfully cheating gamers who plonked down a TON of Nuka caps on a new fallout world and got something built in Skyrim’s Construction Set. In years to come, people will discuss FO3 and 4 interchangeably – that’s not good enough. And it’s not just evident in the art design. We’re still lock-picking the same way (and let’s not forget that was reskinned in Skyrim too); Sure, the locks wouldn’t have changed but the mini-game? Come on. Who in the fallout world is still manufacturing bobbypins?! I’m not talking about realism (I have a mini nuke, that should get a drawer open), just give us something new; anything but this again, I’ve been breaking locks the same way for at least four Bethesda games. Each Mass Effect had a different approach to hacking, why am I still playing Boggle in FO4 too? It’s all the same like a place-holder, a mega DLC.

Some creatures though do move in new and frightening ways – the same creatures but you can’t have everything. Deathclaws leaping over fencing and through buildings is pants-wettingly good/bad as is trying to sneak around them, and the ghouls are faster too. And then there’s the Legendary enemies. Random encounters with extra-tough opponents that weld unique and powerful weapons. They’re actually more of a frustration and a distraction than anything exciting. Sure there’s going to be ornery old coots out there that know how to take a hit, and they’re likely to be carrying good loot but they’re barely even an event moment, just ammo-sucking annoyances mixed in with regular bullet-catchers carrying rarely exciting but always heavy goods. Borderlands often battered the crap out of you then dropped something even bigger and nastier on you, but you knew BL was as trustworthy as it was insane. That creature will drop something sexy. You may spend a hundred mill on a reclone, but goddamn that loot will be worth it. So you suck it up and Jack Burton it; Gimme your best shot, pal. I can take it. In FO4 it’s not worth all the Buffout and ammo and they appear at frustrating times when you’re just trying to get some place.

And at first, it seems the place you want to get is home. Largely an improved version of Skyrim’s Hearthfire extension, you can stake a claim on multiple locations, rebuild and attract settlers. Sounds fantastic, and judging by some of the settlements gamers have created, the possibilities are endless. They’re also mind-numbingly boring. Setting up power actually requires you to do the wiring. Well, I’m kinda searching for my son but yeah okay, lemme just rewire a plug. And when I do get settlers in, do they get involved? Yes, if I force them to but only in support roles while I’m out trying to find more logs for their fricking roof. Had the building work been played through a mini-game where you could properly plan, like a Sim City or the way Black & White allowed you to train a foreman to direct the rest of the followers, it could have been amazing. Set plans in motion then return to see how everyone was doing, how your little fiefdom was coming along. It could encourage you to talk to NCPs, finding scavengers to find materials, track down a builder, a planner to design it, artists to decorate it, build a militia, become raiders and attract criminals or a peaceful settlement for families. It could have been incredible. Go from a ruin to a functioning town, become a force in the wasteland! No. And thanks to a build system that’s more infuriating and confusing than picking something up in Trespasser, just trying to put a rug on the floor becomes rage-inducing; my house looks like an art student’s Cubism project. I have to do this for the entire settlement?! I eventually lost it and walked off never to return. And I have to do this for every place I’ve secured?! I’m a slumlord and I’m okay with that. The Fallout society can rebuild itself for all I care. The tenants constantly ask for things to be built; how did they all survive this long without me?! I just woke up, how come I’m a DIY God as well as a survivalist expert? I just give up and let the settlers live in squalor. Get out of my bed.

We’ll leave FBT to his impression of Reg Prescott. Maybe he’ll cheer up when he discovers the romance sub-plot, so check out pt2 to see if FBT forgets his other-half who died a day ago and finds love in the wasteland. Oh yeah, and finds his kid. Keep forgetting about that.